Shanna's World

Goodbye Joe Pa

2012-01-27T19:17:00.001-08:00

Last Sunday, January 22, the world lost an amazing man, a great coach, a legend, Joe Paterno. He died of lung cancer. Its no surprise really. I called it when he was fired. Football was his life. He lived for football, without, well he was lost.

The last few months of the Joe Paterno story were sad. There was a lot of Joe should have done more. That doesn't describe who Joe was. I think he was sorry that he never did more. At the time, he did what he thought was right. That doesn't describe Joe.

Joe Pa was a legend. He won 409 games. He was an amazing coach, a teacher, a father, husband, and grandfather. He changed so many lives. He inspired people. Not only was he their coach, but he taught them about life. How to grow. I read a story about one kid, not an athlete, who was homesick. One day he meant Joe Pa walking. Joe inspired him to stay with school.

During his years he gave so much to so many. He built so much at PSU. He was modest and just a normal man. He lived in a normal house. His number was listed in the phone book. He wasn't anyone special.

Joe lived his life and helped so many. No one will ever touch what he did on the field. Sure his legacy will have this blemish. In the end, Joe is a legend. My children will know the real Joe.

R.I.P Joe Paterno. We love you!

Joe Paterno

2011-11-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

So my heart breaks for Joe Paterno. And you can all criticize me for my opinion. And maybe I dont understand because I dont have children. I am by no means a Penn State fan. I do believe that Joe Pa is the greatest coach. And I feel like he kind of got the raw end of the sex scandal deal.

First, I by no means support child abuse. The allegations against Jerry Sandusky are sickening. I do not know how a man can do that. This was a man who was a role model and suppose to make a difference in these young kids lives. Instead he scared them for life. They were probably better off without him and his Second Mile Program. The Children are the victims of this story. I hope Jerry rots in prison for this disgusting act.

Second, I support Joe Paterno. I think that Joe reported what he was told. McQueary came to him; the next day, Joe went to the AD and the vice President. McQueary also went to them. They told McQueary that they reported it. Apparently, they didn't. Do I think that Joe could have done more? Sure.... he could have went to the police. He probably should of. Or he should have had McQueary go. They took away Sandusky's keys and told him to stay away. I think he feels awful. If he could go back 10 years, I think he would do it all differently.

Same with McQueary... we are all so quick to say I would have beat the bastard up. He was 28, well, I am 26. And I can sit here and say I would have beat Sandusky, but in all honesty, I probably would have been to scared, sick, and confused to do anything. I know how I am. I just feel that no one knows a situation until we are faced with it. Every day we all turn blind eyes to things, whether it be a man beating a woman, and elderly person struggling, etc. I had a hard time reporting some things to my social worker with an issue with my "little brother". I am not saying neither Paterno or McQueary is not at fault. They could have done more. Apparently a year and a half prior to all this they told a grand jury this. So some how this all came out then. I think that there is more to it than we know.
I think that some of their parents could have done more. Wrestling coaches saw Sandusky on top of Victim number 1 at least twice. He reported nothing. A Janitor saw Sandusky having sex with a child.... nothing. Teachers saw him touch them, hold their hands. Why were principals letting him take these kids from school without parental permission? There is so many people who could have broke this chain. It includes Paterno and McQueary, but what about the people outside of PSU who turned a blind eye? What was there reasons? Not to win 409 games, not to cover up for PSU. Maybe it was fear, confusion, who knows. Only those people know. More could have been done, but it wasn't. Now we should all just be here to support the victims and put Sandusky away. Instead, a lot of us have forgotten the victims. They are the ones who are important. They are the ones who are suffering for the rest of their lives. We should be all working together to stop sexual abuse on children. Everyonee can learn from this.

Joe Paterno and McQueary told their superiors. They didn't rape those children; they didn't hide that. I think it is unfair that they are being treated like the predators. Sandusky is the predator. Joe Pa is a father, he lives in a house no better than mine. He donated so much time and money to that school. He was so much to so many. I think its a shame that his career ended this way. I think its awful that he is a legend, a gebnius. He puts the word foot in "football" but his career and accomplishments are forever tarnished by all this scandal. He should have done more, but he isn't a monstor. He is still the great Joe Pa that so many of us love. He made a mistake; after all, he is human right?

I hope he doesn't just die now. I hope he does do something maybe with child abuse to occupy his time and make it a little more right. If not I will still love and support Joe. And my heart goes out to all the victims. I am sorry. And I hope you all can heal.

It has been awhile, but I am back

2011-11-08T18:43:00.000-08:00

First, off hope everyone had a happy halloween.... I did with these crazy biatches!!!! I love my girls. They are def. the reason I deal with my job and put up with the crap I do. They make it so much fun and why I love it.....

So things have gone well with Rod. We have had our share of ups and downs. Lately things are about growing up. I want to marry him and start a family like we talk, but he is so immature. I threaten leaving but its always the same bull. He is trying this time. We shall she. He makes me happy and I love him with all my heart but there comes a time when you have to grow up. I need to grow up and do whats best for me. I am too old to play games. I want to be stable. So we are trying....

Love

2011-01-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

I never knew love till now. I always dreamed of the day I'd find that one person that I would spend the rest of my life with. Never did I imagine actually finding it. When I did the thought scared me. I was terrified and tried running from Rod so many times. I had never been in love. I thought I have so many times, but not until now do I know what love means. Its loving someone unconditionally no matter what. Its missing them when you're apart and cherishing the time together. Its what Rod and I have. No one has ever looked at me the way he has. No one has ever treated me the way he has. It hasn't been an easy 9 months, but it has been well worth it. The other day was kind of our turning point. I knew he loved me; he had never said it. When I left I saw how much he hurt. He was hurting as much as I was hurting. I didn't want to leave but I thought I had to. That night chased my fears away. Because he is right. In 10 years I see him. I want to have his kids and spend the rest of my life with him. No one else. If that means growing up then I am going to. I don't want to lose him. He is my one true love and I won't live without him. So Roderick Thomas Diggs, I love you and only you.

Sometimes I just don't get it

2010-06-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

I waited a year, over a year if you want to get technical, for this amazing guy. When he was getting ready to go home, I got scared. I was afraid of rejection. So I met someone to occupy my mind. I had fallen for this guy. He was amazing. I am not really sure how serious it is. I am too chicken to have that talk, but I assumed it was pretty serious. He was an amazing guy or so I thought. We had a lot in common. I loved the fact that he loved hockey as much as me and knew as much if not more. I loved how much he loved his dog. There was this argument one night that totally changed our relationship. It was what I took as what made the relationship. He lives and hr away from me. He is 23 and I am 24. We started spending 5 or 6 days a week together. There were days I would go up after work and stay. Then we would spend our day off together and I would try and leave bc I didn't want to over stay, but he wanted me there He will go to work and he will ask if I just want to stay there so we can hang out when he is done. I just felt like he always wants to see me and never wants me to go. He treats me like a Princess. He introduced me to numerous friends of his. His friends would sit there and try and get to know me. They asked about my life, job, religion, etc. When I met new people, they already knew about me like he has told them things. I have meant his friends several times. Its always the same. He treated me the same in front of them. He would hold my hand and touch my leg. He cuddles with me and kiss me too. We would take his dog for a walk and he would stop and kiss me and wrap his arm around me. He was so romantic. I loved cuddling with him and he would say sweet things and I felt so safe with him. We will be waching tv and he wants to lay his head on my lap and he wants my head on his shoulders. He was protective of me and even when I did things in the wrong he would sugar coat them to protect me. He noticed the stupid little things I would do that most people probably wouldn't notice. He just seemed amazing.I felt so comfortable with someone that I was able to open up and be myself. I could be goofy and laugh. I could also tell him anything. We just have fun. I know he has his flaws. No one is perfect, but he was making fall for him. We had the most amzing last few days leading up until everything. His friend kept telling me how great he was Tuesday night. And we had a fun romantic day on Tuesday. I felt like he looks at me the way I look at him. He talks about me in the future like going here or what not. And we have been intimate, but it isn't a relationship based soley on that. I met him on a dating site; he since has deleted his profile. I know he is still talking to other girls though. I don't think he is going out with them or hooking up. He still talks to them as if he is single and looking. Two weeks ago, we had a minor argument. When things calmed down I was texting my gf at 2am and he was like talking to your boyfriend? When I said no I will show you he was like we aren't at that level. I don't understand that exactly. He acts like I am his gf but never made it official. Its been drama. So I have to build a wall. When I first decided this that I can't get hurt. I got brave and confessed my feeling towards Andrew. I poured my heart out. I don't know what I expected, but I got my heart crushed. I was told that I am great, but not to wait. I believe he is my soul mate, but we can't be together. So I had to work with Rod.We have gotten past that. We are cool. I just wish he would commit. You can't fear love forever. I have been hurt, too. And I would never hurt anyonr on purpose. He can't even talk to me. I just feel like I am going in circles. I don't even know what to do.

marriage and family

2010-05-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was young, I always wanted this picture perfect dream wedding and a family. I may have told others different, but a lot of that was this tough act I had to play. And I was scared. I always thought as marriage as a forever deal. I see so many people fall apart so I was always hesitant. Then after everything with Richard, I just figured I would never get married. Then I meant the missionaries and became Mormon. All of that changed. The stronger I grew in the church, the more certain I knew what I wanted. I want the family and the dream wedding. For the last year it is all I drean of. I am a failure at dating and relationships. I wonder if I will ever find that person to spend my life with and start a family with. I am 24 years old. Time is running out. That scares me. All I want is a family. I want to have babies and watch them grow. I want to cook for my family and go to their sporting events. I want to come home to someone who loves me every night. I hate dating. It is awful and full of lies and pain. That is what I have experienced in my years of dating both Richard and after Richard. Will I ever find this person? Will I ever get my family? I seriously doubt it. I have been hanging with a guy for about 6 weeks. I have never been in love. I love peple in my life and I loved Jerran. I have never been in love. I am scared of it. I am just sitting here waiting for everything to fall apart with Rod. I am waiting for him to quit talking to me. Or something. Anything. I am just certain its going to go bad. It always does. I am just waiting for my heart to crumble. I don't know if I can take it. I am falling for Rod, but I have told people about him and blogged about him so this must be the end. I probably will never hear from him again. I just hope he finds what he is looking for. He is an amazing person. One day I hope to find someone to spend my life and all eternity with. Until then I a can just keep praying and hoping.

catching up on life

2010-05-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a while since I blogged. You know I just taught a lesson in church last Sunday on journals and here I am not writing in my blog LOL. Well, first I have a new calling in the church. I am no longer Relief Society Secretary. Now I am the Second Counselor in the Young Woman's. It's okay. It is a lot of hard work. I was helping that it would help me learn. Not growing up in the church, there is a lot of teenage, young adult things that I struggle with and just don't know yet. So I am hoping on that. It is still hard though. There are still times in life I just don't feel as if I belong. It is hard to be honest. You are suppose to live in today's society and have such high standards. That is almost impossible. I feel like these people are so perfect and don't struggle like I do. I fight everyday to live a normal life but follow the commandments. It isn't easy by far. On a good note last Tues. I went to transfers to see Elder Evans. I needed a friend with all the struggles and the fact that I messed up big time. So I went to transfers and I got to see him and Elder Erguera. It was great to see both of my best friends. It was what I needed. Plus my soul mate was ther He was going home :) Not that anything will ever happen with Elder Hills. He is a friend, but I don't think he knows I exist romantically. I have lost weight and try to look good but he just didn't notice me. Thats ok. I had been preparing for that. I couldn't take the heartbreak so I didn't concentrate on that so much. Anyway transfers was amazing. It was just like the good ole days. I loved catching up and hanging out. I talked with Elder Evans and he made me feel better. He said I messed up and now I know what I got to do. He told me I am human and we all make mistakes. He is right. He didn't seem to disappointed in me. It made me feel better. I can't wait to see him in 5 weeks when he comes home. He is going to come here and bring his rents to meet us. I can't wait. Elder Erguera is now a father. He is training a new missionary. I am so proud of both of them :) Anyway last time I wrote, Aaron Boggaard had dumped me because I wasn't good enough. I said I was going to take some time and concentrate on myself. I did just that. I have been working out and doing P90X. I have lost 34 lbs so far. Only 42 more to go. I have also been working on my self esteem and confidence. Everything is going well. Personally, I think that I am doing good. Just got to keep the hard work up. Then in terms of my love life it is ok. I took some time off from dating for awhile. About 5 weeks ago, I meant this guy Rod. He is really nice and a lot of fun to hang out with. We have a lot in common and good chemistry. We are technically just friends I guess. I think maybe one day it has the potential to be more. Or at least, I hope. That is how it seems to me. We got in a huge fight 2 weeks ago. His friend tried to hook up with me. And I flipped on him and was psycho. He told me that his friend was just a test. I don't know what that meant. At first, i struggled with the situation, but I am past it. He was very nice to me. I was a fool and did and said a lot of things. Personally, I would have never spoke to me again. He did the opposite. When I was upset and crying and screaming for him to just hit me; he just grabbed me and held me. He told me he would never hit me. Why would he hit me? It made me feel better. That night was crazy and a blur. I said a lot of things like I hate him and he just said I like you. Since then things have been different. Really great. Hopefully it works out. Knowing my luck it probably won't. I will end up getting my heart broken because well I am falling for him. That is how my life rolls.

learning to love myself

2010-03-24T08:28:00.001-07:00

Last week was rough. When Aaron hurt me the way he did, my self esteem took a real hit. I was so hurt by how I was treated. I had a lot of good friends, and I saw how much they loved me even for my imperfections. They made me feel better. My friend Brad told me some things that really made me feel better about myself. He didn't have to say it, but he meant it. Then I think I started to think and look at things differently. I prayed asking for help and asking for confidence. I have been working on it. I am trying to go out in public and be confident make eye contact. And it has worked. I am just trying to love myself. I know I have good qualities and I am a good person. I think to find love you have to love yourself. And my girls also made me feel better bc when I showed them Aaron's pic, we decided he looks like Luigi from Mario Brothers LOL. He is ugly. I was trying to look past that, but he couldn't look past something with me. And Aaron should have been like WOW! I got a real catch here not a douce bag. I am too good for Aaron not the other way around. And Sat. I went to the game and I got my closure. I was looking good and being confident and it made him mad. Most importantly to me, I kept my composure. I was calm and mature. I didn't stare at him and freak out. I had a good time and it made me feel better about myself. Right now I am trying to lose the weight and get back in shape. It is working. I am also trying love myself. Its just something I got to learn to do if I want to find love. And last night I went out with a guy who looks like Colt McCoy. And I was very shy and akward but he wants to do it again. Its funny how Colt is into me but not Luigi. LOL Life is interesting. Now I just got to work out the bugs.

well, if my self esteem didn't suck already, last night sure made it

2010-03-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

I have never had the best self esteem. I always saw something wrong with myself. It sucks! And I have had guys somewhat interested in me. I get cheated on; I get I dont even know what that was with Brad. So I keep telling myself that maybe in May Edward will really come home and he will really see where things go. I keep hoping that it isn't something in my head, but it probably is. Why would he really like me? I wish Jerran and me could make this work, but it never will. I am hopeless! I will admit when I first started dating, I messed up. I messed up with Garin. I messed up dates. I guess I wasn't ready. I needed to find myself. Since then I have grown. I am still frigin crazy, but I have changed. My views have changed too. Bonnie told me last night that its not me I just find crazy people. I wish she was right, but I can't help but not believe that. I felt like even when I was skinny, I wasn't good enough for anyone. And now I am not skinny. There are so many girls out there who are pretty and skinny and blah blah blah. How do I compete with that. The world is superficial. And maybe I am to an extent too, but I look at whats on the inside too. I will be friends with anyone until you give me a reason not to. Some people are just mean. I think I am good person. I volunteer and I work hard. I think I am fun and funny. I love sports and outdoors stuff. I have a good kind heart, but its about fakeness in this world. I met this guy Aaron. It was an accident. I was just bored and being goofy. Trying to pass the time. I am seriously over the hockey player stage. I was just trying to pass time and see if maybe in May my dream would come true. Well, I was doing some innocent stalking for my new obsession. I added this guy Aaron. I didn't plan on talking to him. I didn't have any expectations. Well, he began emailing me, which led to an exchange in numbers. (Mistake #1). We seemed to hit it off. He was a doll baby. Everything was going good. He seemed different. He told me I made him nervous. He was nice to me. He didn't act fake and like a jerk. And trust me I heard rumors about Aaron. He is a love or hate kinda guy. I was quite smitten, I know thats a shock. Deep down I knew we have 3 weeks until he goes back to Canada. I am the queen of trust issues. He is a hockey player. This wouldn't work out. I knew the John and Savannah romance just wouldn't work. Who can fall in love in 3 weeks? Seriously, I just wanted to have some fun. He was nice, harmless. As we talked, I really like who I thought he was. He was like before we meet. I got to tell you something. He was like I have a mustache. My exact words to him were why does matter. I don't care about things like that. As long as you are a good person. He was like well a lot of people hate the mustache. And I am not crazy about it. I liked him for what I thought was under the tough, mach hockey player he pretends to be. And I still believe that its all an act. I think he showed me the real Aaron on those days. I was real. So things were awesome. Well, we me up last night. I spent hours getting ready. I showered, smelled good, fixed my hair and make up. I think I looked cute. I even went to Alita, Lacie, Lynette and Dr. Stout for their imput. They liked it they said. So I text Aaron and ask him to meet me outside. He did. When I get there he was like Why are you nervous? "I don't know." Well, don't be Nervous. "OK" Well, I am sorry but I got bad news. We are getting ready to leave. And at this point my heart sinks. He was like I think we are going home. And I was like ok. He asked if that was ok. And I said its fine, but it was easy to tell that was a lie. And he knew that and he asked is it? And I was like I dont know I mean I guess its fine. Hey was like I will text you later and let you know the plans. He never texted me. 15 hours later I havent heard from him. I knew that when he blew me off. Its just the fact that he made me feel like zero of a person. My self esteem sucks and he made me feel like I am not good enough. Like I am a loser. Sorry I am not skinny or pretty as some of those girls. I was real though. I wasn't into you because you were a Nailers. The mustache didn't do anything for me. I wasn't attracted to you in the OMG your sexy way. I liked you for who you were. You were a sweet guy. I don't know why you had to fake this macho act and hurt my feelings. I didn't deserve that. I can guarantee you that no one will ever treat you like I would have. No one will ever be real with you. Maybe that is what you want. You made it sound different on Monday. Or was Monday the act? I don't know Aaron. I am sorry I am not good enough for you. I hope one day someone will look past my imperfections and see the good in me. Until then I guess I will deal with the heartache involved. I just wish I could not hate myself. Did I do something wrong? I have been the most real as I can be the last year in my dating. Is there somehing wrong with me? Be honest, I just wanna know. Why don't guys like me? I don't wanna be alone forever. I want kids and a family. I hate you for making me hate myself and for making me feel this way. I hate you Aaron! I really do. I hate guys in genereal.

