empty inside

I feel so empty inside right now. I can't eat. If I try, I get sick. I just want to be alone. I feel alone in life right now. I just lost the love of my life. All night I kept hoping he would call. I kept hearing a noise and expected to see him. I never did. That is for the best. I am tired of feeling this way; I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night. I love Rod with all my heart. He is my first love; the first real relationship I had in all honesty. I miss him. I wish things could be different. If he had not lied about work and hadn't gotten fired, I probably would have forgive him. I just feel that he doesn't care enough to try for himself. I am embarrassed. I cannot believe he would hurt me like this. The thing is he can claim to be in pain, but he is at home hanging with his buds, playing video games, I am the one hurting. I don't really want to be with anyone else. I don't want to date; I can accept being alone. I will live in the basement. Maybe one day I can help my parents out. I am just going to try and mend my heart. I want to work out and lose weight. I want to try and go back to school. Then I can throw myself into that. I can try and do right by myself. Maybe I can get a cushy little savings account. Pay off my debts. Maybe even make this dumb car last. I just can't deal with heartache again. I know I will never love anyone again, especially the way I loved Rod. So its pointless to try. He was my soulmate, but he couldn't understand that. He couldn't grow up. So now I have to walk away. I have to heal.

tears

I feel like all I do is cry. I miss Rod so much. He hasn't shown up here or called. I know that is best. It is going to make it easier than looking into his eyes and giving in. It is just so hard. I love him so much. I can't eat, I cry myself to sleep, I am physically sick, and I can't smile. All I do is think about him and my girls. I woke up hoping this was a nightmare. Then I realized it wasn't. I just want the pain to go away. I hate this feeling. Honestly, I will never know how someone who claims to love me so much could do this. How can you keep telling lies? How can you look for another women? How could you want to hurt me so bad? All I did was love this man and he broke my heart. I just don't get it. I would not have ever done this. I did everything I could for him. I tried to make him happy. I am sorry that sometimes I am a bitch or a little insecure. With all of this, how could I not be. I loved him with all I could. I thought he felt the same, but I guess I was wrong. Just someone please take away my pain. Please!

I love with all my heart

I am not the person who loves easily. I am not the person that is good for letting people know how I feel. I am not good at trusting people. I love with all I have when I do love. I would have done anything for Rod. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have his children; I wanted to spend my entire life with him. I dreamed of the day he would ask me to marry him. The day my dad would walk me down the aisle. Our first dance. All I wanted was him to grow up. I wanted him to prove that we could live together and I wouldn't get screwed over. All I asked was for him to pay his bills, save some money, even if just $5 a pay. I just wanted him to put an effort forth at work. If he wanted a new job, then find one and quit. Instead, he lies and embarasses me and my brother. He says he is going to work and doesn't go. How can you do that? I feel like a fool. Then on top of that I find him on dating websites. I find him on craigslist posting personals. He was replying for adds for sex. That hurts! That tears me up inside. What more do I have to do? Why am I not good enough? I am not perfect by far, but I would have done anything for him. I love him with all my heart and soul. And he repays me like this. All I wanted was someone to love me and respect me. All I wanted was to be happy and spend my life with him. I thought he was differet. I really did. Everyone loves him, but he made a fool of me. Apparently, I am not good enough. I dont know. Maybe I am not skinny enough or pretty enough. I dont know what is wrong with me. I feel like God is forever going to punish me. I try and be a good person. For some reason, I dont deserve to be happy. No one can possible know the pain I feel right now. No one can know how much my heart is hurting. The one o is person who is suppose to love me obviously doesn't. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I wish someone would take this pain away from me. I can't believe any of this. I can't believe I hurt so bad. I am physically sick to my stomach. I feel like a part of me has died. I want to die.

Goodbye Joe Pa

Last Sunday, January 22, the world lost an amazing man, a great coach, a legend, Joe Paterno. He died of lung cancer. Its no surprise really. I called it when he was fired. Football was his life. He lived for football, without, well he was lost.

The last few months of the Joe Paterno story were sad. There was a lot of Joe should have done more. That doesn't describe who Joe was. I think he was sorry that he never did more. At the time, he did what he thought was right. That doesn't describe Joe.

Joe Pa was a legend. He won 409 games. He was an amazing coach, a teacher, a father, husband, and grandfather. He changed so many lives. He inspired people. Not only was he their coach, but he taught them about life. How to grow. I read a story about one kid, not an athlete, who was homesick. One day he meant Joe Pa walking. Joe inspired him to stay with school.

During his years he gave so much to so many. He built so much at PSU. He was modest and just a normal man. He lived in a normal house. His number was listed in the phone book. He wasn't anyone special.

Joe lived his life and helped so many. No one will ever touch what he did on the field. Sure his legacy will have this blemish. In the end, Joe is a legend. My children will know the real Joe.

