I never thought

Wow! I have gotten mad at Larry at stupid petty things. Things that got me all worked up because I let my imagination get carried away. I always still thought of him as a gentleman. I was mad as a front to help my heart heal. I hate feeling broken. That is what this entire relationship has done. Last night I IMed him. My status yesterday was like is happy with how life is, but wishing I could have the thing I want the most. and he was like is sayin i think im.... What does that mean? So I IMed him. He was very distant and I cant describe it....weird. He was like Ima get a hold of u and signed off. He never called or texted. It just really hurt me. I am having a hard time with this. I trried to believe he was busy. Maybe he was an asshole all along. I tend to pick them that way. I just can't believe he led me on for a month, How can someone mean nothing to you and you let them think they do? I could never do that. It hurts so much. I should have none better..... he is a guy first of all. Second he is a hott football player. I just never thought he was capable of being like the rest of the male sex. So not my edward. Anyway I read to make them jealous. I was going to do this to make him think he had to be more there. Now, I just want to do it to do it. First it said to have fun. Stay busy. So work, school, and studying will occupy the week. Weekends are going to be straight fun from now on. This Sat. is the movies w/ Bonnie, Chad, and Alita and then ice skating. Sunday is the superbowl..... go Cards! Next weekend is my friend Brandi coming home. I am going to go out with the girls and just get wasted all weekend long. HAHA! I am living my life. Make yoursel appealing to them.... go to the gym. I have been working out and eating right and I say that on my facebook. I lost 6 lbs and let him know. Then next week I got an appt to get highlights. I am doing things for myself now. I want to look good for my summer of fun. Third it said to date..... pssh! I dont date, but I can say I am. Tonite I am going out for dinner and a movie...... Bonnie, I used you all as who I am goin with,.... you chad and Chris haha. WTF I am going to make it seem like I can get any guy I want. No more sad down messages only happy ones. I am going to be with Edward and enjoying life. I am going to have confidence in myself. So fuck you Larry. I hope you realize what you just lost. I am not goin to say that I am pretty, but I am a good person. I have a great personality and so many great things about me. You lost out on that, I want you to realize that. You fuckin broke my heart. I thought you were differrent. I am not going to let this bring me down. I saw your true colors last nite. You are worse than the others. You let me beloeve the lie. So fuck you! I am going to work at school, work, and losing weight. I am going to make life great again. Without Larry or any guy besides Edward Cullen. My one and only true love.

just friends

Well, on Sat. before Larry got a hold of me, I had the perfect mind set. I was attached to him, but I could let go. Then he complicates things by telling me exaclty what I knew deep down. Now, it is hard knowing everything to get in the mind to just be his friend. I can't do that. This is hard. I just want him. I would hate to let go just because I can't handle this. No one has ever felt so right to me. Maybe its just because nobody has ever treated me the way he does. He acts like I am something special. I've always had guys treat me bad or whatever. He is always so kind and patient with me. He knows the exact thing to make me feel better. I wish he would just see what has really been bothering me and tell me something to make it better. I don't know maybe I need to just ask him what our deal is. I think Larry is so incredible. Maybe I shouild suck it up. I know for some reason he cares about me. He doesn't have time for a relationship right this second so what am I worried about? I guess I just miss him and I want him. I am afraid he will forget me, but that doesn't seem to happen. Why can't I just suck this up? I need to try. Otherwise, I am going to ruin what could be the best thing ever happen to me. Obviously, I can't do this. I found what I need to go back to hating him. I can hate him and love life in Shanna's World. I just hope he can leave me alone this time. Let me hate you even though I shouldn't. Let me be crazy. Don't make me fall for you. Don't try to be anything with me because you are all I want. I cannot do that. I need to hate you

decision

So I think I made a decision about Larry. Maybe I am stupid, but I cannot do this. I need to be happy. As much as I care about Larry, I just can't keep doing this. This isn't the right time. Football is hif life; he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. I fell too deep too soon. I thought about telling him I cannot be friends with him. Everyone tells me I shouldn't do that. I guess I will talk to him and be his friend. Maybe someday things will work out. For now I think I am better off with Edward in Shanna's World.

can someone please help me?