Olympics

2010-03-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

The Olympics are something that come around every 4 years, every 2 if you alternate between the summer and winter. It is 17 days of amazing athletes perfoming what they love against the best in the world. Typically, I love the Olympics. It is fun and entertaining, but this year it was different. I was obsessed still, but the love and the stories that came from these Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia made it so much more memorable. First, lets start with the story that actually happened before the opening ceremonies. Hours away from dreams and happiness, 21 year old Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili died during a practice run. He was taking his run and on a turn crashed and went into a steel pole. He died. This started the games off very badly. Lugers were talking about how fast and dangerous this track was. It was too dangerous for the less expereinced. Even a defending Olympic champion crashed right before Nodar. He was lucky however. Now, a country and a family was left mouring the loss of a son because of too dangerous track. This was not the way to start the Olympics. It is a sad story. It never needed to occur. However, the games went on and it got better. There was Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo, the Chinese couple, who fought through so much during a 19 year career to finally win a gold medal. They found a love story with each other. Then fought hard and gave 2 beautiful performances. It earned them a spot on top of the podium. And you couldn't help but smile and be happy. There were the surprise performance from Caydee Denney and Jeremy Barrett and Amanda Evora and Mark Ladwig for the USA. These young couples didn't medal, but they stole your heart. They skated their best and made their country proud. That is all you can ask for. The future looks bright. Then their was Shaun White winning another gold on the half pipe, which is the coolest sport. Then their was the surprise Silver Medals from Julia Mancusso. And Lindsay Vonn winning her gold and a bronze. Or was it the Hannah Carney gold in the moguls or the Alexandre Bilodeau from Canada winning the first gold for the country on their soil and doing it for his older brother with Cerebral Palsy. Their Bode Miller who bounced back from a terrible Torinio Olympics where he was bashed. Bode skiied his best and won a gold, silver, and a bronze. Their was the goodbye to greats like Chad Hedrick and his medal skates. There was Evan Lysacek beautiful gold medal performance in the men's figure skating. He was the first to win gold since Brian Boitano in 1988. He upset Pleshenko and could have very well started a cold war with Russia. Johnny Weir skated his best and came up short from a medal. There was the amazing ice dancing competion, which we saw Charlie White and Meryl Davis win silver. They were amazing but just not as good as their Canadian friends Tessa Virtue and Scott Moyer. They were darling. We saw Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto finish a fantastic olympic career just falling a little short. Then there was the Nordic Combine that finally the US rocked in. It started with a Johnny Spillane silver. Then a team silver. Then a Bill Demong gold and a Johnny Spillane silver. The USA had never medal and the stories of Todd Lodwick, Bill, and Johnny touched your heart. I became a fan. After 60 years, the Night Train won the first men's gold in the 4 man bobsled. How can we forget Apolo Ohno. He won 3 medals. He became the most decorated winter olympian. This was probably the end for him. JR Celski, the 19 year old who suffered the horrible injury won himself 2 bronze. He is a doll. Then we go to the ladies figure skating program. First, lets start with Joannie Rochette, she was the Candian who lost her mom the Sunday before the competition. Her mom died unexpectedly from a heart attack. The story was so touching. Joannie went on in her mom's memory. She skated her heart out. At the end of the short program, she broke down and cried. She was in 3rd that night. That would be where she finishes. It was the story of a beautiful and strong young woman, who never gave up. She touched the world's heart. Everyone wanted her to win. There was the future of figure skating in Rachel Flatt and Mirai Nagasu. They were young and did fantastic for us, just falling short in the best ever women's field. Then there was the story of the Korean gold medal winner Kim Yu-Na. She was a beautiful younf lady with the world on her shoulders. She was under tremendous pressure but came through and won the gold. She was absolutely beautiful just knocking everyone out of the water. Now, my personal favorite was the hockey. Hockey is my life. It is my true love and my passion. These games made me fall in love more than ever with the sport. There was the fairy tale run of the Slovaks. they upset Russia and Sweden to lose to the Finnish in the bronze medal game. The story was my Team USA. No one believed in them. They were not even favored to win a medal. After watching the first game, my heart new that my original saying of they could medal was true. I just fell in love with this team. They upset Canada in the third game. It was on from their. They destroyed the Fins 6-1. Ryan Miller was marvelous. The young kids had heart. They had Brian Rafalski, Chris Drury, Jamie Langenbrunner to add their vet skills. It was a fairy tale story up to the end. They lost 3-2 in the gold medal game to Canada on a goal from Sidney Crosby. It was hard to handle. They were down 2-0 and came back. Then the Zach Parise goal with 24 seconds to go in the 3rd to tie it sent me through the rough. Even though they lost, I was so proud of them. The whole country was. They fought hard and proved everyone wrong. Like Coach Ron Wilson said they deserved the gold too. They had heart. Like Chris Drury said " we came in with no one knowing our names, but we are leaving with everyone knowing us". THE USA is a hockey powerhouse. They are almost there. I loved that team. It was sad to see them hang their heads and be down. They didn't deserve that. So it was nice to see them smile. It was great seeing Ryan Miller, Jack Johnson, Tim Taylor, and David Backes smile at the closing Ceremonies. It was a game I will never forget. It made hockey back to what it use to be. It was a fantastic hockey tournament. That was the end. It was amazing and an amazing run. There were sad times and happy times. It was one for the memory, one that I will never forget.

Just so we never forget my team USA here is my Roster:

Tim Thomas, 35 (Boston Bruins)
Ryan Miller, 29 (Buffalo Sabres)
Jonathan Quick, 24 (Los Angeles Kings)

Defense

Brian Rafalski, 36 (Detroit Red Wings)
Ryan Suter, 25 (Nashville Predators)
Erik Johnson, 21 (St. Louis Blues)
Brooks Orpik, 29 (Pittsburgh Pittsburgh)
Jack Johnson, 23 (Los Angeles Kings)
Ryan Whitney, 26 (Anaheim Ducks)
Tim Gleason, 27 (Carolina Hurricanes)

Forwards

Zach Parise, 25 (New Jersey Devils)
Chris Drury, 32 (New York Rangers)
Dustin Brown, 25 (Los Angeles Kings)
Jamie Langenbrunner, 34 (New Jersey Devils)
Paul Stastny, 24 (Colorado Avalanche)
David Backes, 25 (St. Louis Blues)
Patrick Kane, 21 (Chicago Blackhawks)
Phil Kessel, 22 (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Ryan Kesler, 25 (Vancouver Canucks)
Bobby Ryan, 22 (Anaheim Ducks)
Joe Pavelski, 25 (San Jose Sharks)
Ryan Malone, 31 (Tampa Bay Lightning)
Ryan Callahan, 24 (New York Rangers)

Don't ever forget!!!!!

I am single Whohoo

2010-02-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

Sat. was pretty much a day from Hell. I did everything possible to tell my heart not to like Craig. Unfortanately, my head heard me say that but not my heart. It still hurt, but I am cool now. Saturday afternoon my friends Lacie and Bonnie confronted Craig for me. He had a perfect story to something that I never even heard.... Clue 1. Then they asked if we were exclusive "I thought we were". Then when we asked if he was cheating "Excuse me" At least have the balls to deny it. It was a mess and I was just a mess. I was fuming and carrying on. Then we broke up with him and he was like WOW. Never once did he call to straighten this out. He was just so suspicious. And I would text him and 20 minutes he answered. If I was fighting with my girlfriend I would answer right back or call. I know he seemed so passive before but I dont even know what to think. After I left Bonnie and Lacie and was on my way to Follansbee he text me this big sob story. I like you a lot. I think your a great person. Do I have friends yes. Not all of them are males. I do stuff like play basketball go out get my hair braided so I run in to females and I am social. I am not cheating on you. I will leave it to your judgement. Lacie told me not to answer till I talked to them so I went to Meg's and hung out. Her kids made me feel better. When I went home I went and talked to Bonnie. She asked if I heard from him and I told her. She asked what I wanted to do. I wanted to believe Craig but I just couldn't. Its all too fishy and I was burnt in the past. I just said I wanted to do the right thing. She said I probably won't know what that was till its to late. We talked awhile. She told me to do what I had to and they would support me. She said I could appologize and tell him I am crazy and I came from a rough past relationship and I have trust issues. I though about it and I did. And 4 hours later. I get an its no biggie with me. That was when I knew it was over. Because I put an effort out. And I left things up to you. You knew my insecurities and my hurt but do nothing about it. So that shows everything is true. I just got my life back after all these years. I am not fucking up again. I am not going down the same road twice. I am going to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me and take advatage of me. People do that because I am the sweet, niave girl who would do anything for anyone. Well, I am not being taken advantage of anymore. I will admit I am not perfect. I am a big screw up. Yeah I wasn't trying to be controling. I have Jerran who I talk to. I have Elder Evans and Erguera and they mean the world to me. So I get you can have girlfriends. I wasn't cheating. At first, I let Jerran pour his heart out to me. And I confessed everything but I told him I couldn't do it once Craig and I back together. I wasn't going to emotionally cheat. Yea I had feelings for Jerran, but I knew Jerran and I can't be together. So I wasn't going to be the person I fear most. And I wasn't. Maybe I was wrong to let Jerran try when I was talking to Craig, but hey obviously I meant nothing to him anyway. Right now, I have no faith in men. I have no desire to date. My trust is broken yet again. Another cheater and another liar. Are there any decent guys out there? Why do people lie and cheat anyway? I guess I will never understand. I could never hurt someone on purpose. I feel guilty for having feelings from the past while with someone. I never would have acted on those feelings. I never even brought them up after that night. I let it be a friendship. I know how it feels. I know how it feels the first time. And I know how it feels now. I am not the best person obviously but I am not a liar. So back to being single. It is less pain. Trusting is so hard to do. I wish someone could just prove me wrong for once. And sorry for cussing I was mad. LOL

cheaters

2010-02-20T06:13:00.002-08:00

So we come back to the cheaters and the liars portion of life. Imagine that! Shanna falls for a douche bag who cheats. Story of my life. I knew something was wrong. Lets just say it was my intuition. I did some Shanna stalking and got proof. It just sucks. I was hoping it was all in my head. I wanted someone, anyone to prove me wrong. I wanted to feel like I could trust, but I learned you can't. I should just wait for the good Mormon boy to sweep me off my feet. Maybe in like 3 months right? I doubt it. Right now I just feel really let down. Why do you say you want something real and you don't play games? In all reality you do. You hurt innocent people who fall for your charm. Maybe they just fall for the whole someone like you thing. Why does everyone take advantage of me? I am just glad I figured it out and did something about it now. Now, I need the courage to ditch him. And imagine as soon as I post a status update on facebook the best friend is there to pick me up. I wish he wasn't so great. Maybe I am just as bad for being a person as Craig bc I am emotionally in love with Jerran. Maybe that is why I deserve this. I just was trying to seperate my feelings. I was just trying to keep the best friend I adore with losing our friendship. I can't help how I felt. It was't like we did anything wrong though. I know Jerran and I can't be so I was trying to move on. Is that wrong? I was honest with Jerran. I can't just cut him out of my life. He is my friend and always will be. I never cheated physically or emotionally. I was just trying to sort my feelings out. Jerran and I can't be a couple. This wasn't me doing anything wrong right? I told the Jerran how I felt; I poured my heart and soul to him when Craig and I became a couple. Jerran let go! He stayed what he always promised to me. That isn't my fault right? Did I deserve this? I don't know anything. I just got to do damage control now. Confess my hickies! I will be ok. I am a weak person, but I think I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I just will probably never trust any guy. Other than Jerran, but trust me he earned that trust. It was a lot of work to break that wall down. Again that isn't even romantically that is in friendship sense. I don't know if I would ever trust him. You live and you learn. Hurt and heartbreak are apart of that. I just wish that people could be honest and upfront. Why do people cheat? If you are un-happy, then break up with me. I never understood. I try and keep my heart at a distance bc I always get hurt. Even though I am trying to be tough and act like this doesn't hurt. It does. I wasn't in love, but at the same time we were together since the end of Dec. It still hurts. You still have feelings for someone no matter how you try not to. I am just use to acting like I don't. Its a form of protection, except I never really get protected. Plus it hurts just the fact that you already don't trust and this lies on top of that. Maybe I am just as much to blame here. I know I have feelings for someone else this whole time, but I know the truth of that relationship. I never would have acted on that. We had put our feeling aside technically so that I could give this a shot. And then he cheats. It just sucks. Can anyone out there just be honest with me? Do I do something wrong? Maybe I just deserve this. I have no clue. Time to move on. Oh and get a little Shanna style revenge ;)

cheaters

2010-02-20T06:13:00.001-08:00

So we come back to the cheaters and the liars portion of life. Imagine that! Shanna falls for a douche bag who cheats. Story of my life. I knew something was wrong. Lets just say it was my intuition. I did some Shanna stalking and got proof. It just sucks. I was hoping it was all in my head. I wanted someone, anyone to prove me wrong. I wanted to feel like I could trust, but I learned you can't. I should just wait for the good Mormon boy to sweep me off my feet. Maybe in like 3 months right? I doubt it. Right now I just feel really let down. Why do you say you want something real and you don't play games? In all reality you do. You hurt innocent people who fall for your charm. Maybe they just fall for the whole someone like you thing. Why does everyone take advantage of me? I am just glad I figured it out and did something about it now. Now, I need the courage to ditch him. And imagine as soon as I post a status update on facebook the best friend is there to pick me up. I wish he wasn't so great. Maybe I am just as bad for being a person as Craig bc I am emotionally in love with Jerran. Maybe that is why I deserve this. I just was trying to seperate my feelings. I was just trying to keep the best friend I adore with losing our friendship. I can't help how I felt. It was't like we did anything wrong though. I know Jerran and I can't be so I was trying to move on. Is that wrong? I was honest with Jerran. I can't just cut him out of my life. He is my friend and always will be. I never cheated physically or emotionally. I was just trying to sort my feelings out. Jerran and I can't be a couple. This wasn't me doing anything wrong right? I told the Jerran how I felt; I poured my heart and soul to him when Craig and I became a couple. Jerran let go! He stayed what he always promised to me. That isn't my fault right? Did I deserve this? I don't know anything. I just got to do damage control now. Confess my hickies! I will be ok. I am a weak person, but I think I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I just will probably never trust any guy. Other than Jerran, but trust me he earned that trust. It was a lot of work to break that wall down. Again that isn't even romantically that is in friendship sense. I don't know if I would ever trust him. I know his love is real. You live and you learn. Hurt and heartbreak are apart of that. Time to move on. Oh and get a little Shanna style revenge ;)

fears

2010-02-02T15:01:00.001-08:00

I am horrible with dating and relationships. I have always pushed people away. Then I fell in love with Jerran. Nothing was un-natural. The thing that came with loving Jerran was knowin that sometimes you have to let go. I tried that, but he couldn't except that an tried to fight for me. Well, on Friday Craig and I became official. So I had to let him go. I told him that I loved him more than anything and I probably never would love anyone as much. I put my heart out there. Jerran was hurt, but he let me go. All he could say is that I want you to be happy. Jerran and I have been working on a friendship. It is hard, but I can't loose him. On Sunday, I needed a friend and he was the first person there for me. I don't ever want to loose that. In the process of letting him go met I was free to see where this goes with Craig. I like Craig. When we kiss my heart stops. He is amazing, but I am scared. So now I am doing the pushing thing. I don't know if I have a legit reason to push or if it is just the craz part coming out. At times I question is it the feelings for Jerran? I know realistically that there can never be a Jerran and I. I adore Craig. I have fn with him. This is the first relationship in years, my first real relationship ever. I am scared to fall in love. I am scared to get hurt. I am scared to be played or anything else. When I get scared, I want to run. I am trying not to but it is so hard. I just don't know what to do. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend.... ease my mind

Happy Birthday Jazz!

2010-01-28T08:02:00.000-08:00

Today is Jazz's Birthday. He would have been 21. It is soo sad. I still can't believe he is gone. My heart still breaks. I seen his girlfriend hurting so much, his family, his friends. Nee Nee once said if I was at that party he wouldn't have died. That broke my heart. There are no guarantees in life. A stupid senseless act of violence took an amazing person from this Earth. All we can do is love him and cherish his memory. He is with God now. Jazz would be so proud of his Huskies for their heart and courage. He would be so proud of Nee Nee and his families. He would be proud of all his friends. They have all been so strong while hurting so bad. All we can do is celebrate his life today. He will be with everyone in spirit. Enjoy the day with him. He is with us in heart. He changed my life. I have really lived by the motto live 365. I have changed directions and been happy. I try to just live. I can't regret things or hold back. you never know when it will end. Who woulda thought Jasper howard would have died? Not me! We love you Jazz. You were an amazing person. You may be gone, but you are def. not forgotten. That baby girl has so many to love her. I know that she will know you. R.I.P. #6 Jasper Jazz Howard. We love you. You are truely UConn's Angel. One day we will all be reunited.

dating and love

2010-01-28T07:47:00.000-08:00

Dating is so complicated. I am dating this guy Craig who I like. He is cute and a lot of fun. He is really nice and smart. When we would kiss my heart like stops beating. He is amazing. Then Jerran came back into the picture. He came back full forced. He told me that he loves me. That for the past 6 months he compares me to every girl but none of them can compare to me. That is great, but it plays with my head. I love him, but I know that it won't work with us. Jerran runs away all the time. I am sick of it. The thing is I let him sweet talk me and then it makes me think. Maybe I ain't that into Craig. That is a lie. All of this is going to cost me Craig. I just know it. I wish there was a way to seperate the two. Jerran and I could just be such good friends. It is just easier said than done. I don't know what I am doing here.

the top 10 moments in the Big East season

2010-01-14T23:48:00.000-08:00

I gotta love my Huskies. And #1 and #3 were days and things I will never ever forget.

Top 10 moments of the Big East season
January, 13, 2010
Jan 13
1:45
PM ET
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By Brian Bennett
There were wins and losses, big games and duds. But when the statistics and records become foggy in our brains, we'll still remember some of the indelible moments from the 2009 Big East season. Here are my top 10 moments:

[+] Enlarge AP Photo/Michael ConroyConnecticut's emotional win over Notre Dame will be remembered for a long time.
1. UConn celebrating in South Bend: The top story in the Big East this year, at least in my eyes, was how Connecticut dealt with the tragedy of losing teammate Jasper Howard in the middle of the season. And so it was heartwarming to see the Huskies -- after working so hard to honor Howard's legacy but coming up just short in three straight games -- finally break through and win in overtime at Notre Dame, of all places. Randy Edsall's goosebump-inducing postgame interview, in which he dedicated the win to Howard's family, will be remembered for a long time.

2. The Cincinnati comeback at Pitt: In two years of doing this blog, I haven't seen a wilder game than Cincinnati's 45-44 win over Pitt in the season finale after the Bearcats were down 31-10. I made my way down to the field for the last couple of minutes and just happened to be standing in the corner of the end zone where Tony Pike's beautifully-thrown pass landed in the outstretched hands of Armon Binns for the game-winning touchdown. That play, and the looks on the faces of players from both sides, was something to behold up close.

3. West Virginia welcomes UConn: West Virginia fans showed solidarity with Connecticut when the Huskies traveled to Morgantown the week after Howard was killed. Signs of support, a moment of silence and Bill Stewart hugging Edsall were just some of the ways the Mountaineers displayed their empathy in a classy, heartfelt way.

4. Greg Paulus playing quarterback: This was one of the biggest -- and strangest -- stories of the offseason, as Paulus came back to the sport after four years of playing point guard for the Duke basketball team. Doug Marrone gambled by making Paulus his starter right away. Paulus had his ups and downs -- he completed 67.7 percent of his passes, but also threw 14 interceptions -- but it was a fascinating experiment to watch.

