Happy Birthday Jazz!

Today is Jazz's Birthday. He would have been 21. It is soo sad. I still can't believe he is gone. My heart still breaks. I seen his girlfriend hurting so much, his family, his friends. Nee Nee once said if I was at that party he wouldn't have died. That broke my heart. There are no guarantees in life. A stupid senseless act of violence took an amazing person from this Earth. All we can do is love him and cherish his memory. He is with God now. Jazz would be so proud of his Huskies for their heart and courage. He would be so proud of Nee Nee and his families. He would be proud of all his friends. They have all been so strong while hurting so bad. All we can do is celebrate his life today. He will be with everyone in spirit. Enjoy the day with him. He is with us in heart. He changed my life. I have really lived by the motto live 365. I have changed directions and been happy. I try to just live. I can't regret things or hold back. you never know when it will end. Who woulda thought Jasper howard would have died? Not me! We love you Jazz. You were an amazing person. You may be gone, but you are def. not forgotten. That baby girl has so many to love her. I know that she will know you. R.I.P. #6 Jasper Jazz Howard. We love you. You are truely UConn's Angel. One day we will all be reunited.

dating and love

Dating is so complicated. I am dating this guy Craig who I like. He is cute and a lot of fun. He is really nice and smart. When we would kiss my heart like stops beating. He is amazing. Then Jerran came back into the picture. He came back full forced. He told me that he loves me. That for the past 6 months he compares me to every girl but none of them can compare to me. That is great, but it plays with my head. I love him, but I know that it won't work with us. Jerran runs away all the time. I am sick of it. The thing is I let him sweet talk me and then it makes me think. Maybe I ain't that into Craig. That is a lie. All of this is going to cost me Craig. I just know it. I wish there was a way to seperate the two. Jerran and I could just be such good friends. It is just easier said than done. I don't know what I am doing here.

the top 10 moments in the Big East season

I gotta love my Huskies. And #1 and #3 were days and things I will never ever forget.


Top 10 moments of the Big East season
January, 13, 2010
Jan 13
1:45
PM ET
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By Brian Bennett
There were wins and losses, big games and duds. But when the statistics and records become foggy in our brains, we'll still remember some of the indelible moments from the 2009 Big East season. Here are my top 10 moments:


[+] Enlarge AP Photo/Michael ConroyConnecticut's emotional win over Notre Dame will be remembered for a long time.
1. UConn celebrating in South Bend: The top story in the Big East this year, at least in my eyes, was how Connecticut dealt with the tragedy of losing teammate Jasper Howard in the middle of the season. And so it was heartwarming to see the Huskies -- after working so hard to honor Howard's legacy but coming up just short in three straight games -- finally break through and win in overtime at Notre Dame, of all places. Randy Edsall's goosebump-inducing postgame interview, in which he dedicated the win to Howard's family, will be remembered for a long time.

2. The Cincinnati comeback at Pitt: In two years of doing this blog, I haven't seen a wilder game than Cincinnati's 45-44 win over Pitt in the season finale after the Bearcats were down 31-10. I made my way down to the field for the last couple of minutes and just happened to be standing in the corner of the end zone where Tony Pike's beautifully-thrown pass landed in the outstretched hands of Armon Binns for the game-winning touchdown. That play, and the looks on the faces of players from both sides, was something to behold up close.

3. West Virginia welcomes UConn: West Virginia fans showed solidarity with Connecticut when the Huskies traveled to Morgantown the week after Howard was killed. Signs of support, a moment of silence and Bill Stewart hugging Edsall were just some of the ways the Mountaineers displayed their empathy in a classy, heartfelt way.

4. Greg Paulus playing quarterback: This was one of the biggest -- and strangest -- stories of the offseason, as Paulus came back to the sport after four years of playing point guard for the Duke basketball team. Doug Marrone gambled by making Paulus his starter right away. Paulus had his ups and downs -- he completed 67.7 percent of his passes, but also threw 14 interceptions -- but it was a fascinating experiment to watch.

5. Tim Brown streaking to victory: In yet another moment involving UConn, it looked like the Huskies had beaten Rutgers after they scored with 38 seconds left to take the lead. But on the very next play from scrimmage, Tom Savage hit Brown over the middle, and the senior receiver darted 81 yards untouched to the end zone for the victory.

6. Dion Lewis bouncing off tackles: The Pitt true freshman had an unbelievable year, rushing for 1,799 yards and 17 touchdowns. What I'll remember is not one specific play, but just the way Lewis always seemed to emerge from a crowd, running through stunned defenders, as he kept slipping away for more yardage.

7. B.J. Daniels' homecoming: While it may have lost some luster later in the season, South Florida's upset at Florida State was pretty special at the time. And the fact that freshman quarterback Daniels led the way in his hometown of Tallahassee while making his first start in place of the injured Matt Grothe made it a storybook tale.

8. The Brian Kelly drama: Cincinnati's perfect 12-0 finish was nearly overshadowed by the rumors of its three-time Big East coach of the year leaving for Notre Dame. And when Kelly finally confirmed he was going to South Bend at the postseason banquet, many players angrily stormed out of the room. Then they had to play in the Allstate Sugar Bowl without their coach. While maybe it shouldn't be the most memorable thing about the Bearcats' season, it's near the top of the list, for sure.

9. Pitt drives into a Meineke: Pittsburgh could have folded up shop after losing its last two regular-season games in the final minute. But the Panthers showed a lot of resilience in the Meineke Car Care Bowl by marching on an epic 17-play, 8:47 scoring drive to beat North Carolina.