I dont know what to do. I fell so head over heals for Larry these past 3 weeks. I could not help it. He was incredible. I have a hard tiime dealing with us. In the past I have been hurt time after time. This time Larry came into my life. I was content. Happy as a button. Life was great. Then this huge change was thrown at me. I tried to take it with stride. I couldn't help to fall so hard. Larry treated me like I was something special. No one every treated me this way. Everything was great. Then school and football started. Things got hectic in both our lives. I freaked out. If you start talking and get this huge jolt of craziness, it complicates the situation. I am in the beginning states of a relationship and we dont speak daily. It strains the relationship. I have issues obviously in this situation. It gets better and then bam. I dont talk to him in a week. I am stressed out over work and upset. I cried all day Friday. All I want is him. Then I manage to let myself back to Shanna's world, my safe harbor. I get mad and hate Larry. I didn't know why, but it was easier. So I am minding my own business. I am happy. On cloud 9. Things are finally normal. Then I get the message on facebook in the IM. Hey baby. We talk he has been exhausted and busy. I am crazy. What do I do? Please annyone give me advice. I cannot let my guard down to get hurt. That is my biggest fear. He is all I want. I kept hoping deep down to make this work. I was hopin to hear from him. I can see myself with him. I can picture us having fun and laughing. From the day we met, I felt a connection I cannot deny. I couldn't see what this man saw in me. Now I can. I couldn't see how he would hurt me on purpose. I thought he cared. All I want is to find someone and be happy. My rant made me feel better when I was hurting. That is how my world works. What do I do? I really want to be with him. I feel this way. It has nothing to do with race, football. I like him because of who he is. I would never hurt or betray him. I wouldn't use him. I want a family. It doesnt matter if they are black, white, or orange. I just want happiness. When things are good, I feel like I could be happy here. I need advice. I don't know what I am doing here.

back to reality

I wrote the first blog yesterday. I had to share that. Here is how I am today..... SCREW GUYS!
FYI~ Edward is a character from a book..... my safe harbor.

I am so grateful that Edward has decided to give me another chance. I don't know what I was thinking. There is no one that could ever compare to him and the Cullens. I love them all so much. Next time I decide to run off and be with someone else, I will remember this. I should have at least went with Jacob my bff. It was just a difficult choice. I should have known better than to trust Larry. He is an athlete. At least I can look at this and not cry. He showed his true colors. All I wanted was to be happy. Happiness doesn't exist with anyone but Edward. I love him now and forever. I was just hurt that Larry let me down this way. He should have let go after our date. Leading me on, hurt much worse. I am back with my Cullens. I have the most incredible family in the world. I woke up and gave Larry help after rekindling my romance with Edward...... Thanks Brandi. I went on a happy hyper fired up rampage to Alita and in my mind. I let go. Not a single tear shed today. I am perfectly happy now. I cannot wait to spend the evening with my fav. family. Love ya all. Thanks for the second chance. We are even Edward. Also, I have decided to rebel. Being a good girl has not paid off. So I am going to be bad. Next Sat. I am going skating and so not paying. Haha..... i AM A REBEL!!!!