5. Tim Brown streaking to victory: In yet another moment involving UConn, it looked like the Huskies had beaten Rutgers after they scored with 38 seconds left to take the lead. But on the very next play from scrimmage, Tom Savage hit Brown over the middle, and the senior receiver darted 81 yards untouched to the end zone for the victory.

6. Dion Lewis bouncing off tackles: The Pitt true freshman had an unbelievable year, rushing for 1,799 yards and 17 touchdowns. What I'll remember is not one specific play, but just the way Lewis always seemed to emerge from a crowd, running through stunned defenders, as he kept slipping away for more yardage.

7. B.J. Daniels' homecoming: While it may have lost some luster later in the season, South Florida's upset at Florida State was pretty special at the time. And the fact that freshman quarterback Daniels led the way in his hometown of Tallahassee while making his first start in place of the injured Matt Grothe made it a storybook tale.

8. The Brian Kelly drama: Cincinnati's perfect 12-0 finish was nearly overshadowed by the rumors of its three-time Big East coach of the year leaving for Notre Dame. And when Kelly finally confirmed he was going to South Bend at the postseason banquet, many players angrily stormed out of the room. Then they had to play in the Allstate Sugar Bowl without their coach. While maybe it shouldn't be the most memorable thing about the Bearcats' season, it's near the top of the list, for sure.

9. Pitt drives into a Meineke: Pittsburgh could have folded up shop after losing its last two regular-season games in the final minute. But the Panthers showed a lot of resilience in the Meineke Car Care Bowl by marching on an epic 17-play, 8:47 scoring drive to beat North Carolina.

10. Devine on the run: When I think of West Virginia's season, I'll always picture Noel Devine dashing to daylight. It's not just the fuzzy lens of nostalgia. Devine had seven runs of at least 56 yards this season, including an 88-yarder against Pitt, a 77-yarder versus Colorado and a 70-yard sprint in the Gator Bowl. Will he keep running to the NFL or come back to create more memories in the Big East?

Those are my top 10 moments from 2009. What are some of your favorites that I didn't include?

relationships

2010-01-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

I am pretty much so use to being hurt and let down in relationships so I got in a habit of avoiding allowing myself to get hurt. I would push people away from me unless I knew they were bad news. It was easier for me to be a goof and push the world away. I did with Garin. I did with Adam; I was not ready to date then. Maybe you can say I did that with Jerran. I don't know. I know that I love Jerran. In a way he will always mean something to me I think. He was the first person that I probably ever loved. Sometimes life works and you have to let go. He is my friend. And I hope we always remain friends. There is a lot on that subject. I really got scared and tried to scare him off. I think I did. I know I did. As our relationship was complicated enough, I sincerely believed it was more than it was. I guess I thought he was my boyfriend. I was really hurt when I learned things. When I learned that Jerran hooks up. I guess we weren't official so I can't be mad. I allowed that to cause distance. Basically I just realized I couldn't take losing him like I did my best friend Jon. So I had to let go. It was hard; I remember when I first met Craig I thought about Jerran constantly. I was liking Craig, but I was so use to being let down. So I didn't have much faith. Then New Year's the day I am suppose to go with Craig I get a text at midnight saying Happy New Year and I love you. It broke my heart. It gave me guilty thoughts. Then Jerran talks to me during the game. I was back in the palm of his hands. I thought for sure what am I suppose to do. Then I went out with Craig and had an amazing time. That was when I knew that I had to let him go. Because I can't spend forever waiting on Jerran. I cannot take losing him because he has been apart of my life the last year. I cannot put my life on hold for someone who isn't waiting for me. So I kept talking to Craig and we went out again. I was quite smitten by this point. Had Jerran made the effort then I probably would have been dumb and pushed craig away for him. After 3 weeks and 3 dates, I really like Craig. I don't want to try and make things work with Jerran. I wanted a fairy tale relationship for so long. I never got it. I would allow myself to make these guys into what I wanted in my head or I don't know. I did everything so wrong, just because I could. In all honesty, I was so scared of falling in love and getting my heart broken. I was scared to trust someone and be lied to, cheated om, hurt physically and emotionally. I still am. I am scared to death right now. I really like Craig. I want to push him away, but I just can't find it in me. I don't want to admit how much I like him. I feel happy with him. He makes me feel safe. I was never the kissy, cuddly type per say. When I am with Craig, I love being in his arms. I don't want to be anywhere else. I am taking this slow. I am not trying to get in over my head just to have it come crashing down. I made a promise to myself when Jazz died. I wasn't going to live from the backseat and watch everything pass me by. I was going to quit fearing life and just live. I didn't want to die tomorrow and think of what I missed. So yeah I am scared, but I am going to go for it. I would love for it to go somewhere. If not then I will be sad and hurt, but its not the end of the world. No realationship will be that fairy tale. Sometimes you got to leave the past in the past. Sometimes you have to let go of what you want the most. I am leaving the hurt I been through behind. I am letting go of Jerran in the romantic sense. I am going to go with the flow. We will see where life takes me. God has a plan. Maybe his plan was this all along. Maybe his plan for me will be totally not anything of the sort. I am going to have faith in him.

2009 is gone, 2010 is here

2010-01-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

Wow! It is hard to believe that 2009 is over already. It was quite of year. I did a lot of growing and had a lot of ups and downs. First, it started off with the continueing downward spiral I was in. There was the drinking and constant partying. There was the its okay to get mad and drink and drive. Luckily you passed out before you drove. I had really hit rock bottom. I had wanted to date the wrong guys and pushed the good ones away. Of course some of those were based on lies. Then the one brought me the best thing in the world My Jer Bear (Jerran). Then that was an up and down relationship. First there was the hey you got a gf but I like you I would allow you to cheat with me because we got feelings for one another. Then there was the I'll send you a picture for a picture. I can't believe I was that person for a split second. Then there was the wow this is getting out of hand, we both need to back off. So then somewhere during all thisd downward spiral of a life, I met Elder Evans and Elder Erguera. They became two of my best friends. I love them because they saved my life in every sense. They brought me happiness and self worth. They just changed me. They helped me rebuild relationships in my life, brought me closer to God, they helped bring me new relationships. Most of all they brought me their life long friendships. I quit drinking and partying. I went to church, study scriptures, obey the commandments I was doing good. Then they both left me because they had to. they keep in touch and remain great friends. It was hard at first. I often struggled when I faced difficult times. I always had them with me deep down though. The things they taught me were enough to get me threw even the hardest days. Just because they weren't hear in person they are always with me. Plus they write me. I had the back injury which had me depressed. My step dad had a heart attack, there was the movin to Arizona thing lingering, just everything. This year also tested me and changed me when Jasper Howard dieed. As everyone knows, that death rattled me. It really impacted my life in every way possible. I was left shaken to the core. I was questioning everything from my faith to why. I spent weeks just devestated. It didn't make sense. In time my pain healed. I reached out to a hurt Kashif Moore and we kind of helped each other. Instead of looking at Jazz's death negatively, I learned from it. I learned that life is precious. Often we take it for granted, myself included. Not anymore though. I am living my life to the fullest I can. I am trying to better myself everyday and get closer to Heavenly Father. Jazz was amazing. I admire him for who he was. He showed me to let everyone you love know that. He inspired me to quit hiding from my fears and move forward. You gotta face your fears head on. I was inspired to get over my shyness as much as I can. I am doing things on my own, just enjoying life. I am giving back to the community. It feels good too. That month or so just really changed me for the best. Then we lost our own Chris Henry. That was tough to take. Then there was falling in love with Jerran. I do love him. I have never felt that way before, but I also be realistic. As much as I love Jerran we will only ever be friends. I don't want to lose him. So I had to let him go and move on. He will always be in my heart and a great friend. After I let Jerran go I decided to give dating a second chance. I was talking to a nice guy. That is how 2009 ends. LOL I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. I am sure it will have its up and downs. Hopefully more ups than downs. So far its been pretty good. They guy I met is really nice. We went out a few times. I like him a lot. I am trying not to get my hopes up on him though. I opened up and let him in, but I am trying not to get hurt. So we will see where it goes. I have also made some mistakes. One is a little more serious and I need to talk to Bishop about. So I will never be perfect or have the perfect year. I am just going to try and make it as good as I can. LIVE 365

Chris Henry dies

2009-12-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

So Chris Henry, former WVU WR, died at 6:36 AM today. That is so sad. I loved Chris when he was here. I loved him and Pac Man. I always wanted Chris to get his act together. I always hoped the NFL would help him. It just seemed like it never was going to happen. I gave up a long time ago on Pac Man, but I held out hope for Chris. I remember earlier this year telling mom that maybe just maybe he has grown up. Maybe he finally got his act together. It really seemed as if he did. He was having an awesome year and then got hurt. It will be weird without him. Chris was trying to make the best out of his second chance. He was trying. He turned his life around. I am proud of him for that. That was all I wanted. It is such a shame that he was taken from us. We love you Slim. Once a Mountaineer, always a Mountaineer. We love you and all that you did for us. I know you are with God now. You made mistakes; we all have. I know you were sorry and you changed just like I have. This is just so sad. It is so hard to believe. Chris was no saint. He was no Jasper Howard. He was Chris. He was a Mountaineer, a father, son, friend. He was a human being. I believe he was a good guy. Sometiems we just go down the wrong roads. We make bad choices. It doesn't mean we are bad people. I love you Slim. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight kid!

Chris Henry

2009-12-16T22:29:00.001-08:00

I just found out that Chris Henry, former Mountaineers WR was seriously injured in an accident where he was thrown from the back of a truck. He is on life support and fighting for his life. Chris has made some bad choices in life, but haven't we all. He has been trying to do what's right and get his life back under contol. I know that I have made so many mistakes in my time. I wish that I haven't done them. It kills me inside, but it made me who I am today. I am striving to be a better person as was he. I drank and drove. I was so wasted the last night I drank and tried to drive home. Luckily, I passed out in my drivers seat. Plus I have done way worsre. I know that we all make mistakes. And we all deserve that second chance in life. Chris deserves the same. He was trying, he really was. I just hope he recovers. Your in my prays Chris Henry. I hope you pull through.

Bengals’ Henry badly injured in domestic dispute
By MIKE CRANSTON, AP Sports Writer 1 hour, 22 minutes ago
CHARLOTTE, North Carolina (AP)—Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry is “battling for his life” after falling out of the back of a pickup during what police described as a domestic dispute with his fiancee on Wednesday.
Henry was found in the road in south Charlotte “apparently suffering life-threatening injuries,” according to Charlotte-Mecklenburg police. Police spokesman Robert Fey said officers were stationed near the 26-year-old Henry’s hospital room. He had no information on Henry’s condition, but said he was alive.
“We ask everyone to pray for Chris,” agent Andy Simms of PlayersRep Sports said in a statement. “We also ask that you respect the privacy of Chris’ family. Chris is indeed battling for his life tonight, and our thoughts and prayers (are) with him during this extremely difficult time.”
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Police said a dispute began at a home just before noon and Henry jumped into the bed of the pickup truck as his fiancee—whom they did not identify by name — was driving away from the residence.
“The domestic situation continued between the operator and Mr. Henry,” the police said in a statement. “At some point while she was driving, Mr. Henry came out of the back of the vehicle.”
Henry was found on a residential street about half a mile (800 meters) from the home when police were called to the scene. Fey wouldn’t identify the woman and said no charges would be filed Wednesday.
Henry is engaged to Loleini Tonga, and the couple has been raising three children.
Henry was away from the team after breaking his left forearm during a win over Baltimore on Nov. 8. He had surgery and was placed on season-ending injured reserve following the game. Charlotte is home to his fiancee’s parents.
Team spokesman Jack Brennan said he had little information other than Henry was badly hurt.
“We are aware he was in an accident and that his injuries are very serious,” Brennan said. “We are staying in touch with the situation and are ready to offer whatever assistance we can.”
Henry is in the final year of his contract with the Bengals, who let him go after his fifth arrest following the 2007 season. Owner Mike Brown(notes) then brought him back a few months later, signing him to a two-year deal. Henry had stayed out of trouble with the police since his return.
In an interview with The Cincinnati Enquirer in October, Henry credited his fiancee for helping him straighten out his life, saying, “She’s been a big help. She’s been right here with me and going through things and helping out on my side. We have the kids, and she has my back with everything I’ve needed.”
From the start, his career has been sidetracked by off-the-field problems.
Henry repeatedly got in trouble at West Virginia, where former Mountaineers coach Rich Rodriguez told him that he was an embarrassment to himself and the program.
Most teams to shied away from Henry in the 2005 draft. Cincinnati was the only one that brought him in for a visit, and warned him that he had to stay out of trouble if he was going to make it in the NFL. Then, the Bengals drafted him in the third round.
His ability to run past defenders made him an integral part of the Bengals’ run to the playoffs in 2005. He caught Carson Palmer’s(notes) only pass in a playoff loss to Pittsburgh.
His rookie season also marked the beginning of his problems in the NFL. He was arrested for marijuana possession in December 2005, and again on a weapons charge a month later in Florida. He was arrested four times in all, drawing repeated suspensions—two games in 2006, the first half of the 2007 season— for violating the league’s conduct policy.
Before the start of the season, he got a tattoo that said “Blessed” below his left ear, a reminder of how many chances he’s had.
“I don’t live the way I did in the past,” Henry said, in an interview with The Associated Press during training camp. “I kind of plan my days out and take it one day at a time and stay away from the wrong people. I’m not partying anymore. I’m just focused on football right now and my family. I don’t associate with the same people. I’ve completely changed everything.”
AP Sports Writer Joe Kay and Associated Press Writer Dan Sewell in Cincinnati contributed to this report

betrayl.... Screw you Brian Kelly

2009-12-10T22:45:00.001-08:00

Last night ESPN was trying to report Edsall was going to go to ND. MY heart sunk. There was no way he would do that to those Huskies. Not right now. THey had all been through so much, Those boys need him. At that moment, I wanted Kelly to go. Tonight when I saw it, I wasn't the least bit surprised. When I saw what he did to thsoe poor beBearcats, my heart broke. It took you back to the betrayl of good old Rich Rod 2 years ago. When a coach abandons his team before the bowl, it hurts. Our players were crushed. From what I gather, a lot of Bearcats are crushed and hurt. This was a tale of lies and money. I get the deciosion to go, but to abandon the boys. o lie to those boys. They are suppose to be your family. Are Bill Stewart, Randy Edsall, Urban Meyer, Greg Schiano, etc the only .. men left out there. How many jobs has Schiano turned awat,y. Excuse me wasn't he wanted at Michigan long before Rich Rod. Levitt and Schiano turn every job down. The Big East is about family. We respect and love each other. We get no respect so we band together as a family. When we lost Rich the conference had our back and held our hands. Every year we got each other's backs in outta conference play and bowls. This year we stood there for our UCONN brothers as we lost Jasper Jazz Howard. We cried with them, we supported them, we comforted them. The Mountainers and Huskies bonded like no other. Now we have to stand here with our Bearcats and back them. This was the chance for the onference to shine this bowl season. Respect is on the horizion and I believe we can sweep the bowls. This was the win/ Florida is the team America loves. They are the team that shines. The best in the country a lot of times the last few years. If Cincy wins, they win so much respect. Hopefully Kelly doesn't screw that. Bearcats we are hear. Us Mountaineers feel your pain. We were down this road 2 years ago. We got your back. Just hold your heads high boys. We are a family and we will stick together. Kelly called the plays, you got the talent. SO go out there and kick some Gator tail. Win or lose we are your family and we will love you. Let's all represent the BE. As for you Kelly, I wish you all the luck that Rich Rod has. I hope they fire you soon in SOuth Bend, You betrayed those kids, a conference. Trust me jno conference wwill ever be as loyal. No conference will ever support you like we did. No conference is a family like us. So back your bas and don't let the door hit you on the way out. We will be laughing in a few years at your failure while we are thiving. LETS GO BEARCATS!!! Lets GO HUSKIES!!!! LETS GO BULLS!!!! LETS GO KNIGHTS!!!! LETS GO panthers- score a point this yr quit being are let down haha... LETS GO MOUNTAINEERS!!!! LETS GO BIG EAST!!! WE ARE ONE... WE ARE THE BEST> LETS SHOCK THE COUNTRY

for the first time

2009-12-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long time a lot of things make sense to me. I am scared of falling in love and being hurt. For months and years, I have ran from anything. I have pushed anyone away. I am so afraid; I was so beaten down inside. I went out with Timmy two times. He referenced me to an abused poodle. He was like he ruined you girl. Maybe that was true. After never having anyone express interest in you and the firat boyfriend you go hits you degrades you daily, you believe it. I was constantly told I was dumb, ugly, fat, etc. I was always told that I could do no better. I would always be alone. Then the hitting didn't always happen. I lied about it so much that I believed the lies. I believe I fell and hit my eye on the porch or a dog jumped up and hit me with a cage in the vhin. Most of all the lies and cheating really hurt me. I don't hate him. I forgave him. Because more than anyone I know people make mistakes; I know people can change. I would never go back, but I wish he would get his life under control. You still care for people even after all the pain they cause. Anyway I believed I was worthless. I think a lot of the approach we take in life is self confidence. Guys can see your insecurities. Jasper's death put life in prespective. Now, I can see how immature I act. I've done nothing but ruin all my chance at true love until now. I am scared and I try and run. He won't let of me. Most importantly he sees something in me. He has built me back up inside.He makes me feel special. He makes me feel good. When he first told me he loved me, I backed away. I was scared. How could I love this guy, but I do. Jerran sees the best in me. Elder Evans and Elder Erguera saved my life. Jerran has given me so much. I couldn't have asked for anything more. As scared as I am, I don't want to run. I need to embrace this. I've always said Jerran is my Jacob. He will never be my Edward. He will always be my Jacob Black. I know Bella and Jacob don't end up together, but they both end up happy. I hope Jerran will always be my best friend. Who knows maybe this book will end different. Jerran was always there when my world seemed empty. I love him. I am not saying we date, I am not saying we will marry, or anything. I just know that I will always love him. If it is ever not complicated, I will fight for it. If we date other people, I will embrace that and let my heart love. I just hope he keeps his promise and always will my Jacob. Jerran if you ever read this, I am sincere when I say that I love you. I know you can't beleive it, but you gave me so much. You make me feel beautiful. Not just on the outside. Your my best friend.... one of them. I can't predict the future. I cannot say we will always be together, but I know you will always be my Jer Bear. No matter what please trust me, you are special and I am not leaving you. We may never have the romance that we want, but we will always be friends. I will always love you.

