living life and moving on

Time has gone by. It has been 2 weeks since Japer died. It still really hurts and still I don't understand. I am finding closure in little ways. The littlest things make me cry, whether it be just hearing something on Jazz or talking about death and this cruel, cold world, or it just be the little things in life like loving your family. It is just hard because I know that I want to do so much more here in my time on Earth, but you never know. I may die today in a car crash or be stabbed. All you can do is cherish life I guess. I can't seem to make any sense of this. The more I read or see on Jazz the more I love him. How could you not? It is just so sad. A young man who had so much going, who had done so much for so many, his life was cut short. I guess all you can do is cherish you life. You gotta go live 365. Play every play like its the last play you'll ever play. Just live life and love it. You can't let a day go buy without making the most of everything. I want to do something for Jasper in his honor. I haven't decided what, but I will find something. I love Jazz and I will make him proud in some way. Hopefully those cowards pay for what they did. Hopefully one day I will understand why this happened. For now I will just live my life. Right now I am watching and hoping these kids get this win for Jazz. Its a close crazy game. They are incredible and deserve it. Kischif deserves this. They love Jazz so much. My team lost, but UConn is my team too. Forever will I pull for them. They mean the world to me. They play there hearts out every week with or without Jazz. If they lost this game, I am afraid that it would emotionally wreck them. Put they took the lead with 38 seconds to go. Just hang on. Do it for Jazz. Do it for JAzz. I am in tears again.Tim Brow one of Jazz's childhood friends just took the lead for Rutgers with 22 seconds to go. My heart is empty just empty. They fight so hard and always come up short. It just sucks. I just hope that they can bounce back against Cincy. They are so good and they are just on an emotional rollercoaster. This really sucks. They fall again by 4. Randy Edsall is such a great man. I hope he can keep them together. This poor team.

Why?

I still cannot stop grieving for Jasper Howard. People probably think I am crazy. How can you grieve for someone you don't know? All Jasper was 2 weeks ago was this awesome corner back/ punt returner for UConn. He was a good respectable kid. When he died it hit home with me. I dont know why. Maybe because I have a big heart. Maybe because I lost a friend when she was 18 and I know it hurts. Maybe its because he was a fellow family member. Anyone who knows me knows I take my sports to extremes. I love the players on my teams like crazy. As I got older and understood life, I grew to root for the Big East as a conference. I wanted them to succeed as one as a family. I liked UConn a lot. I love Andre Dixon and his awesome hair. I love Coach Randy Edsall. He is is a terrific coach and a classy classy man much like our Stew. When I saw Jasper died, I was broken hearted. What if that was Noel? or Brdley? or frigin Larry Ford? The story hurt me because he left Miami and went to UConn to get away from the violence and he got murdered. What hurt me more was Jasper had a heart of gold. He wanted to save his family. His hero was his mama. He was 20 years old and about to become a father to a girl he wanted to spend his life with. Jasper was making something of himself. He wasn't a trouble maker. He wasn't going to go on to let money get the best of him. As I saw more, as I saw the players hurt it killed me. What touched me was his funeral. his coach loved him. They said he was a brother. He saved his friends lives, pushed them in the right direction. He mentored kid who needed them and inspired them to do whats right. Jasper died because of a senseless coward. I hope they pay! Jazz seemed so cool. When Dabney read that poem UConn's angel I lost it. I don't understand this. Why did this happen to Jasper? why now? He was such a good person. Everyone loved him. The preacher said we need to change. We can start and change this world. We need to respect our parents. We need to change the world. Okay so if we need to change the world why did God take him? Jazz was changing the world. Jazz's family could of changed the world in little ways. If God is wanting change then why Jasper? How is this senseless act going to change the world? How is a little baby not knowing her father going to change? Jazz grew up without a dad. He didn't want that for her. Tons of people out there take there children for granted, they abuse them, murder them, treat them like to bottom of the barrel. Some women raise there kids alone because their fathers aren't real men. Well, that wasn't Jasper. Yet Daneisha has to raise that child without its dad when that was all he wanted. Life isn't fair. She won't be alone bc she will have 105 uncles and coaches and friends and family. They will let Jazz live in her. I just never understood. God takes people like Dani, Courtney, and Jo Beth, God takes innocent children, God took Jasper Howard. All whom were good people. Jasper just loved to smile and have fun. He worked hard, got straight A's, loved everyone and wasn't afraid to them, he fought hard to get his family out of Little Haiti and make them proud. He changed lives of everyone he met. Yet a mom will never see her son, a daughter will never know her dad, friends will never laugh with Jazz, a football player will never show the world his talent again. Instead a Husky Nation mourns.... players and coaches cry. A family mourns. It is just so sad. People who beat their wives and girlfriends live, people who hurt innocent kids live, but a good man dies. I don't get it. Why? Elder Evans always told me to pray? I have prayed to God for a week and half for a boy I didn't know, a fellow Big East family who is hurting, and a family who lost there own. I ask God why? All I get is a heart that hurts. Jasper has inspired me. I am trying to live my life the best I can... laugh, dance, and have fun. I am trying to tell everyone I love them because I do. Jasper makes me want to better myself. He was a real man. I hope more people can learn from him. I hope his friends keep their promises. I hope the Benjamin kid goes on to college and plays ball. I hope the Huskies win out and Jazz lives on in them forever. I hope no one ever forgets Jasper Howard. I sure won't. He was an angel and a special boy. He touchd everyone. His teammates would have died for him. He had a strong heart and I hope he can live on in so many he touched. Jazz I love you. We all do. Thanks for everything. I hope you know how special you were. Only someone like you comes along once in a blue moon. One day I hope we will understand why God took you. I know you are in a better place. One day you will be re-united with the ones you love. R.I.P Jasper Howard- you were a very, very special child of God"Play every play like its the last play you are going to play"See some of the comments people said about Jazz. They will break your heart. The funeral was beautiful, I hope those cowards pay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCGzuMWQX6E