The story behind the wall

What happens when you fall so hard for someone so fast? I try to let go. I try and slow down. All I want is to be happy with someone. I am totally happy in my life. I've been through so much. I was in a relationship for 6 years. I was verbally and physically abused. It put me in a rough spot. I tried to make myself feel better and I met guys but I wasn't ready. The first time I was, I got screwed over. I got played time and time again. I went back to the single life and was happy. Then I met a nice guy, who I liked but I screwed it up. I went through 5 more months of the single life. I am so afraid to trust people and let them in. I always get hurt. I live in a world that I try so hard to protect myself from the outside world. I only let people in when I trust them. I have been shy and awkward and hurt so much in my life. Ever since I can remember I had quite the imagination. I could invent these crazy stories and dreams. I look at that as a plus. I love that about myself. Maybe this all starts from my parents divorce, but it is how I am. My parents divorce really hurt me. I was very close with my dad. I was the son he never had. Their divorce sent me rock bottom. It hurt me in so many ways. It's hard for me to talk about it. I knew the entire story.... everything. I knew my dad was at fault. Yet, I still blamed my mom. I couldn't get past that. She was the victim and I was a selfish brat. My mom was hurt, but I took it out on her. I hated her. I don't know why. In my eyes, my dad did no wrong. Their divorce was killing me. My weight sky rocketed. I was so depressed, but I had no one. I thought that no one would ever understand. Plus I got this tough persona. I had to be tough for Casey. she had so many issues too. I hated my mom dating. I felt second to her. I was so hurt. I never told anyone any of this. Everything started to unravel. I was trying to be tough, but deep down I was hurting. I let my shyness get worse. I didn't want anyone to hurt me, I was always shy, but it got worse. My self esteem was worsening. Everything was. Then I woke up one day. My mom met my step dad and seemed happy. I realized I was being selfish. I was hurting everyone. I looked in the mirror and though I am fat and boom. I decided to change. I worked my ass off to loose 70 lbs. Hockey became my life. I accepted my step dad and learned to love both my parents. I had developed "Shanna's World". It was my safe have. I was always happy. It was never bad things. I could protect myself from the cruel, harsh, real world. I was fairly happy. Everything though in my self esteem was backwards. I was still scarred. I was very self conscience. I cared what everyone thought of me. My shyness got worse and worse. Finally, I hit a breaking point and came a long way. I never got over those feelings. I hated myself. Time passed. I was happy, growing up, having fun, watching out for Casey. I met Richard. It was a very difficult relationship. I fell in love with him and that scared me. I tried to run, but couldn't. Eventually, things went down hill. I was lied to, cheat on, abused, lost friends, my life was financially a mess. I tried to pay for his house and truck and my car. I couldn't. I spent so much money with credit cards,,.,, tools, clothes, 4 wheelers, trucks, whatever. I tried to make him happy. It was never enough. Finally, we ended. I was in a mess. I was hurting. My already shaken self esteem was in shambles again because I wasn't good enough for him. I was fat and ugly. No guy would want me. I was going to fail. I ended up making some bad decisions. I was scared. I had met a group of girls who helped me see the light. They helped me find the courage to leave. They listened and let me cry. They became my best friends. I had no one else but these 5 girls. They became my rocks. My life was a mess but they stood buy me and loved me. I went to counseling and was getting life under control. My finances where getting better, I had friends, I had a life. I was living so happy. I had Edward Cullen my fictional book boyfriend, great friends, my family was forgiving me, and I was happy. My life was getting back on track. I envied my friends who had boyfriends. I felt a little alone. I thought I didn't deserve that one thing. Behind the mask is a girl who wants what everyone else wants. I want to fairy tale wedding. The one that is huge. I want to wear a beautiful dress and my dad walks me down the isle. I want that first dance as Mrs......... I want it all. I want a family. Honestly, I am good with kids. Better with kids than people. Giving birth scares me. Raising a baby.... babies scare me. I know I will be a good parent. I want my little boy. Its not just I want a athlete. I may make it sound that way. That's not how I am. Things scare me and I act tough and goofy about it. Come on give me credit, I want some normalcy in my un normal world. I have normal dreams. I want to be a little girly. I have always yearned for that though. There is more to me. I fear things because of my insecurities. I see marriages fail. I saw my parents marriage fail. That killed me. I have been so hurt since. I deal with it. I go to a counselor and I am working on my self esteem and issues. I've come a long way. Now, I kind of look in the mirror and am semi happy with my self. I love who I am on the inside. My weight bugs me, but I am working on that. That is for myself this time. I was still self conscience. I didn't think I was good enough or pretty enough for anyone. I made mistakes they drive me crazy. I have huge guilt for that. I have sinned and I fear I cannot be forgiven. I have a forgiving and incredible family. My sister even seems to have forgiven me. I am trying to redeem myself. I hate what I did in my time of despair. I was living my life. I had friends and things were great. I couldn't have been any happier. I was living in Shanna's World. I was over Richard. I made peace with him and I am a kind person. I think people deserve second chances. I should no. It doesn't make me weak, but it makes me strong because I know we ALL make mistakes. I will always love Richard, but I don't want to be with him. I have no desire. He just needs a friend. He has issues and needs help with his problems. I want to give him that second chance. Not with me, but I want him to become a better person. I think its what he wants. We have no future. Its why I told him about Edward. There will never be an US again, but we can be friends. I am strong enough to see my mistakes and live with them. I am a good person and want to help others. I am strong enough to do this. To do this without wanting to give him another chance at us. He wasn't all bad, but I don't want to be with him in anyway. Things were great. I love my friends. I love my life. I missed having someone a little bit. I envied Bonnie. She always gives us the best advice. She has a beautiful family. 