I am scared of loving him

2009-12-07T00:51:00.000-08:00

For the last few years, I have been scared of getting hurt. I have always pushed any decent guy away. Not that I have had a lot of good guys to choose from. LOL For the last year, I have the one friend who always stuck by me. We became close. It was all based on the one lie that could cause everything to crash. Luckily Larry Ford has no clue who I am. Jerran was never supposed to talk to me. We were never supposed to become friends. Then we did. He had a girlfriend and I was just happy having that boy, my Jacob, that I could joke with no strings attached. He was just my friend. The person that made me smile. Then during my out of control partying months, I took that to a different level. I got way out of control. I loved Jerran as a friend. I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Let alone did I want to ruin his relationship, be the other girl, or any of that. I was just a mess and I wasn't thinking. Luckily he was thinking clearer than me. So he distanced himself for a time. During that time, I became Mormon and got in control of my life. About 2 months later, Jerran was back like before. Not the two or three second how are you every once in awhile. He apologized for leaving me; he told me he missed me. So we grew close again. He told me that he considered me one of his best friends. He was easy to talk to. There was still that akward chemistry. It couldn't be more than that. He had the girlfriend. I didn't trust myself with him. When I went to the beach, I couldn't risk what I worked for to throw it away. I wasn't sure of Jerran either. That is so sad to say. So I was a b*tch I was like this isn't real. We are not real it is a fantasy. We can be friends and that is it. We will never be anything. I don't want that. I said some other real hurtful things. Then I got mad because I knew he was a player just like Larry. A few days passed and then he texted me. Instead of me apologizing for being ignorant he apologized to me. He wanted to just be friends. I blew him off again because I was scared. I had feelings for him. What if I let it get out of control? He said I wouldn’t have let it. I didn’t believe him. So time goes on. We text and talk on the phone and on facebook. Our friendship just kept growing. He was amazing. He would say sweet things and I knew he liked me a lot. We just both had to deal with everything as it was. One day his statuses were getting confusing. Then he broke up with her. I never mentioned it. Nothing ever changed. Then one night we were chatting and flirting. I think he was drunk. He was like I love you. I forget the exact words but he added something crazy like he was afraid to mean it. LOL SO I just took it as whatever. I let it slide but it was in the back of my mind. How could we love each other? It didn’t seem possible. About a week later, I decided to just tell him. If he got creeped out I would do the Jerran thing…. Add the as a friend. I said I “love you”. I got an “I knew you did. I love you too”. That night we had a sweet talk. Maybe one day we could be together. Time went on. It wasn’t like we said I love you every day or night. We didn’t even talk every day. I did love him. Our relationship kept growing through October. In Nov. it was still the same except it was like he was afraid too. He would tell me he missed me. He was scared of his feelings. On Thanksgiving I got this text at my Uncle’s. I opened the phone thinking it was Alita and it was Jerran. All it reads was I love you babe. I was so happy. We talked; I embarrassed him because think he is great. That night my facebook status was like And yeah I love him. He was picking on me saying it was Tim Tebow or Edward. I was like you pay that much attention. We had this incredible talk. It was so different. He said we could make it work. It would be hard, but we could do it. Then Friday I get these texts at the backyard brawl. It was all football related. Then there is the infamous “I love you by the way”. Amazing! That weekend brought us so close. I was so sure about how I felt. We were basically together. I am terrified of this. I have never felt this way. Never! I have this most incredible feeling. I can’t describe it. No one has ever been the person who makes me weak in the knees. I have been in lust and obsessive stalker mode. And I loved Richard, but I wasn’t in love. It is hard to love someone under those circumstances. I have never been in love. Jerran puts this smile on my face. He completes me. We can talk and goof off. We can be serious. We can just sit and BS about sports or the same dumb TV shows we watch…. Tough Love. He is amazing. He is so sweet, caring, funny, charming. He is confident to an extent, but he is insecure about a lot. There is just this humility to him. He respects me and makes me feel beautiful. I feel like a princess. He acts like I am something special; as if I am some big deal. No one has ever treated me that way. He has never once degraded me. Instead if I put myself down he is totally like there with no you’re not. He works hard and has goals; He knows what he wants to do and has priorites. Maybe he isn’t the smartest, but he is working hard and trying to get through school. He isn’t dumb by far. He loves his family and friends. He is one of my best friends. Jerran opens up to me. He tells me his feelings. With us, there doesn’t have to be a power status. Jerran can see his flaws and tries to fix them. He isn’t perfect, but neither is I. We are human and make mistakes. Jerran is amazing. Forget the soul mate stuff! He is just Jerran. I can be myself with him. It isn’t about looks or money or any of that superficial stuff. I can be crazy Twilight girl or I am going to have 7 husbands. I can be the girl who is scared. He said he loves me for my personality that he can’t get away from that. He wouldn’t even let me write his paper because he cares too much about me. I know he is wonderful. I know this is all so weird. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I didn’t feel this way. This scares me. I want to run away because that is what he does. He gets scared and backs off. Then I am just terrified even more then. I want to be able to give Jerran all of my heart. If I do that I am vulnerable. He can destroy that. I want to trust him, but when your trust was always broken, it is hard. That relationship damaged me so bad. Does that ever go away? Can I ever trust again? Will I ever stop running? I tried pushing Jerran away; what if it is working? We both just need to quit being afraid. It is just so hard. It is worth it right? You never know if you run away. I don’t want to regret running. I want to let go. I want to stay right here and give this a shot. If he is playing me or lying to me, so be it. I am ready to take that chance. He is worth it. I just hope he quits running. I get the situation is weird and scary, but I don’t want to hurt him. I am head over heels in love with him. I really love him. I don’t want to be without him. He knows what I feel and everyone else does. I am totally falling. Please don’t run any more. Jerran you are all I want.

so much to be thankful for

2009-12-06T23:06:00.000-08:00

With the holidays here and passing, I have realized how completely lucky I am. I have almost everything a girl could want. I am so thankful for my life and everything in it. I am blessed with a loving forgiving family. I have screwed up a lot of things in my life. It may have been easy to hate me, but they forgave me. I have amazing friends. Friends that were here during the darkest days. I had friends that gave me strength when the world came tumbling down. I love my friends. I have amazing animals. I am just so thankful for all the materialistic things that I have. Most importantly I am thankful for faith. Without my faith in my savior Jesus Christ and our heavenly father, I don't know where my life would be. Even during the darkest days, he came through. He healed my heart and forgave me. Life isn't always easy. We face trials, but it is all something that we were put here to experience. I can't answer why, but I know that I trust him. I trust that everything will be ok. I am so thankful for the missionaries, especially Elder Evans and Elder Erguera. They be-friended me. They stuck by me and believed in me. Without them, I don't know where I would be. The saved my life. And I am forever grateful for that. I am thankful for every breathe I take. I am thankful for all my experiences, even the bad ones. I am glad that I get to grow and experience every day. Life is precious. I will never take that for granted. I am going to make the most out of everything. I am glad that I can give back and help others. It makes you feel like the bigger person. It makes you happy. So be thankful for what you have in your life. Sometimes it may not seem like much; sometimes it seems like nothing at all. The truth is you have a lot more than some. And at least you are still breathing and living.

UC6NN's Angel

2009-12-01T19:49:00.001-08:00

UConn junior linebacker Kijuan Dabney read the following poem as the funeral of his teammate Jasper Howard on Monday, October 26 in Miami. The poem was written by the members of the UConn football team.

"UC6NNS AN6EL"

As we got on the plane and rose in the sky
Tears filled our eyes and we all know why
We loss a brother, a friend, a blessing in disguise
But we began to smile as we felt you're vibe
"305" tunes n my headphones now we feel alright
Stayed focused 24/7 with our eyes on the prize
You shocked everyone at first sight, very small snack size
We wondered how you got here, but as soon as you stepped
on the field there's something we all recognized
Lil' man, big heart that had a passion for the game
You always said one day the world would know your name
"Play every play like it your last", something that was easy for you, almost automatic
5-9, 175, but if the balls in the air you'll be sure to grab it
Swagged out every game, I'm sure everyone was aware
Dreams of getting to the next level, always saying "I got to get there"
You struck fear in the oppenent's heart, they wouldn't even throw it to your side
Gameplanning that week, coaches telling their QBs "he's small, but we're not going to mess with the little guy"
The first time you threw that "h" in the sky, we asked what it was and you replied "Lil' Haiti"
You loved your city and always said "that's what made me"
Man you inspired us bro, the leader of the group
Smallest soldier in the army, but the leader of the troops
I know you're up there proud, smiling as you were looking down
As your family spoke to us, we were amazed at how strong they were, none of us made a sound
Your mother told us how you would never want us to stop
So to make her proud we promise we gone make it to the top
Mr. Williams told us to have a passion just like you
Wise words from a man so bro that's exactly what we'll do
Your uncle let us know that the answer is not revenge
He told us that god had a different plan for you, and it'll be alright in the end
Witnessing your families strength, courage, and wisdom is something we're glad they wanted to do
As we get closer to your loved ones, we get closer to you
Thank you to the family, for protecting us and holding us one by one with a hug
Jasper Howard was a brother we all truly loved
To Pooh, we love you momma, you have sons that think of you everyday
I promise that we'll make you proud in many ways
And to Nee-Nee, we'll never fall, we'll walk tall and never stumble
We can't replace Jazz as a father, but baby girl will have 104 uncles
Willing to do anything and tell her what type of man her father was, and we know she'll be proud
Whenever she needs anything, she can call us now
"Shoot for the moon, and if you've missed your still amongst those stars"
Now when we step under the lights we can look up and there you are
As we remember you, since you're gone, we'll hold it down for "305"
You got the entire nation going live 365
"All dogs go to heaven", dog pound for life, Jasper Howard you will truly be missed
And as you would say "dat dea what it is"....

inspired

2009-11-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

Jasper Howard's death hit me very hard. For weeks, I was questioning God and his purposes. I don't really understand and I probably will never understand. I have seemed to have found closure. Maybe Jazz's death happened for a reason; all the bad things that have gone on with everyone has happened for a reason. This doesn't just involve Jazz, but everyone. Why does a 6 year old die of cancer? Why was Jazz murdered at 20 and taken from his family and Jamiya? We will never know, but despite all the bad I think so good will come from this. Evil prevailed in taking Jazz, but we as people are doing Heavenly Father good by responding the way we are. Everything bad happened for all the good that has came. An example was Sat. in South Bend. That was amazing.

When I was watching Jazz's funeral, I remeber thinking if I die right now what have I done? I thought that there was so much I missed out on or that I want to do. I let my fears stand in the way. I vowed to change that. I vowed not to let being shy control my life. I am doing better with that, Most of all Jazz inspired me to help others and give back. I love helping people; I always have. I never did much alone. When I saw that Jazz had saved so many lives; he was a mentor and was all about giving back. I really wanted to step that up. So I got involved with Habitat for Humanity, Big Brothers and Big Sisters, I am baking cookies for Easter Seals, and signed up to play softball with Easter Seals children in the spring, I am gift wrapping for an animal shelter. Plus I have contacted several other things. If I can help one person or change one life in the littlest way, then I will be happy.

People like Jazz didn't have it all like I may have. People like him are what the world needs. They need more good hearted people who will fight for something good. We all take things for granted. Maybe we should try a little more not to. So people don't have the oppurtunity we do. Jazz fought to be where he was. That is all we can do. He helped me look at my life and want to change. You mope around and be sad always. You gotta live every day like its your last. They best thing I can say is live 365.

Jazz you inspired me to over come my fears and fight for what I want. You taught me not to take things for granted including every day I live. You inspired me to help others. Your death hit me hard, but I will be stronger because of it. Your parents will grow and your friends. Kashif will be okay. I know he will just from the letter he sent me. I know Nee Nee will be okay and she will make sure Miya knows you. All this is because of who you were. You left a legacy behind when God took you. Thank you for inspiring me and teaching me some life lessons that no one could, not even Elder Evans and Erguera.

good articles

2009-11-24T21:39:00.000-08:00

UConn Wins for Jasper Howard, at Last
Posted Nov 23rd 2009 2:00PM by Brett McMurphy
Filed under: Cincinnati, Connecticut, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Rutgers, South Florida, Syracuse, West Virginia, Big East

FanHouse Big East writer Brett McMurphy looks back at the week that was in the Big East Rewind.

Two weeks ago, UConn coach Randy Edsall and senior running back Andre Dixon both said how much the Huskies' really needed a bye week after a third consecutive last-minute loss at Cincinnati.

If no other team needed a bye like UConn, no other team in the country needed a victory like UConn. And that's exactly what the Huskies' got. UConn went into South Bend, Ind., and defeated Notre Dame 33-30 in double overtime Saturday.

It was the first victory since the murder of UConn cornerback Jasper Howard. After the game, Edsall pointed skyward in honor of Howard, while the Huskies' players held aloft Howard's No. 6 jersey.

Did anyone else notice UConn's final score just happen to be 33 (3+3=6)?

UConn's victory highlighted last week's Big East action as the Big East's bests -- Cincinnati-Pittsburgh or Pittsburgh-Cincinnati, if you prefer -- were idle last week.

In the only other two games involving league teams, South Florida thumped Louisville to secure a bowl berth for a fifth consecutive season and Syracuse upset Rutgers to avoid a winless Big East debut season for Doug Marrone.

Some things we may have figured out in the past week

1. Don't believe the preseason magazines, at least concerning offensive lines

Rutgers offensive line was hailed as (pick one): the best offensive line in the history of the Big East or one of the nation's best offensive lines. Athlon's ranked Rutgers' o-line as the nation's eighth best, while literally every preseason magazine and dot-com preseason preview touted Rutgers as the league's best. Yet, the Scarlet Knights allowed nine sacks in Saturday's loss at Syracuse and have the league's second-worst offense.

The heavy hearts of the University of Connecticut got some much-needed relief Saturday afternoon as the Huskies were finally able to honor the memory of their fallen teammate Jasper “Jazz” Howard the way they wanted, with a victory.

The Huskies entered Saturday's game against Notre Dame on quite a down note. Since Howard’s tragic stabbing last month, they have endured a string of three heart breaking loses by a combined 10 points. After trailing the Irish 14-0 early and having two touchdowns called back on phantom holding calls late in the game, they were no doubt thinking they had heard this tune before.

The Huskies would rebound, and as Andre Dixon scampered into the endzone for the game-winning touchdown in the second overtime, a deep sigh of relief could clearly be felt.

UConn’s 33-30 double-overtime victory over Notre Dame was called the program’s “best win” by head coach Randy Edsall in a post game interview.

UConn’s success was due in large part to its dual threat ground attack, Jordan Todman and Andre Dixon combining for 231 yards and two scores. Todman also added another six points when he returned a kickoff 96 yards for a score in the third quarter.

Notre Dame’s Jimmy Clausen had stellar day throwing for 329 yards and hooking up with receivers Golden Tate and Michael Floyd for a touchdown each.

While the victory in South Bend alone was huge, the added significance of this being the first win since Howard’s death was clearly evident in Edsall’s comments.

“You’ve got to understand what this team has gone through. A couple of close games, and then you lose a teammate, you lose a brother, you lose a son, and you’re trying so hard to honor him by winning on the field. We hadn’t done that,” Edsall said.

The coach added that the game ball would be sent to Howard’s family in Miami.

Winning in college football is always something to be celebrated, but this victory was more. It was about the healing of a team, the honoring of a teammate, and the celebration of a beloved friend.

Quarterback Zach Frazer summed it up best saying, “We won this one for Jazz.”

Connecticut coach Randy Edsall joined the show after the Huskies beat Notre Dame 33-30 in double-overtime on Saturday.

Dan asked Edsall if he thought Saturday's win was an upset. "No I didn't and I don't think our kids did either," Edsall said.

Still Edsall appreciates the magnitude of the victory.

"There's no doubt it's the biggest win we've ever had," Edsall said. "To go out there and win against a school that has much history and tradition ... for us to be able to do that was very very significant for this university, this state and most importantly our football program."

Edsall said the win has even more meaning since it was their first victory since Jasper Howard's untimely death.

"There's been a big burden on our shoulders from the standpoint that we lost a teammate, we lost a brother, we lost a son, we lost a teammate in Jasper," Edsall said. "There was a little bit of a feeling that we let [Jasper] down. ... To get that win out there, it was like we finally did it."

UConn football fans were still buzzing Monday over the Huskies' dramatic win over Notre Dame. We asked the UConn fans who made the trip to tell us what they'll remember. Some comments have been shortened. To read more, go to courant.com/ndmemories.

"I'm a member of the UConn Marching Band, and the whole experience was so completely amazing. All the fans lining the street as we marched to the stadium, going through the tunnel, marching on the field in front of all those people was so unbelievable. The game, what more can be said, and celebrating on the field WITH the team, priceless!" — Connor

"My parents, daughter and I drove 10 hours from Delaware (my Dad and I are UConn alums) to attend this game. Incredible weather, incredible atmosphere, incredible outcome. If you had told me when I was a student that we would play Notre Dame in football, I would have laughed in your face. To think that we would actually win this game is even more incredible. Anything is possible for this program now! There was nothing like leaving the game and having several hundred UConn fans yelling UConn cheers on the concourse and buying up the last of the game day programs as souvenirs." — Elsa Rasero Batman

"I was on the Husky Express, car #4, and early in the ride everybody on this train was flat and still asleep. Then this young man who goes by the name of 'The Big Swede' starting chanting U-C-O-N-N, UCONN, UCONN, UCONN just like Big Red. This really got the entire train pumped up. President Hogan was even hanging out in this car for a while because the energy was sky-high. By the time the train pulled up to South Bend, The Big Swede had all the fans energized and ready to cheer on UCONN to a big win. If I were Randy Edsall, I would give a game ball to The Big Swede for injecting some life into the fans of UCONN Nation." — Bryan

"Myself and 6

buddies (18 kids under age 9 between us) drove from CT in an RV, knowing but not knowing what to expect. Toured campus Friday afternoon and went to pep rally Friday night. Was completely awestruck by how beautiful and inviting the campus was. ... This goes down as the greatest sporting event I've ever attended and can't wait for Michigan next year. We were so proud of how the Huskies overcame a bad start, bad calls, the overwhelming environment and finally got the right breaks to win the game they've been wanting since Jasper's death. After the game, we went by the player exit area and decided to hang around for a while. Watching the UConn players come out of the gate with tears in their eyes and giving hugs to their parents and others was something I'll never forget and will cherish forever. Thanks UConn and ND for an incredible experience." — bill

"There are so many things to remember about Saturday at the game. But one of the tops for me was seeing the Notre Dame Marching Band come through the tunnel and breaking out with the UConn fight song , AMAZING!" — Larry

"I first want to say how proud I was to part of the huskynation that traveled to South Bend, Indiana. Everyone who was in attendance should be applauded. The large contingent of Husky fans was impressive to say the least. When you get a chance to see a rebroadcast, it was impressive during the interview with Coach Edsall at the end of the game to here the chant U...C...O....N....N echoing at the hallowed home of Knute Rockne. If anyone in the future ever asks you what the experience is like, it's the greatest college experience, but the answer is words can't describe it. You have to witness it yourself. ... As I said in an earlier post about this being a moment frozen in time and everyone will say I WAS THERE WHEN ... Well, we now can finish that sentence. I WAS THERE WHEN UCONN BEAT NOTRE DAME." — Phil Packard

"It was a fabulous experience from start to finish. We drove out from Westchester County with all the stuff for our tailgate party. We passed other UCONN fans along the way — that was the start of the fun. Going down the ramp to the stadium was cool. We visited the Basilica and lit a candle at the Grotto, prayed for the team and Jazz in both places. The ND people could not have been nicer. They were friendly & helpful — wonderful hosts. Tailgating was great — glad you stopped by and enjoyed the food, DC! The game was so exciting. The UCONN fans were great — getting up on ND third downs to make some noise. The usual UCONN cheers ringing through our section. I hope the players heard us and that it spurred them on! Maybe the best, though, was after the game, walking down the ramp from the upper level, still cheering our UCONN Huskies — not wanting the fun to end! Heading back home, the glow was still there. Seeing CT cars on the way home, fans at rest stops — all smiling. An unforgettable experience all the way around." — Kate