UConn's Angel by Kijuan Dabney

As we got on the plane and rose in the sky tears filled our eyes and we all know why, We lost a brother and a friend, a blessing in disguise, but we began to smile as we felt your vibe
305 tunes in our headphones and now we feel all right,
Stay focused 24-7, with our eyes on the prize,
Jazz you shocked everyone at first sight, very small, snack sized,
We wondered how you got here, but as soon as you stepped on the field that was something we all recognized,Little man big heart with a passion for the game you always said that one day the world would know your name,
play every play like its your last and that was something easy for you, almost automatic,
5'9 175, but if the balls in the air you'll be sure to grab it,
Swagged out every game, I am sure everyone was aware dreams of getting to the next level, always saying I got to get there
You struck fear in our opponents heart, they wouldn't even throw it to your side, game planning that week, coaches telling their quarterbacks he's small but were not going to mess with the little guy,
The first time you throw that H in the sky, we all asked what it was and you replied Little Haiti, you loved your city and you always said that's what made me,
You inspired us bro, the leader of the group, smallest soldier in the army but the leader of the troops,
I know you're up there proud, smiling as your looking down
As your family spoke to us we were amazed with how strong they were, none of us made a sound
Your mother told us how you would never want us to stop, so to make her proud we promise we gonna to take it to the top
Mr. Williams told us to have a passion just like you, wise words from a man so bro that's exactly what we'll do
Your uncle told us let us not answer that tragic detail with revenge, he told us God had a different plan for you and it would be alright in the end
Witnessing your families stregth, courage, and wisdom is something were glad that they wanted to do
As we get closer to your loved ones we get closer to you
Thank you to the family for protecting us and holding us one by one with a hug
Jasper Howard was a brother we all truly loved
To Pooh: we love you mama, you have sons that think of you every day, I promise we'll make you proud in many ways
And to Nee-Nee: we're never far, we'll walk tall, we'll never stumble, We can't replace Jazz as a father, but baby girl will have 105 uncles willing to do anything, to tell her what type a man her father was and we know she'll be proud, and whenever she needs anything she can call us now
Shoot for the moon and if you miss you still amongst those stars
Now when we step under the lights we can look up and there you are
As we remember you since your gone we'll hold it down for you in 305
You got the entire nation going live 365
All dogs go to heaven, dog power for life, Jasper Howard you will truly be missed and as you would say that there what it is.

http://www.fox43.com/hc-howardfuneral102 7.artoct27,0,1559000.story

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091021/ap_on_sp_co_ne/fbc_uconn_stabbing_howard

I don't understand

I don't know why I am taking Jasper Howard's death so hard. I didn't personally know him. I only knew him from being a UConn player. I watched the game vs Louisville, but he wasn't a Mountaineer so I had no special attachment. I respected him, but I shouldn't be so upset over his death. I don't know if its just the fact that he was a fellow Big East kid that hit my heart strings or that he is 20 years old like my best friend Jerran or Elder Evans. Maybe it was the whole going to be a father thing since I want that so bad. IDK but I have learned what a great person he is and it just upsets me. No one should die like this. It makes you appriciate life and what you have. Jasper always told the people he loved that he loves them. It makes me want to let everyone I love know that. I just want to go up to everyone and hug them and tell I love you. This has just hit me hard. Good news is the made 3 arrests today. I just hope for Jazz and his family on and off the field that Justice is served. R.I.P. Jazz You have really made a difference in so many lives including mine.