R.I.P Joe Paterno. We love you!

Joe Paterno

So my heart breaks for Joe Paterno. And you can all criticize me for my opinion. And maybe I dont understand because I dont have children. I am by no means a Penn State fan. I do believe that Joe Pa is the greatest coach. And I feel like he kind of got the raw end of the sex scandal deal.

First, I by no means support child abuse. The allegations against Jerry Sandusky are sickening. I do not know how a man can do that. This was a man who was a role model and suppose to make a difference in these young kids lives. Instead he scared them for life. They were probably better off without him and his Second Mile Program. The Children are the victims of this story. I hope Jerry rots in prison for this disgusting act.

Second, I support Joe Paterno. I think that Joe reported what he was told. McQueary came to him; the next day, Joe went to the AD and the vice President. McQueary also went to them. They told McQueary that they reported it. Apparently, they didn't. Do I think that Joe could have done more? Sure.... he could have went to the police. He probably should of. Or he should have had McQueary go. They took away Sandusky's keys and told him to stay away. I think he feels awful. If he could go back 10 years, I think he would do it all differently.

Same with McQueary... we are all so quick to say I would have beat the bastard up. He was 28, well, I am 26. And I can sit here and say I would have beat Sandusky, but in all honesty, I probably would have been to scared, sick, and confused to do anything. I know how I am. I just feel that no one knows a situation until we are faced with it. Every day we all turn blind eyes to things, whether it be a man beating a woman, and elderly person struggling, etc. I had a hard time reporting some things to my social worker with an issue with my "little brother". I am not saying neither Paterno or McQueary is not at fault. They could have done more. Apparently a year and a half prior to all this they told a grand jury this. So some how this all came out then. I think that there is more to it than we know.
I think that some of their parents could have done more. Wrestling coaches saw Sandusky on top of Victim number 1 at least twice. He reported nothing. A Janitor saw Sandusky having sex with a child.... nothing. Teachers saw him touch them, hold their hands. Why were principals letting him take these kids from school without parental permission? There is so many people who could have broke this chain. It includes Paterno and McQueary, but what about the people outside of PSU who turned a blind eye? What was there reasons? Not to win 409 games, not to cover up for PSU. Maybe it was fear, confusion, who knows. Only those people know. More could have been done, but it wasn't. Now we should all just be here to support the victims and put Sandusky away. Instead, a lot of us have forgotten the victims. They are the ones who are important. They are the ones who are suffering for the rest of their lives. We should be all working together to stop sexual abuse on children. Everyonee can learn from this.

Joe Paterno and McQueary told their superiors. They didn't rape those children; they didn't hide that. I think it is unfair that they are being treated like the predators. Sandusky is the predator. Joe Pa is a father, he lives in a house no better than mine. He donated so much time and money to that school. He was so much to so many. I think its a shame that his career ended this way. I think its awful that he is a legend, a gebnius. He puts the word foot in "football" but his career and accomplishments are forever tarnished by all this scandal. He should have done more, but he isn't a monstor. He is still the great Joe Pa that so many of us love. He made a mistake; after all, he is human right?

I hope he doesn't just die now. I hope he does do something maybe with child abuse to occupy his time and make it a little more right. If not I will still love and support Joe. And my heart goes out to all the victims. I am sorry. And I hope you all can heal.

It has been awhile, but I am back

First, off hope everyone had a happy halloween.... I did with these crazy biatches!!!! I love my girls. They are def. the reason I deal with my job and put up with the crap I do. They make it so much fun and why I love it.....

So things have gone well with Rod. We have had our share of ups and downs. Lately things are about growing up. I want to marry him and start a family like we talk, but he is so immature. I threaten leaving but its always the same bull. He is trying this time. We shall she. He makes me happy and I love him with all my heart but there comes a time when you have to grow up. I need to grow up and do whats best for me. I am too old to play games. I want to be stable. So we are trying....

Love

I never knew love till now. I always dreamed of the day I'd find that one person that I would spend the rest of my life with. Never did I imagine actually finding it. When I did the thought scared me. I was terrified and tried running from Rod so many times. I had never been in love. I thought I have so many times, but not until now do I know what love means. Its loving someone unconditionally no matter what. Its missing them when you're apart and cherishing the time together. Its what Rod and I have. No one has ever looked at me the way he has. No one has ever treated me the way he has. It hasn't been an easy 9 months, but it has been well worth it. The other day was kind of our turning point. I knew he loved me; he had never said it. When I left I saw how much he hurt. He was hurting as much as I was hurting. I didn't want to leave but I thought I had to. That night chased my fears away. Because he is right. In 10 years I see him. I want to have his kids and spend the rest of my life with him. No one else. If that means growing up then I am going to. I don't want to lose him. He is my one true love and I won't live without him. So Roderick Thomas Diggs, I love you and only you.