"From my perspective, hearing U-C-O-N-N at the end of the game from the UConn section brought chills down my spine. It was so loud. Even a friend from home texted me saying he heard it on TV and couldn't believe how loud it was. Only he didn't know that was from the upper deck of the stadium! My friends and I sat around our seats for almost an hour after the game because we were cherishing the moment and kept asking ourselves, "Did this really just happen?" — Mike

number 1 lesson learned this week in college football

2009-11-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

We learned there might be no better feel-good story in college football than Connecticut.
The Huskies have overcome everything -- and I mean everything -- so far this season, to put themselves in bowl contention. Five brutally tough losses (by 15 points), the death of Jasper Howard and a couple of horrible calls that cost them two touchdowns Saturday at Notre Dame. But UConn made enough clutch plays to add to Charlie Weis' misery with a riveting 33-30 overtime win.
It also gave us the best postgame interview ever, when coach Randy Edsall told NBC's Alex Flanagan, "So Angela, Henry and David, I hope you guys are watching 'coz we're bringin' the game ball home and sending it to you. Because I tell you what, that No. 6 is up there and Jazz, this one's for you, God Dangit!"

a great day to be a Husky

2009-11-21T23:03:00.001-08:00

Today was sure a great day to be a Husky. Throughout this entire season, UConn has faced so much adversity. The loss of 2 close games, and then the loss of Jazz followed by the loss of 3 more games. I remember crying and crying after ever game the last month. I just kept thinking why? When will they get a break? Well, today they got that break. I have never been prouder. This team is incredible they have this resiliency, this heart of lions. I love this team. Tonight they faced ND. It was incredible. When I turned it on ND took a 14 pt lead. I was like oh boy not again. Here they came. At the end of the game, I just kept hoping. Then Andre Dixon has 2 TD called back. Then they miss a FG. I was just like Wow. So we go to OT. UConn scores, ND ties it. We go to the 2nd Ot. ND kicks a FG and then the Huskies get the TD. I jumped up screaming and the tears flew. I was so happy and so proud. They finally got that win for Jazz. A win they deserved 4 weeks ago. Jazz is gone, but he lives on. He is proud of this team I know it. I was happy for Kashif who held Jazz as he layed dying. Today was Kashif’s birthday. It was hard because he was really missing his brother. So it was a good win for him. The thing that tugged my heart strings the most was coach Edsall’s post game interview. He was so happy. He dedicated the game to Jazz and he said he was sending a ball to Jazz’s mom, step dad and family. He was crying the whole time. He is so nice and classy. He has been the rock of this team for the last month. Never has he shed tears in the public eye. He consoled Desi Cullen at the press conference the day after the death. He identified a body and called a family. He took care of his family and addressed the public. He consoled his 105 sons at a funeral for a fallen brother. He had to talk to them after 3 tough losses. Through it all he had to be strong, but tonight he let it all out. He didn’t have to search for the words. It was from his heart. He is a class act. I love him. I love this team. Never in a million years have I rooted for a team this way. Never have I been so emotionally attached, especially for a team not my Mountaineers. I am proud. I will be a Husky for life. Jazz taught me so much, he united a conference, he united 2 teams, he left new Huskies. Jazz left a legacy we will never forget. R. I. P. bro we love ya! That was for you Jazz. And a good one at that. Go HUSKIES!!!!

when will the pain stop

2009-11-12T19:59:00.001-08:00

When Jasper Howard died so many people lost so much. They lost an incredible friend, son, brother, boyfriend, father, etc. The world lost an incredible person. I don’t care how the fight started. Jasper took a swing a Lomax defending himself and then was stabbed. No one deserves stabbed over a silly verbal altercation because a friend disrespected a girl. What is harder than that to take is that Jazz’s teammates keep fighting and nothing goes there way. They fight so hard and always come up short. This week off gives them time to be kids. The hardest thing of all is how JoAngela just can’t get a break. She is not only dealing with the heartbreaking loss of her son, but now she faces losing her house. Why? Why is the world being so cruel to such an incredible hard working woman? God took her son who was going to fix all her financial problems. Now she is stuck in the hood. Jasper’s daughter will never know her dad, but they just keep throwing more and more at these people. When will these people just get a break? Why is God throwing so much at them? I found some closure and understood that God needed Jasper. He thought Jazz did what he needed to do on Earth, but why does he keep punishing those 105 kids, the coaches, Jazz’s family, and his friends, and Nee Nee? It baffles me. It breaks my heart. All Jazz wanted was to take care of his family and now they face this. I wish I could help but I can’t. Maybe one day I can. Jazz meant the world to me. My love for him grows more and more every day. He was special. He inspires me. I just wish I could understand. I just wish my heart could heal.

articles about those great kids from UCONN

2009-11-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

Here are some good articles I liked about those kids I adore from UCONN. They are hurting but giving the world their all. When will they get a break?

The kids are all right; it's the other stuff we're worried about
Vittorio Tafur
Monday, November 9, 2009

There is so much money flying around college football that sometimes we lose sight of what we're watching.

We talk about how another bad officiating call loomed large in the LSU-Alabama game, or how Iowa's and Penn State's losses cost the Big Ten a second team in the Bowl Championship Series, or how Charlie Weis' days in Notre Dame are about over. Money (SEC wants both Florida and Alabama to stay undefeated), money (a second berth in BCS is worth $4.5 million), money (Weis makes $4 million and just lost to Navy for the second time in three years).

The only ones not making money are the players (but please go ahead and pick up their jerseys at the campus store). And they're the ones who determine what happens each and every wacky Saturday: wild, unpredictable, still maturing 19- and 20-year-olds.

That should help explain the unexplainable, like Oregon dominating USC and then losing to Stanford on Saturday. Or Cincinnati losing a Heisman Trophy candidate at quarterback and actually improving. Then there's Terrelle Pryor, the Ohio State quarterback who struggled and had an ESPN commentator rip him for like five straight minutes on national television last month. Never mind that Pryor is a college sophomore ... and now looks poised to win the Big Ten.

Kids do the darnedest things.

The Ducks may have lost to Stanford, but just imagine the fun they had in the six days after their big win over the mighty Trojans. And isn't that what college is all about? Having fun? Since 2002, USC has lost 10 regular-season games. Only three times did the team that beat the Trojans win the next week. The phrase "Party like a rock star" should be changed to "Party like you just beat 'SC."

No. 5 Cincinnati's Tony Pike went down with a wrist injury, and for most schools, the drop to second-string is nauseating (just ask Iowa fans). But for three games and change, sophomore Zach Collaros has been the best quarterback in football. He has completed 76 percent of his passes for 1,229 yards and 10 touchdowns against one interception. Plus four rushing touchdowns.

Collaros' quarterback rating of 210.2 makes Boise State's Kellen Moore's 169.4 look mundane - and Moore leads the nation. Cincinnati's coach, Brian Kelly, said Collaros doesn't feel any pressure because ... he's a goofy kid.

"He's so wide-eyed and interactive in terms of his conversation all the time," Kelly said. "He's a really unique guy in that sense. He's looking at you and he's talking to you about things that are occurring, and it's a pretty special conversation that you have. So I knew none of that stuff was going to bother him."

Connecticut gave Cincinnati everything it wanted and more in a 47-45 Bearcats win. The Huskies have held together after the murder of defensive back Jasper Howard last month and came back from a 30-10 halftime deficit. They fell just short and have lost three straight since Howard's death and five games this season by a total of 15 points.

"This team showed grit, determination," UConn coach Randy Edsall said. "You can use any adjective you want but we just came up short. I'm running out of things to tell them after games like this."

Tell them it's college football. Brutal and brilliant. Tell them their fans and the sport's fans appreciate them. And to keep playing hard. That's all anyone can ask of these kids.

Edsall gives team some time off heading into bye week followed by visit to Notre Dame

Cincinnati - A long, emotional and frustrating Saturday night had actually turned into Sunday morning when coach Randy Edsall emerged from UConn's locker room just past midnight and tried to give his take on the Huskies' 47-45 loss to fourth-ranked Cincinnati.

"I told (the players) I'm running out of things to tell them after a game like this," Edsall said. "Again, we had some self-inflicted wounds and we've just got to do the little things correctly all the time, and if we do we'll get over this hump and we'll win a game like this."

Right now, that hump seems more like a mountain for the Huskies, who lost their third straight Big East game after a valiant comeback against the unbeaten Bearcats. UConn (4-5, 1-4) has lost five games by a mere 15 points.

"Give Cincinnati credit," Edsall said. "But if they're the No. 4 or 5 or 7 team in the country - we are who we are right now and I understand that - but we're not far off (from Cincinnati) and that's what I told our kids."

Then Edsall made a rare concession, his first since the tragic stabbing death of cornerback Jasper Howard on Oct. 18.

"We need the bye (week) very badly," he said. "We need these kids to get away from football. They've been through quite a bit and they just need to kind of be by themselves and do what they've got to do."

So Edsall gave his team Sunday, today and Tuesday off. The Huskies will also rest on Friday and Saturday before giving their full attention to a historic visit to Notre Dame on Nov. 21.

He did, however, reflect on the positives and negatives of Saturday's loss, when UConn nearly overcome a 20-point second-half deficit and put a scare into the unbeaten Bearcats.

The positives:

• The continued improved play of the offense, which scored 35 points in the second half and finished with 462 total yards - 261 passing and 201 rushing. Jordan Todman rushed for 162 yards and four touchdowns, quarterback Zach Frazer was 19-for-32 for 261 yards (and no interceptions), and Marcus Easley caught a touchdown pass for the fourth straight game and finished with 87 yards on six catches.

• The special teams performance of punter Desi Cullen and punt returner Robert McClain. Cullen averaged 44.2 yards on five punts while McClain's 87-yard touchdown return late in the third quarter gave UConn a huge momentum boost.

The negatives:

• Defense, defense and more defense. What was UConn's strength when the season began has now become a unit that has lost its way. Allowing the high-powered Bearcats' 711 total yards was bad enough, but it was the manner in which they let Cincinnati dictate the tempo that was alarming.

There were missed tackles galore, the secondary gave dangerous receivers Mardy Gilyard and Armon Binns way too much cushion at the line of scrimmage, and the Huskies put absolutely no pressure on quarterback Zach Collaros, who made UConn pay by completing 29 of 27 passes for 480 yards.

"The one thing we told the kids at halftime (when UConn trailed 30-10) and I told them the same thing before the game was to play loose and let it fly," Edsall said. "Don't worry about making a mistake. … You've got to come out and play this game with confidence and challenge people."

Edsall and his defensive staff will address some of those issues before heading to South Bend in two weeks, but he sees no reason to panic.

"We just got ourselves in a situation early that wasn't good," he said. "But I tell you, this team showed the grit, determination - you can use any adjective you want to describe these young men - but we just came up a little bit short. I was proud of the way we came back and had a chance at the end."

Bye week should provide relief for UConn football team
By Neill Ostrout
STAFF WRITER
Updated: 11/09/2009 03:31:39 AM EST

It's not often that a football coach says in the middle of a season that his team needs to "get away" from the game.

But after the tragic death of a teammate and three straight gut-wrenching, heart-stopping, energy draining losses, Randy Edsall admitted enough is enough. Following Saturday's 47-45 loss to Cincinnati at Nippert Stadium, Edsall said the team's bye this week was an absolute necessity.

"We need the bye very badly," Edsall said. "We need these kids to get away from football."

Sunday afternoon, after flying home to Connecticut and watching the film of Saturday's loss, Edsall hadn't changed his tune. The Huskies (4-5, 1-4) have to take a little time off.

"Physically it's always good but emotionally and from a mental standpoint -- it probably could have come sooner -- but it comes at a good point for us," Edsall said.

The break comes after UConn was nearly bowled over in the first half by an offensive barrage from the homestanding Bearcats.

Cincinnati gained a whopping 457 yards in the opening half and was still ahead by 20 points in the third quarter.

"We realized that every time they get the ball they're going to score, hit a field goal or something," UConn quarterback Zach Frazer said. "We just had to make our possessions count."

The Huskies eventually did that, as running back Jordan Todman, wide receiver Kashif Moore and punt returner Robert McClain produced long touchdowns and they Huskies came within
an eyelash of upsetting the fourth-ranked Bearcats.

"That shows the fight that we have at UConn, not giving up and not laying down," Todman said of the comeback.

"If you beat us you better come hard because we're coming with 150 percent every time."

But UConn's 150 percent, as it was against West Virginia, Rutgers and perhaps Pittsburgh and North Carolina, was not enough to earn a victory.

UConn's five losses have come by a total of 15 points.

"We didn't make plays when we had to," Edsall said. "We tip a ball up in the air and they catch it for a 50-some yard gain. Different things along those lines."

The biggest problem, obviously, was UConn's inability to stop a high-powered Cincinnati offense.

Cincinnati's 711 yards of total offense represented the second-best total in Big East history. Louisville gained 729 in a win over Middle Tennessee State in 2007.

And quarterback Zach Collaros -- the Bearcats' backup until starter Tony Pike's arm injury -- amassed a league-record 555 total yards in the win.

"Defensively, it wasn't a very good effort," Edsall said.

There will be a memorial service for Jasper Howard Thursday night at Jorgensen Auditorium.

The Huskies say they will never forget Howard or his impact, but they eventually have to move on.

They also hope to move on from this painful string of losses.

A key to helping on both fronts might be a rare fall weekend not dominated by thoughts of football.

EXTRA POINTS -- Safety Robert Vaughn (big toe), running back Andre Dixon (lower leg), center Moe Petrus (ankle), defensive end Trevardo Williams (ankle) and cornerback Blidi Wreh-Wilson (ankle) all sustained minor injuries in the loss Saturday. Edsall said he expects all of them to return to practice by Sunday and each is likely to play when the Huskies return to game action in two weeks against Notre Dame. ... The Huskies will not practice today or Tuesday as many of the coaches hit the road for some recruiting. The team will practice Wednesday and Thursday this week.

Daigneault: Better times ahead for UConn football

Connecticut head coach Randy Edsall saw his team surrender huge amounts of yards and points in a loss to Cincinnati Saturday. (AP)
Browse for Republican American Reprints

Randy Edsall sounded more bummed out Sunday than he had all season.

It's understandable given the nature of Saturday night's 47-45 defeat at Cincinnati piled on top of all the heartbreak the Huskies have suffered on and off the field of late. Still, it goes to show the difference between the people on the inside and the people on the outside.

For the most part, what transpired Saturday night seemed to those on the outside as some sort of progressive step. So what if the Huskies surrendered 711 offensive yards, the most in their FBS existence, to the Bearcats? The outsiders were buoyed by the fact that the defense got shredded with such ease yet the Huskies still made a game of it.

Despite everything that has happened this year -- five losses by 15 points make the Huskies possibly the best 4-5 team in the history of college football -- UConn is, if nothing else, fun to watch.

When is the last time we could truly say that? Sure, the success in recent years was fun because everybody likes to win, but really, how much fun was it to watch Donald Brown carry the ball 35 times every week? What Brown did last year was a singular accomplishment, but can anybody honestly say it was fun?

Enjoyable, yes, fun, not so much.

Edsall will gladly take the former over the latter.

“The game is really just all about blocking, tackling and running to the ball and protecting the ball,” Edsall said in a dreary monotone Sunday. “Those are the things we try to work on all the time. We have to get the guys to understand how important all that stuff is.”

Edsall didn't go as far as to say the Huskies don't understand that. Making that argument would be impossible after watching this group scratch and claw for everything week after week only to come up short. For a long time now, the Huskies have had every reason to lie down and go quietly.

They haven't and they probably won't. It hasn't equated to victories, though it has equated to tons of interest and just as much fun. Face it, right now the Huskies are a compelling story for so many reasons. Even two years ago, when UConn forged a tie for the Big East title, it wasn't nearly the story it is now.

“If you beat us, you better come hard because we're coming with 150 percent,” running back Jordan Todman said. “We're going to always attack and be aggressive. I'm a competitor so I want to win and I'm going to do everything I can all the time to try to win.”

Not that such a thing is foreign to any team, but it is what defines UConn this year. Try as you might, it is impossible to take your eyes off them. You're always waiting to see what will happen next, to see if the Huskies can finally clear that hump and turn the heartbreak into thrills.

There are three games left in which to do that. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. At this point, does it really matter? You know every week UConn will have a chance and watch to see how it turns out.

It is unlikely to turn out well this year, at least in immediate terms. Nobody wants to really talk about it, but what you are seeing this year is probably the foundation of what promises to be a special season in 2010.

If Saturday night's classic game proved anything it's that the Huskies are on the verge of something. The breakthrough is coming, but it's going to require a bit of patience.

“If that is the No. 4 team in the country,” Edsall said Saturday night, before Cincinnati fell to fifth in the Associated Press poll, “you are who you are, but we're not far off.”

Just far enough off this year to be a compelling team with nothing to show for it. Next year, all of that is likely to translate into something both insiders and outsiders will relish

Elsa/Getty Images This Connecticut football team is unlike any other in the history of its program. The grit and determination this team has showed week in and week out is a true testament to Randy Edsall and his entire coaching staff.

After yet another heartbreaking defeat to No. 5 Cincinnati last night by a final of 47-45, the Huskies wake up this morning with a record of 4-5, and slim chances of going bowling.

Arguably the Huskies could be 9-0, but in football it is all about finishing the game. A football team is as good as its record, but there is not a better 4-5 team in the country then the UConn Huskies.

That is nice praise and everything, but at the end of the day it is all about competing for the big east title, and going to a BCS championship. That is why Edsall came to UConn and has built Connecticut football into what it is today.

This season has been extremely tough on the UConn community. All five losses have been by a combined 15 points. Leading in the fourth quarter of four of the games, and then last night the Huskies never gave up with a two point conversion away from tying the game with five minutes left after being down 20 on two occasions.

More importantly, the Huskies have to deal with the loss of own of their teammates. The impact and playing ability of Jasper Howard is even more evidently missed now then ever before.

The Huskies have had to deal with the grief and emotional pain of that situation and at the same time have taken the field with nothing but strength and intensity to win. They have been right there time and time again, but when the clock his zero, the Huskies have ended up on the wrong side in the losers column.

They have dealt with numerous injuries time and time again. Whether it was Frazer going down first, then Endres last week. This team has remained constant and upbeat about the offense.

On Defense the linebacker depth has been hit hard at various times in the season. Also UConn's secondary has had to play a combination of freshman. This team has always been ready to play no matter the circumstances.

The Connecticut Huskies are that close to being a national program. Relatively there division one experience is still very young and it takes time to arrive on that stage. With that being said, the Connecticut Huskies head into a bye week with some much needed rest.

You better believe they will hit the practice field hard next week before they head to South Bend, Indiana to take on Notre Dame. Another chance for the Huskies to show what UConn football is all about on national television.

Yes, there have been many disappointments this season but in the end a lot of good will come out of every loss this football team has endured this season.

No matter how this season concludes, Randy Edsall is proud of the way his kids have played. Each and every fan should praise how the Connecticut football team has handled everything that has been thrown its way this season.

When the Connecticut Huskies reach that next level, the feeling will be that much more rewarding.