Jasper's funeral

Today I watched Jasper Howard's funeral. Oh my gosh was it sad. I never cried so much for someone I never knew. Jazz seemed like a great person. He helped so many people. I listened to eulogies from old childhood friends that he inspired. They are still inspired by him. His coaches and his teammates and kids he changed their lives. This one kid was like 13. Jazz was his mentor. The kid got into some bad things, but Jazz helped him. He made the promise to Jazz to go on to play college ball and start. I hope he makes it. Its just so amazing what a person he was. He seems like a genuine guy. He loved his mom and family and friends, He never was afraid to show that. He wasn't afraid to love his gf and only her. At the end when his teammates that were with him got up and addressed his mom I started crying so hard. They were like Mama Jazz we just want to let you know we were with Jazz that night. We were at the party having fun before the fire alarm was pulled. When Jazz got stabbed we tried to save him. We would have gave our lives for him and he wasn't alone. That broke my heart. Jazz was so loved. I don't understand why some 20 years old with a baby on the way was taken. It doesn't seem fair. I wish I had Elder Evans here to talk to. He would help me make sense of this. It is just such a heart wrenching tragedy. I have really grown to Respect the Uconn family and Randy Edsall. He is a classy man just like Stew. Its a shame that it took a death of a kid like Jazz to unite us, but it did. It united the Mountaineers and Uconn for life. I am glad about that. There is more to life than football. SHOCKER! This whole tragedy has put a lot in perspective for me. I want to strive to be a better person and I want to do whats best for my family and me. Next year I am going to go to WVU and pursue a career in medicine. Anyway I will always be a Husky fan except one day and vice versa for a lot of them. This last few weeks have been hard. I hope they all heal in time. I hope Jazz's family heals and I hope that baby grows up to know his dad and I hope he has 105 uncles. If we can all take something from this thats great. I hope the Huskies band together and run the table. I love the Big East and it is about bettering us as a conference. I think the Huskies beating Cincy is better than Cincy staying in the tope 10. It has a better meaning. Besides it is still for the best of our conference. I love the Big East. I love coach Stew and Coach Edsall. I love Uconn football for life.

bittersweet

Basically I have been a diehard Mountaineer fan for years. It was in my veins since birth. Obviously I have a huge love for football. Akwardly enough I have a big heart and I often get attached to athletes. This week has been hard. It puts a lot into perspective. Life is short. Some of us die at 100; others die at 20. God has a plan for everyone.

Last Sunday Jasper "Jazz" Howard a CB for the UConn Huskies was fatally stabbed after a school dance. It was so sad because he was 20 years old, about to become a father. He was doing really good for the Huskies, was coming of a fabulous game against Louisville. That was all cut short. As A Mountaineer faithful, I support the Big East a lot. We are family and need to stick together. Often in football we are underrated and thrown under the carpet. This tragedy was no different than any other time. The Big East united as one..... as Huskies. All week long we supported are grieving friend.Today was no different. As a huge fan, I have seen a lot of games.... the Car Care Bowl, the heartbreaking loss to Pitt in 2007, games in Miami, Maryland, the Fiesta Bowl and numberous home games. Todays game versus UConn ranked up there with the Fiesta Bowl. This game was one that I will never forget. It was a fantastic game, which we won 28-24 but the meaning behind the game, the unity, the love that I experienced today rank right up there. I never thought I could experience a memory like that of the Fiesta Bowl in 2007, but I was wrong.

As a Big East family member, we grieved along side the Huskies all week. We supported them and tried to comfort them. We ALL stood proudly as one. In Morgantown this afternoon that was no different. Our fans came with signs showing love to Jazz. We were bandanas, buttons, arm bands, etc. with Jazz's #6 to represent. Most of all we showed up with our class. Jasper's death united us all as one. It makes appriciate life and everything in it. This is just a game; these are just kids some my age some just 18 years old. Often I think we take it too serious or for granted. It took Jazz's death for us to see this. I was touched today by the outpouring of support and compassion on top of a great, exciting game.