3 little boys and her little girl. Her and Chad seem happy. Kristin is planning a wedding with Trevor. I look at people in love and I miss that a little bit. I never knew if I would find it again. I wasn't looking anymore. In fact. I hate guys. I did not want to date them. I had no desire to date, have a bf, sex. I was perfectly content in Shanna's World. I had a lot to straighten out yet. Life was good. Then one boring Friday afternoon like this. I got what I least expected. I was on Facebook adding WVU football players for friends. It was just like anyone adds celebs, musicians, athletes. I never planned on talking to them really. Dating an athlete is the last thing I ever expected. I have a stereo type of athletes. In Shanna's World I am marrying Pat White and having his babies. In the real world athletes are jerks and cheaters. I just have no desire to be with one. I did the whole liking a hockey player too much before Richard. He wanted sex but he had a gf. I saw Casey and Meg get played by players with gfs time after time. Trust me athletes don't appeal to me. Well, this Larry guy started emailing me. He seemed nice. I was hesitant to give out my number. I did though. We started talking. He seemed different than others. From our conversations and his profile, I was able to feel okay with him. There was something there. He seemed to really want someone to. He seemed real. We talked and laughed. I was falling too hard for him. I do that. I am not in love or falling in love, but I get attached. I really liked him. He was cute, funny, nice, caring, and we had a lot in common. I felt this connection with him. He made me more giddy and happy then anyone. Even more than Richard did at first. He had potential. LOL We went on a date. We made out. I loved his big soft lips. LOL He was so sweet and gentle. He never pressured me or did anything I didn't want. When he held me, it felt so good. Afterwards I wasn't sure where this went. I don't get second dates. I don't do well on the first. This date was different. I was completely at ease. No nerves no second thoughts. He was laid back and I was comfortable with him. I didn't act silly really. No vampire boyfriends, etc. I had manners, but was me. Not to mention I looked pretty..... THANKS TO ALL OF MY TCAH FAMILY ON ALL OF THIS... MANNERS, ADVICE, SUPPORT, and BEAUTY LOL When the date was ending he kept asking if I was having fun and stuff. He said he was. We laughed and got to know each other, ate pizza, kissed...... makes the heart skip beats. I asked if he wanted to do it again. He was like definitely. I was hesitant on if that was the truth. It was snowy and he told me to text him when I got home. Before I got to the interstate he was texting to see if I was okay. Then he was like be careful and let me know you made it safe. When I got home, I texted him and this was what he said " Awesome. Enjoyed your company Babe. We will definitely chill some other time. K". He was so kind. I figured I don't want to be pushy. He told me things were going to be busy with football. So I was going to let him text me. He always did. Sure enough Friday night I had a text. I was getting worried because our date was Wed. He sent me the sweetest text " Hey. I haven't forgotten about you. I have been busy trying to get stuff ready for school and shit. But Just wanted to text you to let you know I haven't forgotten about you. Good nite babe". We talked for a few. We talked on Sat. Then I didn't here from him till Tues. I was having a horrible day. Very upset about us. I didn't understand this situation. then I was brought into drama. I don't know what was happening with Larry and me. I don't know why you would play games with me. Why choose someone an hr away to mess with or to use. None of it made sense. Most of all I couldn't get why he liked me. So I was flipped out. My Facebook status said something about tired of crying. Its one thing after another. Then his status said "Laughing my fucking ass off" I was furious. I didn't understand why he was a dick. So I changed mine to reading Eclipse. At least my true love Edward makes me happy. Then I go to bed and get a text asking if I had a boyfriend. I was like omg.... so I explained we laughed. He was like I just wanted to ask you that baby. I hope you are good. I asked if you would care if I did. He said Its your choice Babe. I told him that see I kinda like this Larry guy. We had a nice little flirty chat. I realized he really cared for some reason. Then people let me see that I had every reason to deserve him. I have great qualities. If he likes me I should not worry. I tried that. We talked Friday. He seems sweet and still into me. We haven't talked since. I know he is busy and I just don't understand. I fell so hard. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to give him space. I want him to just text me, All I want is him. I cannot understand why I would be thrown into a situation I never I asked for. My heart was whole for once. I was happy. Why do I get thrown into a situation where I get hurt? Why can't I just either be left alone or happy? I don't understand. I am trying to stay strong. Be hopeful that we can work out. I just don't get this. I am doing everything right in my life. I hate being hurt. This situation really sucks. I cannot see someone hurting someone on purpose. I cannot see him saying and talking to me and stuff for 2 weeks after are date if he didn't care. He knows I am into him. I haven't been obsessive with him. He doesn't have Myspace to read my blogs. LOL Not that they are bad. Just how I feel. I didn't do anything wrong. Why? Life isn't fair and I get that. Why couldn't he just let me alone then? He never should have brought me out of my world. I hate this. I keep hoping, but I keep loosing hope each day. I don't know that I can do this again. I want to go back to Edward and never come back. None of this makes sense. Trying to get over it hurts so bad. I am sure I will. It just seems that you look and fail. Now you don't look and fail. I didn't ask for any of this. Not to find someone and not to have my heartbroken. I don't resent him. Maybe he realized he is too busy for this. He is trying not to drag me on any further. Maybe he just forgot about me. Maybe he is a jerk. I don't know. I wish him the best and nothing but the best though. Whatever happens, happens. I will be here if he realizes this is where he wants to be. That is all I can say. This is how my life goes. Being hurt is how I learn to survive. Back to being happy though. Back to Shanna's World.