Andy Lyons/Getty Images Saturday night was supposed to be all about Cincy football, it was their coming out party and their chance to be labeled as one of the elite teams in college football, but there was something that none of the experts predicted, the Uconn offense played its best game of the season. The final score may have been 47-45 a cincy win but there is no way you can measure the amount of heart these uconn kids have down 30-10 at halftime it seemed this game was gonna be what Cincy was looking for a blowout on national television but something woke UCONN up and they battled all the way back to make it 40-38 until they gave up a 15 yard touchdown run on a 4th and 1. What everybody in the nation saw saturday night was a birth of a program growing and slowly becoming one of the best teams in the big east, they have been able to compete in every game this season. All the top 150 recruits saw last night that Uconn does have a solid football team that can be flashy at times and compete with anybody, and who knows this game could really pay off and Uconn could finally sign a recruit ranked in the top 150. But when you look at the overall shape of this UCONN program their future is just so bright, think back to when UCONN first joined the Division 1-A ranks and now see how far they've come now. Randy Edsall deserves great credit for where this program is today, yes they may be 4-5 this season but does anybody think we would have been able to even compete in the games we did this year a couple years ago or even last year. In the past we have never had the offense to keep up with an offense like Cincy and this year we finally have shown that we now have an offense and when we are clicking we are very deadly. With weapons like Jordan Todman, Marcus Easley, Andre Dixon, Zach Frazier and Cody Endres at QB Uconn could never had dreamed of having players of this capability. This year has shown how far the program has come, losing close games to teams Uconn could never compete with in the past, but lets talk about this season for the huskies for a second, they have three games left in the season they travel to Notre Dame after a bye, then they come home for two home games against Syracuse and South Florida. The question is can Uconn win two of these three games and become bowl eligible? I say yes, is winning at Notre Dame really that out of the question this season? The Irish struggle on defense and run an offense that the Uconn defense tends to perform pretty well against. If the Uconn offense performs like they did against Cincy they can easily win in Notre Dame, it will just come down to if the Uconn defense can just slow down the Irish offense enough to win the game. But, I will ask this question about the growth of this team through the years, two years ago would we even be discussing if Uconn could beat a storied and legendary program like Notre Dame in their own house?

hearts of gold.

2009-11-08T00:41:00.000-08:00

The more and more I watch them Huskies play, the more I fall in love. I wasn't quite sure after last weeks loss what tha attitude of this team would be. I wasn't sure if they would keep on fighting or if they were emotionally done. They have to be worn out. They were going to Cincy to play probably the best team in the country with the best quarterback in the country. The other day I decided to sit down and right a letter to Randy Edsall. I poured my heart out. I thought maybe I could make them believe and let them know I was 110% behind this team. I did that and then my heart wanted to reach out to Kashif Moore. So I wrote him too. I spoke from the heart. I was hoping that maybe I could comfort him and make him feel better. Let him know that I am here. Well, yesterday I awoke to a letter from both. Kashif said that my letter helped him and he appriciated it. That it was by far the most inspiring. He just said the sweetest things. Knowing that I helped make him feel better, helped me. Plus he was supporting me to. My heart is pouring to this team, but I knew they could beat this Cincy team. That was the most incredible game I ever saw. The Huskies never gave up. They never quit fighting. They were down by 20 and came back. The cards just didn't fall there way. I will never understand this, but Cincy is an amazing team. Zach Collaros is an amazing athlete. That Huskie team has hearts of gold. It would have been so easy to give up, but they never did. They kept chipping away and making the plays. I wanted that team to win. They have endured so much this year. They really are a great team. I admire the heart, the fight, the will,a nd the love they have. Randy Edsall was so excited during there rally. He was just like this is unbelievable. That is what it was. For the UConn and Howard family, this was a bad year, but this is an unforgettable one. It breaks your heart and the tears flow just as they did for Kashif and many players. You cannot help but love this team. I think that they left big spots in many hearts. Maybe like that Mountaineer team from 2 years ago. This team is young and will be tough. I love them and respect them more everyday. This is my second favorite team. I hope they win out and get that win for Jazz. I know he is proud though. I am proud. Everyone is. This is an amazing team. The have been through the toughest battles, but yet still stand tall. Hang in there kids! We love you! I won't forget this season for so many reasons or this game. Go Huskies!

got this from the boards

2009-11-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

this article from The Sporting News this week. Apologies if it was already posted, but as I was searching the Sporting News site for a story on The World Series, I found this front and center. If you don’t think our story of pain, heartbreak, and a quest for redemption is still extremely compelling on a national scale, just wait till Sat night on ABC. Perhaps the legacy for UConn coming out of the darkness (and in an odd sense, the silver lining in our cloud of misfortune) is the recognition, attention, sympathy and sheer interest in UConn Football, far beyond what it ever might have been, but for the tragedy, and how the team and its coaches have handled it.

UConn Football and Different Levels of Loss
If you didn't catch the ending of the Rutgers v. UConn game on Saturday – and most of you probably didn't see it live – it was, in a word, insane. The Huskies were down all game and fought back to take the lead with just under 40 seconds to go in their first home game since the murder of teammate Jasper Howard. It was an emotional scene to say the least.

Rutgers got the ball, now trailing, with just over half a minute remaining after having the game locked up just minutes earlier. In the hands of defeat for the Scarlet Knights, this happened:

(Video of Rutgers TD with excited call by Rutgers radio play by play announcer Chris Carlin)

Gut-wrenching. The University of Connecticut community did not deserve an ending like this on that day. The only solace, perhaps, in the moment was the fact that Tim Brown, the receiver who scored winning touchdown in what was likely his best game as a collegiate player – was best friends with Howard, growing up on the same street in Miami.

I had a chance to chat with Chris Carlin, who called the game for Rutgers (and whose voice is dubbed over the video above), about the ending, his call and the day at UConn:

DL: In your years in broadcasting, have you ever seen an ending like that, with a fourth-down run for one team to take the lead, and on the next play, a touchdown like Rutgers had to win the game, all within the last 40 seconds of play?

Carlin: In games that I've actually had a chance to do, no -- that was absolutely the most unbelievable ending I've ever been a part of.

DL: How much of your call is just sheer excitement at what you're watching -- team notwithstanding -- and how much of your call was, "holy cow this is happening to our team?" In other words, if you're doing a national game, do you get that excited, or did a little bit of Homer fly out during the call?

Carlin: I think the excitement would've been there if it were a national broadcast, but it would've been a different kind of excitement -- a little more subdued excitement, if that makes any sense. I called Tim Brown "Timmy" during the play -- wouldn't have done that if it were a national broadcast. As the Rutgers announcer, I've become attached to the program over the years, and especially the fans. When you see these guys week in and week out, you can't help it. Plus, I'm a Jersey guy, and I have always had a big sense of pride in the State University. New Jersey gets knocked around a lot, but Rutgers football has given us something to be proud of.

DL: Immediately after the touchdown, you and (color analyst) Ray Lucas made sure to comment that you "feel sick for the UConn fans" for what they've gone through the last few weeks dealing with the murder of one of their teammates and classmates. The roller coaster of emotions in the stadium in a five-minute span must have been incredible.

Carlin: As the last few minutes of the game unfolded, you just had the sense that some things were meant to be. The UConn football program, the university, for that matter the state of Connecticut, has handled the situation so incredibly well. There's so much to admire in the way they've weathered a terrible tragedy. If they had won the game, you couldn't have helped but to feel good for them, but as the game-winning TD happened, as exciting as it was, you still think about the people on the other side of it. They're great fans, good people, and didn't deserve to lose the game on that day.

DL: Jasper Howard was a teammate of the UConn players – part of their football family – but Timmy Brown, who had maybe the game of his life, grew up on the same street as Jazz. You did a good job of reminding listeners throughout the game. Of all guys to score that touchdown on a day like that, it seemed kind of fitting, no?

Carlin: Frankly, Timmy was the only player who could've scored that touchdown for it to be right. He was so close to Jazz -- Brendan Prunty wrote a great story in the Star Ledger about how he and Jazz grew up on NW 62nd Street in Miami, and Jazz wore "6" and Timmy wore "2" so they wouldn't forget where they came from. As he crossed the goal line, he put 6 fingers in the air. Timmy told Jazz's family that he'd dedicate not only Saturday but every game he plays to Jazz's memory. Timmy's such a great kid; he deserved the moment.

DL: Going back to the play, and the situation on the field ... isn't that what makes college football great? Even a game between two middle-of-the-pack teams in a middle-of-the-pack conference can give something you, as a broadcaster, and we as listeners, will never forget.

Carlin: In many ways, college football is a lot more compelling than the games played on Sunday. I love it, and moments like Saturday's are why I love doing what I get the privilege to do every week in the fall.

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inspired

2009-11-04T21:34:00.001-08:00

Jasper Howard has really inspired me. Everyone knows that I am really shy. Because of that I have a hard time living life the way I want. Often I don't say what I want to say or do the things I want to do. Fearing change is another issue that holds me back. When Jazz died, everything hit me hard. I want to tell people that I love them and hug them. It felt so good to do. I couldn't imagine dying and them not knowing how I feel. Life is to short to not have fun and do the things you want. How can I stand in the corner when I want to dance? How can I miss out the joys of life? It is obvious people seem to like me. So why do I worry? He inspired me to come out of my shell. Saying I love you doesn't make me weak. It makes me strong. Jazz has also inspired me to become active in the community. I love to help others, but again the whole shyness held me back. Now, I am getting active in Make a Wish, Habitat for Humanity, Special Olympics, Big Brothers Big Sisters, and mentoring. Jasper did a lot of mentoring. If I can do these in the honor of Jazz it makes me feel as if I can do something to make him proud. It makes me feel close to him. Like I am completing something I needed to do. It makes me feel close to him. If I can help one person, even just a little than I have suceeded. Jazz was the best. I miss him, but his death has brought so much to perspective. It has made me evaluate everything. He has really changed me. Jazz I love you. I will never forget you. I hope my words to Coach Edsall and Kashif can somewhat motivate them and comfort them. Their words have comforted me so I would love to do the favor. Jasper I miss you. Don't worry you are with God and everything will be okay here. We will all be okay. Go Huskies!!!!

living life and moving on

2009-10-31T12:43:00.000-07:00

Time has gone by. It has been 2 weeks since Japer died. It still really hurts and still I don't understand. I am finding closure in little ways. The littlest things make me cry, whether it be just hearing something on Jazz or talking about death and this cruel, cold world, or it just be the little things in life like loving your family. It is just hard because I know that I want to do so much more here in my time on Earth, but you never know. I may die today in a car crash or be stabbed. All you can do is cherish life I guess. I can't seem to make any sense of this. The more I read or see on Jazz the more I love him. How could you not? It is just so sad. A young man who had so much going, who had done so much for so many, his life was cut short. I guess all you can do is cherish you life. You gotta go live 365. Play every play like its the last play you'll ever play. Just live life and love it. You can't let a day go buy without making the most of everything. I want to do something for Jasper in his honor. I haven't decided what, but I will find something. I love Jazz and I will make him proud in some way. Hopefully those cowards pay for what they did. Hopefully one day I will understand why this happened. For now I will just live my life. Right now I am watching and hoping these kids get this win for Jazz. Its a close crazy game. They are incredible and deserve it. Kischif deserves this. They love Jazz so much. My team lost, but UConn is my team too. Forever will I pull for them. They mean the world to me. They play there hearts out every week with or without Jazz. If they lost this game, I am afraid that it would emotionally wreck them. Put they took the lead with 38 seconds to go. Just hang on. Do it for Jazz. Do it for JAzz. I am in tears again.Tim Brow one of Jazz's childhood friends just took the lead for Rutgers with 22 seconds to go. My heart is empty just empty. They fight so hard and always come up short. It just sucks. I just hope that they can bounce back against Cincy. They are so good and they are just on an emotional rollercoaster. This really sucks. They fall again by 4. Randy Edsall is such a great man. I hope he can keep them together. This poor team.

Why?

2009-10-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

I still cannot stop grieving for Jasper Howard. People probably think I am crazy. How can you grieve for someone you don't know? All Jasper was 2 weeks ago was this awesome corner back/ punt returner for UConn. He was a good respectable kid. When he died it hit home with me. I dont know why. Maybe because I have a big heart. Maybe because I lost a friend when she was 18 and I know it hurts. Maybe its because he was a fellow family member. Anyone who knows me knows I take my sports to extremes. I love the players on my teams like crazy. As I got older and understood life, I grew to root for the Big East as a conference. I wanted them to succeed as one as a family. I liked UConn a lot. I love Andre Dixon and his awesome hair. I love Coach Randy Edsall. He is is a terrific coach and a classy classy man much like our Stew. When I saw Jasper died, I was broken hearted. What if that was Noel? or Brdley? or frigin Larry Ford? The story hurt me because he left Miami and went to UConn to get away from the violence and he got murdered. What hurt me more was Jasper had a heart of gold. He wanted to save his family. His hero was his mama. He was 20 years old and about to become a father to a girl he wanted to spend his life with. Jasper was making something of himself. He wasn't a trouble maker. He wasn't going to go on to let money get the best of him. As I saw more, as I saw the players hurt it killed me. What touched me was his funeral. his coach loved him. They said he was a brother. He saved his friends lives, pushed them in the right direction. He mentored kid who needed them and inspired them to do whats right. Jasper died because of a senseless coward. I hope they pay! Jazz seemed so cool. When Dabney read that poem UConn's angel I lost it. I don't understand this. Why did this happen to Jasper? why now? He was such a good person. Everyone loved him. The preacher said we need to change. We can start and change this world. We need to respect our parents. We need to change the world. Okay so if we need to change the world why did God take him? Jazz was changing the world. Jazz's family could of changed the world in little ways. If God is wanting change then why Jasper? How is this senseless act going to change the world? How is a little baby not knowing her father going to change? Jazz grew up without a dad. He didn't want that for her. Tons of people out there take there children for granted, they abuse them, murder them, treat them like to bottom of the barrel. Some women raise there kids alone because their fathers aren't real men. Well, that wasn't Jasper. Yet Daneisha has to raise that child without its dad when that was all he wanted. Life isn't fair. She won't be alone bc she will have 105 uncles and coaches and friends and family. They will let Jazz live in her. I just never understood. God takes people like Dani, Courtney, and Jo Beth, God takes innocent children, God took Jasper Howard. All whom were good people. Jasper just loved to smile and have fun. He worked hard, got straight A's, loved everyone and wasn't afraid to them, he fought hard to get his family out of Little Haiti and make them proud. He changed lives of everyone he met. Yet a mom will never see her son, a daughter will never know her dad, friends will never laugh with Jazz, a football player will never show the world his talent again. Instead a Husky Nation mourns.... players and coaches cry. A family mourns. It is just so sad. People who beat their wives and girlfriends live, people who hurt innocent kids live, but a good man dies. I don't get it. Why? Elder Evans always told me to pray? I have prayed to God for a week and half for a boy I didn't know, a fellow Big East family who is hurting, and a family who lost there own. I ask God why? All I get is a heart that hurts. Jasper has inspired me. I am trying to live my life the best I can... laugh, dance, and have fun. I am trying to tell everyone I love them because I do. Jasper makes me want to better myself. He was a real man. I hope more people can learn from him. I hope his friends keep their promises. I hope the Benjamin kid goes on to college and plays ball. I hope the Huskies win out and Jazz lives on in them forever. I hope no one ever forgets Jasper Howard. I sure won't. He was an angel and a special boy. He touchd everyone. His teammates would have died for him. He had a strong heart and I hope he can live on in so many he touched. Jazz I love you. We all do. Thanks for everything. I hope you know how special you were. Only someone like you comes along once in a blue moon. One day I hope we will understand why God took you. I know you are in a better place. One day you will be re-united with the ones you love. R.I.P Jasper Howard- you were a very, very special child of God"Play every play like its the last play you are going to play"See some of the comments people said about Jazz. They will break your heart. The funeral was beautiful, I hope those cowards pay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCGzuMWQX6E

UConn's Angel by Kijuan Dabney

As we got on the plane and rose in the sky tears filled our eyes and we all know why, We lost a brother and a friend, a blessing in disguise, but we began to smile as we felt your vibe
305 tunes in our headphones and now we feel all right,
Stay focused 24-7, with our eyes on the prize,
Jazz you shocked everyone at first sight, very small, snack sized,
We wondered how you got here, but as soon as you stepped on the field that was something we all recognized,Little man big heart with a passion for the game you always said that one day the world would know your name,
play every play like its your last and that was something easy for you, almost automatic,
5'9 175, but if the balls in the air you'll be sure to grab it,
Swagged out every game, I am sure everyone was aware dreams of getting to the next level, always saying I got to get there
You struck fear in our opponents heart, they wouldn't even throw it to your side, game planning that week, coaches telling their quarterbacks he's small but were not going to mess with the little guy,
The first time you throw that H in the sky, we all asked what it was and you replied Little Haiti, you loved your city and you always said that's what made me,
You inspired us bro, the leader of the group, smallest soldier in the army but the leader of the troops,
I know you're up there proud, smiling as your looking down
As your family spoke to us we were amazed with how strong they were, none of us made a sound
Your mother told us how you would never want us to stop, so to make her proud we promise we gonna to take it to the top
Mr. Williams told us to have a passion just like you, wise words from a man so bro that's exactly what we'll do
Your uncle told us let us not answer that tragic detail with revenge, he told us God had a different plan for you and it would be alright in the end
Witnessing your families stregth, courage, and wisdom is something were glad that they wanted to do
As we get closer to your loved ones we get closer to you
Thank you to the family for protecting us and holding us one by one with a hug
Jasper Howard was a brother we all truly loved
To Pooh: we love you mama, you have sons that think of you every day, I promise we'll make you proud in many ways
And to Nee-Nee: we're never far, we'll walk tall, we'll never stumble, We can't replace Jazz as a father, but baby girl will have 105 uncles willing to do anything, to tell her what type a man her father was and we know she'll be proud, and whenever she needs anything she can call us now
Shoot for the moon and if you miss you still amongst those stars
Now when we step under the lights we can look up and there you are
As we remember you since your gone we'll hold it down for you in 305
You got the entire nation going live 365
All dogs go to heaven, dog power for life, Jasper Howard you will truly be missed and as you would say that there what it is.

http://www.fox43.com/hc-howardfuneral102 7.artoct27,0,1559000.story

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091021/ap_on_sp_co_ne/fbc_uconn_stabbing_howard

I don't understand

2009-10-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I am taking Jasper Howard's death so hard. I didn't personally know him. I only knew him from being a UConn player. I watched the game vs Louisville, but he wasn't a Mountaineer so I had no special attachment. I respected him, but I shouldn't be so upset over his death. I don't know if its just the fact that he was a fellow Big East kid that hit my heart strings or that he is 20 years old like my best friend Jerran or Elder Evans. Maybe it was the whole going to be a father thing since I want that so bad. IDK but I have learned what a great person he is and it just upsets me. No one should die like this. It makes you appriciate life and what you have. Jasper always told the people he loved that he loves them. It makes me want to let everyone I love know that. I just want to go up to everyone and hug them and tell I love you. This has just hit me hard. Good news is the made 3 arrests today. I just hope for Jazz and his family on and off the field that Justice is served. R.I.P. Jazz You have really made a difference in so many lives including mine.