First, our team came out of the tunnel followed by the Huskies. The Huskies were led out by Andre Dixon and Kashif Moore carried out Jazz's jersey and helmut. We cheered for them today instead of booing. In the UConn tunnel was a fan made and signed sign that read Today we are all Huskies. The team came out to a standing ovation from their Mountaineer Nation family. The two teams lined up and we went over to the Huskies who stood hand and hand. We did a moment of silence and the scoreboard had a few pics a Jazz and In loving Memory. After the moment of silence, the teams shook hands. Stew hugged Randy Edsall. Then we went on to the coin toss.The game went on. It was a hard fought game on both parts. It was back and forth and back forth all day. Both teams played hard and never gave up. They played down to the final seconds. It was a 56 yard run by Noel Devine that won the game. There were so many turning points that could have let the game go either way. UConn played their hearts out. They are an incredible team. Jasper is proud of them I am sure. I know he was looking down on them smiling. I wish that UConn could have won along with us. Even though they get a loss, they won the game in my heart and so many others in Mountaineer nation. Our team, coaches, fans are so proud of you. So are your fans. They played a tough game and I pity those they face in the coming weeks. They fought to the end. Unfortunately it just wasn't meant to be today.

What really touched me was after the win. One senior captain ran off the field in tears. Our fans got up and applauded the Huskies. The UConn players and coaches went over and did the team prayer with WVU. The entire stadium was clapping them and chanting "Jasper Howard". The scoreboard had his little memorial. It was this awesome experience. I was getting teary eyed as were a lot of others. Then the team headed to the lockers with their heads up. Then Country Roads came on and Stew led the team over to the student section and they sang. Never in my life have I experienced this. We were all united as Huskies today. It was indescribeable. It was great. It was all done very classy. It was a bittersweet day in Morgantown. I am proud to be a Mountaineer today.

This was a sad tragedy and my heart still belongs to the Huskies and the Howard Family. We love you Jazz and you will never be forgotten. Hopefully, time heals the pain. Even though we are all seperate schools, we are all one. Right now we are all HUSKIES. R.I.P. Jazz Lets go Huskies!!!!

This is a poem that I really liked. A Husky fan on the message boards wrote it. He was inspired by the outpouring of love from WVU fans. Also are a few links that honore Jazz. Please check them out:



We all are one UConn today
As life’s life blood has gone away
To try to put this sad in song
Is hard when lost is one so young

Born as sunrise young as day
Too young when young is torn away
A mother’s joy is dimmed and done
As hard when lost is one so young

With friends came ease and verse and smile
Who knew the time just a short while?
Journey’s start life’s just begun
Then hard when lost is one so young

Brothers all the team they say
All for one, one heart and they
Were brothers joined in loss and won
Now grief when lost is one so young

Tears are shed to one we mourn
And rivals away they put their scorn
To lend a prayer, a song is sung,
To honor when lost is one so young

The pain will last for time I fear
Healing time for many year
A silenced bell no longer rung
Of painful loss of one so young.

We all are one UConn today
Friend, family foe as one we pray
To love that soul no more among
And ease our loss of one so young

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4586211

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4591193

so

So I thought that despite everything I could have that fairy tale relationship with Jerran. He is awesome and I love him. I am not in love with him. I know it won't work. The only person I can even see myself with is Andrew. I just imagine our wedding, our first dance, everything. I see him as my future. He is what I want. Is it May yet? So I can see where this goes.

Life is too short

Yesterday afternoon, I got online to check out the AP polls and get ready to rant and rave and blog about it. I was prepare to rant about how the BCS is stupid. Instead the first thing I see is UCONN CB Jasper Howard dead at 20. At that moment, polls and the entire game of football becomes insufficient. As a diehard Mountaineer fan born and raised, you learn to love your Big East family with the exception of Pitt. As a family we always root for each other in bowl games, representing our underrated conference. I think we are generally a very classy conference. When you see something like this your heart just breaks. Sometimes I think we all, myself included, get caught up in this game. These are kids. Most of them are 18-24 years of age just trying to get an education and do what they love. As fans, we got caught up in nonsense hoopla. As a family though we have to come together as one to help our UCONN family and the Howard family. On the message boards, I have seen such an outpoor from the Big East, especially our Mountaineer fans, coaches, and team. USF, Syracuse, Pitt, Cincy, Rutgers, Louisville they are all sending their condolences and doing what they can for our Husky family. That shows a lot of cllass. I like how for WVU fans, who can be brutal, that we put the trash talk away and are supporting them. We are showing some class and that the world don't revolve around football. Jasper was a 20 year old starting CB for the Huskies. He was actually expecting his first child, A child that will never know his or her father. Jasper was the first in his family to go to college; he was saved from the brutual Miami streets to have his life cut short in a safe place like Connecticut. On Friday, Jasper played probably his best game against Louisville. He was an amazing athlete. Even more so he seems like an amazing person. On Sat. he was fatally stabbed at a school dance. He lied in the arms of a fellow teammate while another addressed his wounds. Then he went on to be with our Heavenly Father.This is such a sad thing. My heart goes out to his family, friends, teammates, and the entire Husky Nation. Right now we are not just Mountaineers, Cardinals, Panthers, but we are all Huskies. R.I.P. Jasper Howard.

Here is an article from Coach Stew that I really loved:
HERTZEL COLUMN - Stewart, players mourn death of UConn’s HowardBy Bob HertzelFor the Times West Virginian
MORGANTOWN — Just twelve hours earlier there was a winning smile on Bill Stewart’s face. Why not? His West Virginia football team had just beaten intrastate rival Marshall and the injury to his quarterback, Jarrett Brown, was not nearly as serious as it first appeared.Yet there he was on Sunday morning, tears in his eyes, his heart weighing heavily in his chest.Word had just reached him that Jasper Howard, a starting cornerback at Connecticut, a kid he was expecting to be trying to beat this week, was dead.It was shocking, senseless death, the victim of a stabbing on campus the night after UConn had defeated Louisville in its homecoming game. As police put it together there was a dance at the Student Union in Storrs, someone pulled a fire alarm, a fight broke out and Jasper Howard wound up laying in a pool of blood on Hillside Road near the center of campus.It was not long after 12:30 a.m., and who was it once said nothing good ever happens after midnight.By the time Stewart arrived to do his weekly Sunday afternoon conference call, the shock perhaps had worn off but the grief remained.Some people talk about the heart, others talk from the heart.Bill Stewart was clearly shaken.He is that kind of man. A caring man, a sensitive man, a person who understands that football is an entertainment medium, a diversion, but that in the real world it does not rank with such matters as health and family.It is a game, not a religion, and when a real world tragedy interrupts the games people play, Stewart believes it is time to step back and reflect upon the important things in life.“First and foremost, I would like to start with a very sincere, heartfelt condolence statement by the Mountaineer football staff, and most importantly the team and the whole West Virginia nation, to the situation with the UConn football family,” Stewart said to begin what would be a remarkable press conference.“To Jasper Howard’s family in Florida, to Coach Randy Edsall and his coaching staff and to all of Jasper’s teammates — we are absolutely heartbroken for you,” Stewart continued. “We are just stunned, as the nation is, regarding what happened on that campus in the early morning hours today after such a tremendous game he played yesterday (at Louisville).”Living himself in a college town, being the father of teenaged boy, Stewart understands what the family is going through. He knows about how the Howard family in Miami sent their son to Connecticut, got him off the mean, urban streets, to a town that is small in size and lined with trees.It is where he should have been safe from harm, able to grow as a person, gain an education and prepare himself for 10,000 tomorrows.“I’m just sick for Randy and Jasper’s family. My God, how short and sweet life is and what we take for granted,” Stewart continued. “This has been weighing heavily in our hearts. Your West Virginia players are visibly upset at this time. They knew this man. I will certainly address this situation today and the short, but wonderful life of Jasper Howard.”There are football coaches who would utter similar words. Some of them — maybe even most of them — would mean them, but somehow you sense that in Stewart the wound was just a bit deeper, a bit more personal. The events, you sensed, tore just a bit more deeply than it might in others who really didn’t have a personal relationship with the football player or his family.“I remember Jasper from last year,” Stewart said. “I haven’t seen a snap from this year, except his playmaking highlights from yesterday prior to our game. I remember him leading the Big East in punt returns and him as an absolute terror on special teams. He looked like a leader and an emotional, fun-living guy.”The one thing that wasn’t on Stewart’s mind at the moment was the game that is scheduled to be played in Morgantown next week, about how UConn will react to the tragedy, about whether they should be given more time than a week to grieve.“I don’t know how this week will go or how this poor tragedy will affect everything,” Stewart said. “We’ll have to talk about that later because I am not mentally prepared to right now. I can’t imagine what Randy is going through. I’m visibly shaken by this situation, and I don’t have a whole lot to say today.”The conversation eventually would shift to Jarrett Brown’s concussion, and to the Marshall game and Geno Smith’s spectacular performance off the bench, and it may have seemed like business as usual, but you knew Stewart was having trouble talking.It’s hard to talk when your heart is in your mouth.