Jasper's funeral

2009-10-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today I watched Jasper Howard's funeral. Oh my gosh was it sad. I never cried so much for someone I never knew. Jazz seemed like a great person. He helped so many people. I listened to eulogies from old childhood friends that he inspired. They are still inspired by him. His coaches and his teammates and kids he changed their lives. This one kid was like 13. Jazz was his mentor. The kid got into some bad things, but Jazz helped him. He made the promise to Jazz to go on to play college ball and start. I hope he makes it. Its just so amazing what a person he was. He seems like a genuine guy. He loved his mom and family and friends, He never was afraid to show that. He wasn't afraid to love his gf and only her. At the end when his teammates that were with him got up and addressed his mom I started crying so hard. They were like Mama Jazz we just want to let you know we were with Jazz that night. We were at the party having fun before the fire alarm was pulled. When Jazz got stabbed we tried to save him. We would have gave our lives for him and he wasn't alone. That broke my heart. Jazz was so loved. I don't understand why some 20 years old with a baby on the way was taken. It doesn't seem fair. I wish I had Elder Evans here to talk to. He would help me make sense of this. It is just such a heart wrenching tragedy. I have really grown to Respect the Uconn family and Randy Edsall. He is a classy man just like Stew. Its a shame that it took a death of a kid like Jazz to unite us, but it did. It united the Mountaineers and Uconn for life. I am glad about that. There is more to life than football. SHOCKER! This whole tragedy has put a lot in perspective for me. I want to strive to be a better person and I want to do whats best for my family and me. Next year I am going to go to WVU and pursue a career in medicine. Anyway I will always be a Husky fan except one day and vice versa for a lot of them. This last few weeks have been hard. I hope they all heal in time. I hope Jazz's family heals and I hope that baby grows up to know his dad and I hope he has 105 uncles. If we can all take something from this thats great. I hope the Huskies band together and run the table. I love the Big East and it is about bettering us as a conference. I think the Huskies beating Cincy is better than Cincy staying in the tope 10. It has a better meaning. Besides it is still for the best of our conference. I love the Big East. I love coach Stew and Coach Edsall. I love Uconn football for life.

bittersweet

2009-10-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

Basically I have been a diehard Mountaineer fan for years. It was in my veins since birth. Obviously I have a huge love for football. Akwardly enough I have a big heart and I often get attached to athletes. This week has been hard. It puts a lot into perspective. Life is short. Some of us die at 100; others die at 20. God has a plan for everyone.

Last Sunday Jasper "Jazz" Howard a CB for the UConn Huskies was fatally stabbed after a school dance. It was so sad because he was 20 years old, about to become a father. He was doing really good for the Huskies, was coming of a fabulous game against Louisville. That was all cut short. As A Mountaineer faithful, I support the Big East a lot. We are family and need to stick together. Often in football we are underrated and thrown under the carpet. This tragedy was no different than any other time. The Big East united as one..... as Huskies. All week long we supported are grieving friend.Today was no different. As a huge fan, I have seen a lot of games.... the Car Care Bowl, the heartbreaking loss to Pitt in 2007, games in Miami, Maryland, the Fiesta Bowl and numberous home games. Todays game versus UConn ranked up there with the Fiesta Bowl. This game was one that I will never forget. It was a fantastic game, which we won 28-24 but the meaning behind the game, the unity, the love that I experienced today rank right up there. I never thought I could experience a memory like that of the Fiesta Bowl in 2007, but I was wrong.

As a Big East family member, we grieved along side the Huskies all week. We supported them and tried to comfort them. We ALL stood proudly as one. In Morgantown this afternoon that was no different. Our fans came with signs showing love to Jazz. We were bandanas, buttons, arm bands, etc. with Jazz's #6 to represent. Most of all we showed up with our class. Jasper's death united us all as one. It makes appriciate life and everything in it. This is just a game; these are just kids some my age some just 18 years old. Often I think we take it too serious or for granted. It took Jazz's death for us to see this. I was touched today by the outpouring of support and compassion on top of a great, exciting game.

First, our team came out of the tunnel followed by the Huskies. The Huskies were led out by Andre Dixon and Kashif Moore carried out Jazz's jersey and helmut. We cheered for them today instead of booing. In the UConn tunnel was a fan made and signed sign that read Today we are all Huskies. The team came out to a standing ovation from their Mountaineer Nation family. The two teams lined up and we went over to the Huskies who stood hand and hand. We did a moment of silence and the scoreboard had a few pics a Jazz and In loving Memory. After the moment of silence, the teams shook hands. Stew hugged Randy Edsall. Then we went on to the coin toss.The game went on. It was a hard fought game on both parts. It was back and forth and back forth all day. Both teams played hard and never gave up. They played down to the final seconds. It was a 56 yard run by Noel Devine that won the game. There were so many turning points that could have let the game go either way. UConn played their hearts out. They are an incredible team. Jasper is proud of them I am sure. I know he was looking down on them smiling. I wish that UConn could have won along with us. Even though they get a loss, they won the game in my heart and so many others in Mountaineer nation. Our team, coaches, fans are so proud of you. So are your fans. They played a tough game and I pity those they face in the coming weeks. They fought to the end. Unfortunately it just wasn't meant to be today.

What really touched me was after the win. One senior captain ran off the field in tears. Our fans got up and applauded the Huskies. The UConn players and coaches went over and did the team prayer with WVU. The entire stadium was clapping them and chanting "Jasper Howard". The scoreboard had his little memorial. It was this awesome experience. I was getting teary eyed as were a lot of others. Then the team headed to the lockers with their heads up. Then Country Roads came on and Stew led the team over to the student section and they sang. Never in my life have I experienced this. We were all united as Huskies today. It was indescribeable. It was great. It was all done very classy. It was a bittersweet day in Morgantown. I am proud to be a Mountaineer today.

This was a sad tragedy and my heart still belongs to the Huskies and the Howard Family. We love you Jazz and you will never be forgotten. Hopefully, time heals the pain. Even though we are all seperate schools, we are all one. Right now we are all HUSKIES. R.I.P. Jazz Lets go Huskies!!!!

This is a poem that I really liked. A Husky fan on the message boards wrote it. He was inspired by the outpouring of love from WVU fans. Also are a few links that honore Jazz. Please check them out:

We all are one UConn today
As life’s life blood has gone away
To try to put this sad in song
Is hard when lost is one so young

Born as sunrise young as day
Too young when young is torn away
A mother’s joy is dimmed and done
As hard when lost is one so young

With friends came ease and verse and smile
Who knew the time just a short while?
Journey’s start life’s just begun
Then hard when lost is one so young

Brothers all the team they say
All for one, one heart and they
Were brothers joined in loss and won
Now grief when lost is one so young

Tears are shed to one we mourn
And rivals away they put their scorn
To lend a prayer, a song is sung,
To honor when lost is one so young

The pain will last for time I fear
Healing time for many year
A silenced bell no longer rung
Of painful loss of one so young.

We all are one UConn today
Friend, family foe as one we pray
To love that soul no more among
And ease our loss of one so young

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4586211

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4591193

so

2009-10-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

So I thought that despite everything I could have that fairy tale relationship with Jerran. He is awesome and I love him. I am not in love with him. I know it won't work. The only person I can even see myself with is Andrew. I just imagine our wedding, our first dance, everything. I see him as my future. He is what I want. Is it May yet? So I can see where this goes.

Life is too short

2009-10-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I got online to check out the AP polls and get ready to rant and rave and blog about it. I was prepare to rant about how the BCS is stupid. Instead the first thing I see is UCONN CB Jasper Howard dead at 20. At that moment, polls and the entire game of football becomes insufficient. As a diehard Mountaineer fan born and raised, you learn to love your Big East family with the exception of Pitt. As a family we always root for each other in bowl games, representing our underrated conference. I think we are generally a very classy conference. When you see something like this your heart just breaks. Sometimes I think we all, myself included, get caught up in this game. These are kids. Most of them are 18-24 years of age just trying to get an education and do what they love. As fans, we got caught up in nonsense hoopla. As a family though we have to come together as one to help our UCONN family and the Howard family. On the message boards, I have seen such an outpoor from the Big East, especially our Mountaineer fans, coaches, and team. USF, Syracuse, Pitt, Cincy, Rutgers, Louisville they are all sending their condolences and doing what they can for our Husky family. That shows a lot of cllass. I like how for WVU fans, who can be brutal, that we put the trash talk away and are supporting them. We are showing some class and that the world don't revolve around football. Jasper was a 20 year old starting CB for the Huskies. He was actually expecting his first child, A child that will never know his or her father. Jasper was the first in his family to go to college; he was saved from the brutual Miami streets to have his life cut short in a safe place like Connecticut. On Friday, Jasper played probably his best game against Louisville. He was an amazing athlete. Even more so he seems like an amazing person. On Sat. he was fatally stabbed at a school dance. He lied in the arms of a fellow teammate while another addressed his wounds. Then he went on to be with our Heavenly Father.This is such a sad thing. My heart goes out to his family, friends, teammates, and the entire Husky Nation. Right now we are not just Mountaineers, Cardinals, Panthers, but we are all Huskies. R.I.P. Jasper Howard.

Here is an article from Coach Stew that I really loved:
HERTZEL COLUMN - Stewart, players mourn death of UConn’s HowardBy Bob HertzelFor the Times West Virginian
MORGANTOWN — Just twelve hours earlier there was a winning smile on Bill Stewart’s face. Why not? His West Virginia football team had just beaten intrastate rival Marshall and the injury to his quarterback, Jarrett Brown, was not nearly as serious as it first appeared.Yet there he was on Sunday morning, tears in his eyes, his heart weighing heavily in his chest.Word had just reached him that Jasper Howard, a starting cornerback at Connecticut, a kid he was expecting to be trying to beat this week, was dead.It was shocking, senseless death, the victim of a stabbing on campus the night after UConn had defeated Louisville in its homecoming game. As police put it together there was a dance at the Student Union in Storrs, someone pulled a fire alarm, a fight broke out and Jasper Howard wound up laying in a pool of blood on Hillside Road near the center of campus.It was not long after 12:30 a.m., and who was it once said nothing good ever happens after midnight.By the time Stewart arrived to do his weekly Sunday afternoon conference call, the shock perhaps had worn off but the grief remained.Some people talk about the heart, others talk from the heart.Bill Stewart was clearly shaken.He is that kind of man. A caring man, a sensitive man, a person who understands that football is an entertainment medium, a diversion, but that in the real world it does not rank with such matters as health and family.It is a game, not a religion, and when a real world tragedy interrupts the games people play, Stewart believes it is time to step back and reflect upon the important things in life.“First and foremost, I would like to start with a very sincere, heartfelt condolence statement by the Mountaineer football staff, and most importantly the team and the whole West Virginia nation, to the situation with the UConn football family,” Stewart said to begin what would be a remarkable press conference.“To Jasper Howard’s family in Florida, to Coach Randy Edsall and his coaching staff and to all of Jasper’s teammates — we are absolutely heartbroken for you,” Stewart continued. “We are just stunned, as the nation is, regarding what happened on that campus in the early morning hours today after such a tremendous game he played yesterday (at Louisville).”Living himself in a college town, being the father of teenaged boy, Stewart understands what the family is going through. He knows about how the Howard family in Miami sent their son to Connecticut, got him off the mean, urban streets, to a town that is small in size and lined with trees.It is where he should have been safe from harm, able to grow as a person, gain an education and prepare himself for 10,000 tomorrows.“I’m just sick for Randy and Jasper’s family. My God, how short and sweet life is and what we take for granted,” Stewart continued. “This has been weighing heavily in our hearts. Your West Virginia players are visibly upset at this time. They knew this man. I will certainly address this situation today and the short, but wonderful life of Jasper Howard.”There are football coaches who would utter similar words. Some of them — maybe even most of them — would mean them, but somehow you sense that in Stewart the wound was just a bit deeper, a bit more personal. The events, you sensed, tore just a bit more deeply than it might in others who really didn’t have a personal relationship with the football player or his family.“I remember Jasper from last year,” Stewart said. “I haven’t seen a snap from this year, except his playmaking highlights from yesterday prior to our game. I remember him leading the Big East in punt returns and him as an absolute terror on special teams. He looked like a leader and an emotional, fun-living guy.”The one thing that wasn’t on Stewart’s mind at the moment was the game that is scheduled to be played in Morgantown next week, about how UConn will react to the tragedy, about whether they should be given more time than a week to grieve.“I don’t know how this week will go or how this poor tragedy will affect everything,” Stewart said. “We’ll have to talk about that later because I am not mentally prepared to right now. I can’t imagine what Randy is going through. I’m visibly shaken by this situation, and I don’t have a whole lot to say today.”The conversation eventually would shift to Jarrett Brown’s concussion, and to the Marshall game and Geno Smith’s spectacular performance off the bench, and it may have seemed like business as usual, but you knew Stewart was having trouble talking.It’s hard to talk when your heart is in your mouth.

This is a very classy tribute:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_TnjBM8cxI

pain

2009-10-15T05:29:00.001-07:00

So last night I went to the ER for my back pain. My MRI from last fall, which my doctor didn't seem necessary to tell me, shows that I have a herniated disc and congenital arthritis in my back. Nice! Basically, this is something I just have to suck up and live the rest of my life with. I got a pain shot last night and I am on tons of pain killers and muscle relaxants. All they do is make me sleepy. On Friday I am going to my regular doctor to see what I am suppose to do. My uncle has a similar issue and goes to the chiropractor when his acts up. So that is probably going to be what I look into doing. This really sucks! I guess you just got to make the best of it. You can't let it bring you down. You cannot imagine the pain I am. I cannot get out of bed. Its hard to get comfortable or stand for long periods. I can't bend over. It is seriously the worst pain I have ever experienced. There are times my legs go numb and I can't walk. There are times of the day when I just cry because it hurts so bad. It is seriously awful. It won't last forever on such a high pain scale. It goes away except the morning stiffness at times due to the arthritis. Like Bonnie said I am a 12 year old in 90 year olds body. Thank you to everyone who has cared and been so kind to me. I love you all!

love

2009-10-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have sat here since May when I met Andrew and swore he was my soul mate. He is cute, has the whole Edward Cullen look and hairstyle. He is crazy, funny, sweet, caring. We have the same religious beliefs. The only problem is he is on his mission until May. I would def. wait for him. When I went to transfers and my eye met his when I walked in the door, I knew he was meant for me. When Andrew is around my heart does summersaults. He is so easy to love and want to be with. At the same time, he is gone for the next 7 months. I cannot write to him or talk to him. All I can is miss him. I still want to be with him. When I picture my future, I see him and our children. At the same time my best friend Jerran is here kind of. He is 11 hours away, but we talk and laugh. Lately we have gotten so close. He told me he loves me. I do love him back. I always say its in a different way. I don't know anymore. I know that my feelings for Jerran are real. I know that a relationship can never work with us. First, the whole thing is based on a lie. A lie that I can't tell him or I risk loosing our friendship. I feel like I am hurting the one person I need. He is my Jacob. My true love left me and Jerran has been here to distract me. I do love him. If I could be with him, I would. I feel bad. I want to be with Andrew, but hurting Jerran is the last thing I want to do. After all, I promised him I wouldn't. Love has to be complicated. Maybe in 7 months, Andrew won't even want me. I just know no matter how bad a day is Jerran cheers me up. Ilove our sweet conversations. I love him. He said he would do anything for me and I believe that. He wants to pay to fly me to MB over Christmas Break. I told him no LOL I just don't want to disappoint him. He is my best friend. I love him.

hmmm

2009-10-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

I have spent a long time running from the things in life. Obviously, I have a lot of trust issues. My past was crazy and I did a lot of things I am sorry for. Most of all I was really hurt when I trusted this one person and they destroyed that trust in me. I took years of physical and emotional abuse. It takes a toll on you. Deep down you believe the things that you are told day after day. That is all that you see. Then there is the fear of going down that same road. You don't want to fall away from your morals and standards again. You never want to hurt your family and friends again. Most of all You never want to be controlled and abused again so you live in fear. Fear is the single worst way to live I think. It really hurts you in a lot of ways. More than you ever see. For so long I lived in fear. I would look in the mirror and hate what I saw. If I found someone who liked me I got scared and pushed that person away. I was definately attracted to the bad boy who was going break my heart. When all I wanted was someone to love and accept me. I didn't want to get hurt though so I wouldn't allow anyone in enough or I would hurt them first. Over the past few months, I have changed a lot. I am a stronger person than I gave myself credit for. I went out on a limb and changed my life for me. I think you have to trust yourself and believe in yourself before you can trust anyone again. I think I am able to do that now. I am tired of running from my fears. I am a pretty unique person. I think I am weird, but people really seem to like me. I judge myself more than anyone judges me. I am a good person. I needed not to look down on myself so much. Right now, I am really trying not to do that. Confidence is sexy. If I am never confident in myself then I will never be able to trust anyone again. Who wants that? I am beginning to trust others. I have a few friends in life I really trust. Elder Evans and Elder Erguera for instance. They were the first people I really was able to confide in. Bonnie, Alita, Kristin, and a few of my girlfriend I really trust them. Jerran has became one of my best friends. He really showed me that I can trust people. Sometime you get hurt in life. Sometimes you are going to mess up and fail. It is not reason to run or push people away. You will always have certain people who will love you unconditionally. So I am done running from my fears. Seriously, I am ready to put myself out there on a limb and go with the flow. I don't believe you should look for love. I think if its meant to be, it will work its self out. Don't run away because your scared. Don't play games with people though because it can really damage them

running from your fears

2009-10-12T20:18:00.001-07:00

Ever since my relationship with Richard failed, I always ran from anything that could have been good. That or else I pined for the guys that didn't want me. It was always easier than getting hurt. I spent almost 6 years with Richard and that failed. I spent most of that time being abused, cheated on, and just torn apart inside. The first person I ever went out on a limb with and trusted, totally broke my heart. It was tough getting past that. Plus all the pain I endured from the relationship had took its toll. Honestly, I believed Richard. I believed that I would never find anyone. I would always be alone. That is a huge fear of mine. Every guy that ever came into my life I pushed away. Then there was Jerran. I met him last Jan. We talked and became friends. I always counted him as one of my best friends. Things happened and we drifted apart for a small time. Then hr came back to me. Ever since we have grown even closer. I love Jerran with all my heart. I believe him when he says he loves me. This is a complicated situation, but for the first time in a long time, I am not pushing him away because of fear. I know a relationship will never be, but I trust him. I trust him that he is legit and that he will always stay my friend. To be able to trust someone again is a big deal for me. Thanks Jerran. I love you. I really do. I know one day we will both find someone else; someone that is meant for us. We will always have each other though. We will always have this bond and love. Thank you for giving me this trust back. I am forever grateful.

Starting over and moving on

2009-10-09T16:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been awhile since I blogged on here. I guess check out my myspace if you want detail to detail blogs about the past few months.

First off, in march I met two incredible young men Elder Evans and Elder Erguera. We have became really good friends. They are Mormon missionaries here in the Pittsburgh area for a mission. One day they knocked on my door. At first I was like oh yeah two hotties. At the time my life was a mess. I cried daily. I had ruined family ties. I was drinking and hooking up. Lets face it I was at rock bottom. Financially my life was a mess. All that mattered to me was partying. As fun as it was it was killing me. I wasn't happy; I wanted a boyfriend. I had began exploring religious areas. I guess I was hoping it would make me happy. So when these two showed up I gave them a shot. We became friends and I really liked them. As time passed, I just knew the Mormon religion was right. I believed that Joesph Smith was a prophet. I prayed to heavenly father and got my answers. For the first time I was really happy. Giving up the partying lifestyle was tough. I struggled. One night I got violent and was a fool. I tried to drive home drunk. Luckily I passed out in the driver seat. I could have killed someone or myself. This was when I gave up the partying. I became serious about it. I got baptized in May.