This is a very classy tribute:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_TnjBM8cxI

pain

So last night I went to the ER for my back pain. My MRI from last fall, which my doctor didn't seem necessary to tell me, shows that I have a herniated disc and congenital arthritis in my back. Nice! Basically, this is something I just have to suck up and live the rest of my life with. I got a pain shot last night and I am on tons of pain killers and muscle relaxants. All they do is make me sleepy. On Friday I am going to my regular doctor to see what I am suppose to do. My uncle has a similar issue and goes to the chiropractor when his acts up. So that is probably going to be what I look into doing. This really sucks! I guess you just got to make the best of it. You can't let it bring you down. You cannot imagine the pain I am. I cannot get out of bed. Its hard to get comfortable or stand for long periods. I can't bend over. It is seriously the worst pain I have ever experienced. There are times my legs go numb and I can't walk. There are times of the day when I just cry because it hurts so bad. It is seriously awful. It won't last forever on such a high pain scale. It goes away except the morning stiffness at times due to the arthritis. Like Bonnie said I am a 12 year old in 90 year olds body. Thank you to everyone who has cared and been so kind to me. I love you all!

love

I have sat here since May when I met Andrew and swore he was my soul mate. He is cute, has the whole Edward Cullen look and hairstyle. He is crazy, funny, sweet, caring. We have the same religious beliefs. The only problem is he is on his mission until May. I would def. wait for him. When I went to transfers and my eye met his when I walked in the door, I knew he was meant for me. When Andrew is around my heart does summersaults. He is so easy to love and want to be with. At the same time, he is gone for the next 7 months. I cannot write to him or talk to him. All I can is miss him. I still want to be with him. When I picture my future, I see him and our children. At the same time my best friend Jerran is here kind of. He is 11 hours away, but we talk and laugh. Lately we have gotten so close. He told me he loves me. I do love him back. I always say its in a different way. I don't know anymore. I know that my feelings for Jerran are real. I know that a relationship can never work with us. First, the whole thing is based on a lie. A lie that I can't tell him or I risk loosing our friendship. I feel like I am hurting the one person I need. He is my Jacob. My true love left me and Jerran has been here to distract me. I do love him. If I could be with him, I would. I feel bad. I want to be with Andrew, but hurting Jerran is the last thing I want to do. After all, I promised him I wouldn't. Love has to be complicated. Maybe in 7 months, Andrew won't even want me. I just know no matter how bad a day is Jerran cheers me up. Ilove our sweet conversations. I love him. He said he would do anything for me and I believe that. He wants to pay to fly me to MB over Christmas Break. I told him no LOL I just don't want to disappoint him. He is my best friend. I love him.

hmmm

I have spent a long time running from the things in life. Obviously, I have a lot of trust issues. My past was crazy and I did a lot of things I am sorry for. Most of all I was really hurt when I trusted this one person and they destroyed that trust in me. I took years of physical and emotional abuse. It takes a toll on you. Deep down you believe the things that you are told day after day. That is all that you see. Then there is the fear of going down that same road. You don't want to fall away from your morals and standards again. You never want to hurt your family and friends again. Most of all You never want to be controlled and abused again so you live in fear. Fear is the single worst way to live I think. It really hurts you in a lot of ways. More than you ever see. For so long I lived in fear. I would look in the mirror and hate what I saw. If I found someone who liked me I got scared and pushed that person away. I was definately attracted to the bad boy who was going break my heart. When all I wanted was someone to love and accept me. I didn't want to get hurt though so I wouldn't allow anyone in enough or I would hurt them first. Over the past few months, I have changed a lot. I am a stronger person than I gave myself credit for. I went out on a limb and changed my life for me. I think you have to trust yourself and believe in yourself before you can trust anyone again. I think I am able to do that now. I am tired of running from my fears. I am a pretty unique person. I think I am weird, but people really seem to like me. I judge myself more than anyone judges me. I am a good person. I needed not to look down on myself so much. Right now, I am really trying not to do that. Confidence is sexy. If I am never confident in myself then I will never be able to trust anyone again. Who wants that? I am beginning to trust others. I have a few friends in life I really trust. Elder Evans and Elder Erguera for instance. They were the first people I really was able to confide in. Bonnie, Alita, Kristin, and a few of my girlfriend I really trust them. Jerran has became one of my best friends. He really showed me that I can trust people. Sometime you get hurt in life. Sometimes you are going to mess up and fail. It is not reason to run or push people away. You will always have certain people who will love you unconditionally. So I am done running from my fears. Seriously, I am ready to put myself out there on a limb and go with the flow. I don't believe you should look for love. I think if its meant to be, it will work its self out. Don't run away because your scared. Don't play games with people though because it can really damage them

running from your fears

Ever since my relationship with Richard failed, I always ran from anything that could have been good. That or else I pined for the guys that didn't want me. It was always easier than getting hurt. I spent almost 6 years with Richard and that failed. I spent most of that time being abused, cheated on, and just torn apart inside. The first person I ever went out on a limb with and trusted, totally broke my heart. It was tough getting past that. Plus all the pain I endured from the relationship had took its toll. Honestly, I believed Richard. I believed that I would never find anyone. I would always be alone. That is a huge fear of mine. Every guy that ever came into my life I pushed away. Then there was Jerran. I met him last Jan. We talked and became friends. I always counted him as one of my best friends. Things happened and we drifted apart for a small time. Then hr came back to me. Ever since we have grown even closer. I love Jerran with all my heart. I believe him when he says he loves me. This is a complicated situation, but for the first time in a long time, I am not pushing him away because of fear. I know a relationship will never be, but I trust him. I trust him that he is legit and that he will always stay my friend. To be able to trust someone again is a big deal for me. Thanks Jerran. I love you. I really do. I know one day we will both find someone else; someone that is meant for us. We will always have each other though. We will always have this bond and love. Thank you for giving me this trust back. I am forever grateful.

Starting over and moving on

Well, it has been awhile since I blogged on here. I guess check out my myspace if you want detail to detail blogs about the past few months.

First off, in march I met two incredible young men Elder Evans and Elder Erguera. We have became really good friends. They are Mormon missionaries here in the Pittsburgh area for a mission. One day they knocked on my door. At first I was like oh yeah two hotties. At the time my life was a mess. I cried daily. I had ruined family ties. I was drinking and hooking up. Lets face it I was at rock bottom. Financially my life was a mess. All that mattered to me was partying. As fun as it was it was killing me. I wasn't happy; I wanted a boyfriend. I had began exploring religious areas. I guess I was hoping it would make me happy. So when these two showed up I gave them a shot. We became friends and I really liked them. As time passed, I just knew the Mormon religion was right. I believed that Joesph Smith was a prophet. I prayed to heavenly father and got my answers. For the first time I was really happy. Giving up the partying lifestyle was tough. I struggled. One night I got violent and was a fool. I tried to drive home drunk. Luckily I passed out in the driver seat. I could have killed someone or myself. This was when I gave up the partying. I became serious about it. I got baptized in May.

Becoming Mormon has really changed me. It made me grow up, it brought me happiness, new friends, and so much more. Elder Erguera and Elder Evans became best friends to me. I love them so much. They found me and saved my life. I kind of think of them as little brothers. Without them, who knows where I would be. I am forever grateful to them. They have both been transfered out of the area and into a new area. Elder Evans is in McSherryton, Pa and Elder Erguera is up near Pittsburgh. We still right and keep in touch. Hopefully we can remain life long friends. I miss them. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them or what they have taught me. They have changed my life for the best.

I also met this incredible guy. I swear he is my soul mate. We aren't dating. I am trying to wait for him. I really adore this guy. He is crazy just like me. I really feel good about this one. He is a Mormon. He is my Edward.

I still talk to my Jacob aka Jerran. Our relationship has really grown. We are very good friends. I love him in his own way. He broke up with his girlfriend. My only worry is that I am going to hurt him. He promised me that I am his best friend and he will never leave me. So I am holding him to that.