Becoming Mormon has really changed me. It made me grow up, it brought me happiness, new friends, and so much more. Elder Erguera and Elder Evans became best friends to me. I love them so much. They found me and saved my life. I kind of think of them as little brothers. Without them, who knows where I would be. I am forever grateful to them. They have both been transfered out of the area and into a new area. Elder Evans is in McSherryton, Pa and Elder Erguera is up near Pittsburgh. We still right and keep in touch. Hopefully we can remain life long friends. I miss them. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them or what they have taught me. They have changed my life for the best.

I also met this incredible guy. I swear he is my soul mate. We aren't dating. I am trying to wait for him. I really adore this guy. He is crazy just like me. I really feel good about this one. He is a Mormon. He is my Edward.

I still talk to my Jacob aka Jerran. Our relationship has really grown. We are very good friends. I love him in his own way. He broke up with his girlfriend. My only worry is that I am going to hurt him. He promised me that I am his best friend and he will never leave me. So I am holding him to that.

I never thought

2009-01-29T07:28:00.001-08:00

Wow! I have gotten mad at Larry at stupid petty things. Things that got me all worked up because I let my imagination get carried away. I always still thought of him as a gentleman. I was mad as a front to help my heart heal. I hate feeling broken. That is what this entire relationship has done. Last night I IMed him. My status yesterday was like is happy with how life is, but wishing I could have the thing I want the most. and he was like is sayin i think im.... What does that mean? So I IMed him. He was very distant and I cant describe it....weird. He was like Ima get a hold of u and signed off. He never called or texted. It just really hurt me. I am having a hard time with this. I trried to believe he was busy. Maybe he was an asshole all along. I tend to pick them that way. I just can't believe he led me on for a month, How can someone mean nothing to you and you let them think they do? I could never do that. It hurts so much. I should have none better..... he is a guy first of all. Second he is a hott football player. I just never thought he was capable of being like the rest of the male sex. So not my edward. Anyway I read to make them jealous. I was going to do this to make him think he had to be more there. Now, I just want to do it to do it. First it said to have fun. Stay busy. So work, school, and studying will occupy the week. Weekends are going to be straight fun from now on. This Sat. is the movies w/ Bonnie, Chad, and Alita and then ice skating. Sunday is the superbowl..... go Cards! Next weekend is my friend Brandi coming home. I am going to go out with the girls and just get wasted all weekend long. HAHA! I am living my life. Make yoursel appealing to them.... go to the gym. I have been working out and eating right and I say that on my facebook. I lost 6 lbs and let him know. Then next week I got an appt to get highlights. I am doing things for myself now. I want to look good for my summer of fun. Third it said to date..... pssh! I dont date, but I can say I am. Tonite I am going out for dinner and a movie...... Bonnie, I used you all as who I am goin with,.... you chad and Chris haha. WTF I am going to make it seem like I can get any guy I want. No more sad down messages only happy ones. I am going to be with Edward and enjoying life. I am going to have confidence in myself. So fuck you Larry. I hope you realize what you just lost. I am not goin to say that I am pretty, but I am a good person. I have a great personality and so many great things about me. You lost out on that, I want you to realize that. You fuckin broke my heart. I thought you were differrent. I am not going to let this bring me down. I saw your true colors last nite. You are worse than the others. You let me beloeve the lie. So fuck you! I am going to work at school, work, and losing weight. I am going to make life great again. Without Larry or any guy besides Edward Cullen. My one and only true love.

just friends

2009-01-27T09:05:00.001-08:00

Well, on Sat. before Larry got a hold of me, I had the perfect mind set. I was attached to him, but I could let go. Then he complicates things by telling me exaclty what I knew deep down. Now, it is hard knowing everything to get in the mind to just be his friend. I can't do that. This is hard. I just want him. I would hate to let go just because I can't handle this. No one has ever felt so right to me. Maybe its just because nobody has ever treated me the way he does. He acts like I am something special. I've always had guys treat me bad or whatever. He is always so kind and patient with me. He knows the exact thing to make me feel better. I wish he would just see what has really been bothering me and tell me something to make it better. I don't know maybe I need to just ask him what our deal is. I think Larry is so incredible. Maybe I shouild suck it up. I know for some reason he cares about me. He doesn't have time for a relationship right this second so what am I worried about? I guess I just miss him and I want him. I am afraid he will forget me, but that doesn't seem to happen. Why can't I just suck this up? I need to try. Otherwise, I am going to ruin what could be the best thing ever happen to me. Obviously, I can't do this. I found what I need to go back to hating him. I can hate him and love life in Shanna's World. I just hope he can leave me alone this time. Let me hate you even though I shouldn't. Let me be crazy. Don't make me fall for you. Don't try to be anything with me because you are all I want. I cannot do that. I need to hate you

decision

2009-01-26T06:14:00.001-08:00

So I think I made a decision about Larry. Maybe I am stupid, but I cannot do this. I need to be happy. As much as I care about Larry, I just can't keep doing this. This isn't the right time. Football is hif life; he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. I fell too deep too soon. I thought about telling him I cannot be friends with him. Everyone tells me I shouldn't do that. I guess I will talk to him and be his friend. Maybe someday things will work out. For now I think I am better off with Edward in Shanna's World.

can someone please help me?

2009-01-24T22:41:00.001-08:00

I dont know what to do. I fell so head over heals for Larry these past 3 weeks. I could not help it. He was incredible. I have a hard tiime dealing with us. In the past I have been hurt time after time. This time Larry came into my life. I was content. Happy as a button. Life was great. Then this huge change was thrown at me. I tried to take it with stride. I couldn't help to fall so hard. Larry treated me like I was something special. No one every treated me this way. Everything was great. Then school and football started. Things got hectic in both our lives. I freaked out. If you start talking and get this huge jolt of craziness, it complicates the situation. I am in the beginning states of a relationship and we dont speak daily. It strains the relationship. I have issues obviously in this situation. It gets better and then bam. I dont talk to him in a week. I am stressed out over work and upset. I cried all day Friday. All I want is him. Then I manage to let myself back to Shanna's world, my safe harbor. I get mad and hate Larry. I didn't know why, but it was easier. So I am minding my own business. I am happy. On cloud 9. Things are finally normal. Then I get the message on facebook in the IM. Hey baby. We talk he has been exhausted and busy. I am crazy. What do I do? Please annyone give me advice. I cannot let my guard down to get hurt. That is my biggest fear. He is all I want. I kept hoping deep down to make this work. I was hopin to hear from him. I can see myself with him. I can picture us having fun and laughing. From the day we met, I felt a connection I cannot deny. I couldn't see what this man saw in me. Now I can. I couldn't see how he would hurt me on purpose. I thought he cared. All I want is to find someone and be happy. My rant made me feel better when I was hurting. That is how my world works. What do I do? I really want to be with him. I feel this way. It has nothing to do with race, football. I like him because of who he is. I would never hurt or betray him. I wouldn't use him. I want a family. It doesnt matter if they are black, white, or orange. I just want happiness. When things are good, I feel like I could be happy here. I need advice. I don't know what I am doing here.

back to reality

2009-01-24T20:58:00.001-08:00

I wrote the first blog yesterday. I had to share that. Here is how I am today..... SCREW GUYS!
FYI~ Edward is a character from a book..... my safe harbor.

I am so grateful that Edward has decided to give me another chance. I don't know what I was thinking. There is no one that could ever compare to him and the Cullens. I love them all so much. Next time I decide to run off and be with someone else, I will remember this. I should have at least went with Jacob my bff. It was just a difficult choice. I should have known better than to trust Larry. He is an athlete. At least I can look at this and not cry. He showed his true colors. All I wanted was to be happy. Happiness doesn't exist with anyone but Edward. I love him now and forever. I was just hurt that Larry let me down this way. He should have let go after our date. Leading me on, hurt much worse. I am back with my Cullens. I have the most incredible family in the world. I woke up and gave Larry help after rekindling my romance with Edward...... Thanks Brandi. I went on a happy hyper fired up rampage to Alita and in my mind. I let go. Not a single tear shed today. I am perfectly happy now. I cannot wait to spend the evening with my fav. family. Love ya all. Thanks for the second chance. We are even Edward. Also, I have decided to rebel. Being a good girl has not paid off. So I am going to be bad. Next Sat. I am going skating and so not paying. Haha..... i AM A REBEL!!!!

The story behind the wall

2009-01-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

What happens when you fall so hard for someone so fast? I try to let go. I try and slow down. All I want is to be happy with someone. I am totally happy in my life. I've been through so much. I was in a relationship for 6 years. I was verbally and physically abused. It put me in a rough spot. I tried to make myself feel better and I met guys but I wasn't ready. The first time I was, I got screwed over. I got played time and time again. I went back to the single life and was happy. Then I met a nice guy, who I liked but I screwed it up. I went through 5 more months of the single life. I am so afraid to trust people and let them in. I always get hurt. I live in a world that I try so hard to protect myself from the outside world. I only let people in when I trust them. I have been shy and awkward and hurt so much in my life. Ever since I can remember I had quite the imagination. I could invent these crazy stories and dreams. I look at that as a plus. I love that about myself. Maybe this all starts from my parents divorce, but it is how I am. My parents divorce really hurt me. I was very close with my dad. I was the son he never had. Their divorce sent me rock bottom. It hurt me in so many ways. It's hard for me to talk about it. I knew the entire story.... everything. I knew my dad was at fault. Yet, I still blamed my mom. I couldn't get past that. She was the victim and I was a selfish brat. My mom was hurt, but I took it out on her. I hated her. I don't know why. In my eyes, my dad did no wrong. Their divorce was killing me. My weight sky rocketed. I was so depressed, but I had no one. I thought that no one would ever understand. Plus I got this tough persona. I had to be tough for Casey. she had so many issues too. I hated my mom dating. I felt second to her. I was so hurt. I never told anyone any of this. Everything started to unravel. I was trying to be tough, but deep down I was hurting. I let my shyness get worse. I didn't want anyone to hurt me, I was always shy, but it got worse. My self esteem was worsening. Everything was. Then I woke up one day. My mom met my step dad and seemed happy. I realized I was being selfish. I was hurting everyone. I looked in the mirror and though I am fat and boom. I decided to change. I worked my ass off to loose 70 lbs. Hockey became my life. I accepted my step dad and learned to love both my parents. I had developed "Shanna's World". It was my safe have. I was always happy. It was never bad things. I could protect myself from the cruel, harsh, real world. I was fairly happy. Everything though in my self esteem was backwards. I was still scarred. I was very self conscience. I cared what everyone thought of me. My shyness got worse and worse. Finally, I hit a breaking point and came a long way. I never got over those feelings. I hated myself. Time passed. I was happy, growing up, having fun, watching out for Casey. I met Richard. It was a very difficult relationship. I fell in love with him and that scared me. I tried to run, but couldn't. Eventually, things went down hill. I was lied to, cheat on, abused, lost friends, my life was financially a mess. I tried to pay for his house and truck and my car. I couldn't. I spent so much money with credit cards,,.,, tools, clothes, 4 wheelers, trucks, whatever. I tried to make him happy. It was never enough. Finally, we ended. I was in a mess. I was hurting. My already shaken self esteem was in shambles again because I wasn't good enough for him. I was fat and ugly. No guy would want me. I was going to fail. I ended up making some bad decisions. I was scared. I had met a group of girls who helped me see the light. They helped me find the courage to leave. They listened and let me cry. They became my best friends. I had no one else but these 5 girls. They became my rocks. My life was a mess but they stood buy me and loved me. I went to counseling and was getting life under control. My finances where getting better, I had friends, I had a life. I was living so happy. I had Edward Cullen my fictional book boyfriend, great friends, my family was forgiving me, and I was happy. My life was getting back on track. I envied my friends who had boyfriends. I felt a little alone. I thought I didn't deserve that one thing. Behind the mask is a girl who wants what everyone else wants. I want to fairy tale wedding. The one that is huge. I want to wear a beautiful dress and my dad walks me down the isle. I want that first dance as Mrs......... I want it all. I want a family. Honestly, I am good with kids. Better with kids than people. Giving birth scares me. Raising a baby.... babies scare me. I know I will be a good parent. I want my little boy. Its not just I want a athlete. I may make it sound that way. That's not how I am. Things scare me and I act tough and goofy about it. Come on give me credit, I want some normalcy in my un normal world. I have normal dreams. I want to be a little girly. I have always yearned for that though. There is more to me. I fear things because of my insecurities. I see marriages fail. I saw my parents marriage fail. That killed me. I have been so hurt since. I deal with it. I go to a counselor and I am working on my self esteem and issues. I've come a long way. Now, I kind of look in the mirror and am semi happy with my self. I love who I am on the inside. My weight bugs me, but I am working on that. That is for myself this time. I was still self conscience. I didn't think I was good enough or pretty enough for anyone. I made mistakes they drive me crazy. I have huge guilt for that. I have sinned and I fear I cannot be forgiven. I have a forgiving and incredible family. My sister even seems to have forgiven me. I am trying to redeem myself. I hate what I did in my time of despair. I was living my life. I had friends and things were great. I couldn't have been any happier. I was living in Shanna's World. I was over Richard. I made peace with him and I am a kind person. I think people deserve second chances. I should no. It doesn't make me weak, but it makes me strong because I know we ALL make mistakes. I will always love Richard, but I don't want to be with him. I have no desire. He just needs a friend. He has issues and needs help with his problems. I want to give him that second chance. Not with me, but I want him to become a better person. I think its what he wants. We have no future. Its why I told him about Edward. There will never be an US again, but we can be friends. I am strong enough to see my mistakes and live with them. I am a good person and want to help others. I am strong enough to do this. To do this without wanting to give him another chance at us. He wasn't all bad, but I don't want to be with him in anyway. Things were great. I love my friends. I love my life. I missed having someone a little bit. I envied Bonnie. She always gives us the best advice. She has a beautiful family. 3 little boys and her little girl. Her and Chad seem happy. Kristin is planning a wedding with Trevor. I look at people in love and I miss that a little bit. I never knew if I would find it again. I wasn't looking anymore. In fact. I hate guys. I did not want to date them. I had no desire to date, have a bf, sex. I was perfectly content in Shanna's World. I had a lot to straighten out yet. Life was good. Then one boring Friday afternoon like this. I got what I least expected. I was on Facebook adding WVU football players for friends. It was just like anyone adds celebs, musicians, athletes. I never planned on talking to them really. Dating an athlete is the last thing I ever expected. I have a stereo type of athletes. In Shanna's World I am marrying Pat White and having his babies. In the real world athletes are jerks and cheaters. I just have no desire to be with one. I did the whole liking a hockey player too much before Richard. He wanted sex but he had a gf. I saw Casey and Meg get played by players with gfs time after time. Trust me athletes don't appeal to me. Well, this Larry guy started emailing me. He seemed nice. I was hesitant to give out my number. I did though. We started talking. He seemed different than others. From our conversations and his profile, I was able to feel okay with him. There was something there. He seemed to really want someone to. He seemed real. We talked and laughed. I was falling too hard for him. I do that. I am not in love or falling in love, but I get attached. I really liked him. He was cute, funny, nice, caring, and we had a lot in common. I felt this connection with him. He made me more giddy and happy then anyone. Even more than Richard did at first. He had potential. LOL We went on a date. We made out. I loved his big soft lips. LOL He was so sweet and gentle. He never pressured me or did anything I didn't want. When he held me, it felt so good. Afterwards I wasn't sure where this went. I don't get second dates. I don't do well on the first. This date was different. I was completely at ease. No nerves no second thoughts. He was laid back and I was comfortable with him. I didn't act silly really. No vampire boyfriends, etc. I had manners, but was me. Not to mention I looked pretty..... THANKS TO ALL OF MY TCAH FAMILY ON ALL OF THIS... MANNERS, ADVICE, SUPPORT, and BEAUTY LOL When the date was ending he kept asking if I was having fun and stuff. He said he was. We laughed and got to know each other, ate pizza, kissed...... makes the heart skip beats. I asked if he wanted to do it again. He was like definitely. I was hesitant on if that was the truth. It was snowy and he told me to text him when I got home. Before I got to the interstate he was texting to see if I was okay. Then he was like be careful and let me know you made it safe. When I got home, I texted him and this was what he said " Awesome. Enjoyed your company Babe. We will definitely chill some other time. K". He was so kind. I figured I don't want to be pushy. He told me things were going to be busy with football. So I was going to let him text me. He always did. Sure enough Friday night I had a text. I was getting worried because our date was Wed. He sent me the sweetest text " Hey. I haven't forgotten about you. I have been busy trying to get stuff ready for school and shit. But Just wanted to text you to let you know I haven't forgotten about you. Good nite babe". We talked for a few. We talked on Sat. Then I didn't here from him till Tues. I was having a horrible day. Very upset about us. I didn't understand this situation. then I was brought into drama. I don't know what was happening with Larry and me. I don't know why you would play games with me. Why choose someone an hr away to mess with or to use. None of it made sense. Most of all I couldn't get why he liked me. So I was flipped out. My Facebook status said something about tired of crying. Its one thing after another. Then his status said "Laughing my fucking ass off" I was furious. I didn't understand why he was a dick. So I changed mine to reading Eclipse. At least my true love Edward makes me happy. Then I go to bed and get a text asking if I had a boyfriend. I was like omg.... so I explained we laughed. He was like I just wanted to ask you that baby. I hope you are good. I asked if you would care if I did. He said Its your choice Babe. I told him that see I kinda like this Larry guy. We had a nice little flirty chat. I realized he really cared for some reason. Then people let me see that I had every reason to deserve him. I have great qualities. If he likes me I should not worry. I tried that. We talked Friday. He seems sweet and still into me. We haven't talked since. I know he is busy and I just don't understand. I fell so hard. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to give him space. I want him to just text me, All I want is him. I cannot understand why I would be thrown into a situation I never I asked for. My heart was whole for once. I was happy. Why do I get thrown into a situation where I get hurt? Why can't I just either be left alone or happy? I don't understand. I am trying to stay strong. Be hopeful that we can work out. I just don't get this. I am doing everything right in my life. I hate being hurt. This situation really sucks. I cannot see someone hurting someone on purpose. I cannot see him saying and talking to me and stuff for 2 weeks after are date if he didn't care. He knows I am into him. I haven't been obsessive with him. He doesn't have Myspace to read my blogs. LOL Not that they are bad. Just how I feel. I didn't do anything wrong. Why? Life isn't fair and I get that. Why couldn't he just let me alone then? He never should have brought me out of my world. I hate this. I keep hoping, but I keep loosing hope each day. I don't know that I can do this again. I want to go back to Edward and never come back. None of this makes sense. Trying to get over it hurts so bad. I am sure I will. It just seems that you look and fail. Now you don't look and fail. I didn't ask for any of this. Not to find someone and not to have my heartbroken. I don't resent him. Maybe he realized he is too busy for this. He is trying not to drag me on any further. Maybe he just forgot about me. Maybe he is a jerk. I don't know. I wish him the best and nothing but the best though. Whatever happens, happens. I will be here if he realizes this is where he wants to be. That is all I can say. This is how my life goes. Being hurt is how I learn to survive. Back to being happy though. Back to Shanna's World.