10. Devine on the run: When I think of West Virginia's season, I'll always picture Noel Devine dashing to daylight. It's not just the fuzzy lens of nostalgia. Devine had seven runs of at least 56 yards this season, including an 88-yarder against Pitt, a 77-yarder versus Colorado and a 70-yard sprint in the Gator Bowl. Will he keep running to the NFL or come back to create more memories in the Big East?

Those are my top 10 moments from 2009. What are some of your favorites that I didn't include?

relationships

I am pretty much so use to being hurt and let down in relationships so I got in a habit of avoiding allowing myself to get hurt. I would push people away from me unless I knew they were bad news. It was easier for me to be a goof and push the world away. I did with Garin. I did with Adam; I was not ready to date then. Maybe you can say I did that with Jerran. I don't know. I know that I love Jerran. In a way he will always mean something to me I think. He was the first person that I probably ever loved. Sometimes life works and you have to let go. He is my friend. And I hope we always remain friends. There is a lot on that subject. I really got scared and tried to scare him off. I think I did. I know I did. As our relationship was complicated enough, I sincerely believed it was more than it was. I guess I thought he was my boyfriend. I was really hurt when I learned things. When I learned that Jerran hooks up. I guess we weren't official so I can't be mad. I allowed that to cause distance. Basically I just realized I couldn't take losing him like I did my best friend Jon. So I had to let go. It was hard; I remember when I first met Craig I thought about Jerran constantly. I was liking Craig, but I was so use to being let down. So I didn't have much faith. Then New Year's the day I am suppose to go with Craig I get a text at midnight saying Happy New Year and I love you. It broke my heart. It gave me guilty thoughts. Then Jerran talks to me during the game. I was back in the palm of his hands. I thought for sure what am I suppose to do. Then I went out with Craig and had an amazing time. That was when I knew that I had to let him go. Because I can't spend forever waiting on Jerran. I cannot take losing him because he has been apart of my life the last year. I cannot put my life on hold for someone who isn't waiting for me. So I kept talking to Craig and we went out again. I was quite smitten by this point. Had Jerran made the effort then I probably would have been dumb and pushed craig away for him. After 3 weeks and 3 dates, I really like Craig. I don't want to try and make things work with Jerran. I wanted a fairy tale relationship for so long. I never got it. I would allow myself to make these guys into what I wanted in my head or I don't know. I did everything so wrong, just because I could. In all honesty, I was so scared of falling in love and getting my heart broken. I was scared to trust someone and be lied to, cheated om, hurt physically and emotionally. I still am. I am scared to death right now. I really like Craig. I want to push him away, but I just can't find it in me. I don't want to admit how much I like him. I feel happy with him. He makes me feel safe. I was never the kissy, cuddly type per say. When I am with Craig, I love being in his arms. I don't want to be anywhere else. I am taking this slow. I am not trying to get in over my head just to have it come crashing down. I made a promise to myself when Jazz died. I wasn't going to live from the backseat and watch everything pass me by. I was going to quit fearing life and just live. I didn't want to die tomorrow and think of what I missed. So yeah I am scared, but I am going to go for it. I would love for it to go somewhere. If not then I will be sad and hurt, but its not the end of the world. No realationship will be that fairy tale. Sometimes you got to leave the past in the past. Sometimes you have to let go of what you want the most. I am leaving the hurt I been through behind. I am letting go of Jerran in the romantic sense. I am going to go with the flow. We will see where life takes me. God has a plan. Maybe his plan was this all along. Maybe his plan for me will be totally not anything of the sort. I am going to have faith in him.

2009 is gone, 2010 is here

Wow! It is hard to believe that 2009 is over already. It was quite of year. I did a lot of growing and had a lot of ups and downs. First, it started off with the continueing downward spiral I was in. There was the drinking and constant partying. There was the its okay to get mad and drink and drive. Luckily you passed out before you drove. I had really hit rock bottom. I had wanted to date the wrong guys and pushed the good ones away. Of course some of those were based on lies. Then the one brought me the best thing in the world My Jer Bear (Jerran). Then that was an up and down relationship. First there was the hey you got a gf but I like you I would allow you to cheat with me because we got feelings for one another. Then there was the I'll send you a picture for a picture. I can't believe I was that person for a split second. Then there was the wow this is getting out of hand, we both need to back off. So then somewhere during all thisd downward spiral of a life, I met Elder Evans and Elder Erguera. They became two of my best friends. I love them because they saved my life in every sense. They brought me happiness and self worth. They just changed me. They helped me rebuild relationships in my life, brought me closer to God, they helped bring me new relationships. Most of all they brought me their life long friendships. I quit drinking and partying. I went to church, study scriptures, obey the commandments I was doing good. Then they both left me because they had to. they keep in touch and remain great friends. It was hard at first. I often struggled when I faced difficult times. I always had them with me deep down though. The things they taught me were enough to get me threw even the hardest days. Just because they weren't hear in person they are always with me. Plus they write me. I had the back injury which had me depressed. My step dad had a heart attack, there was the movin to Arizona thing lingering, just everything. This year also tested me and changed me when Jasper Howard dieed. As everyone knows, that death rattled me. It really impacted my life in every way possible. I was left shaken to the core. I was questioning everything from my faith to why. I spent weeks just devestated. It didn't make sense. In time my pain healed. I reached out to a hurt Kashif Moore and we kind of helped each other. Instead of looking at Jazz's death negatively, I learned from it. I learned that life is precious. Often we take it for granted, myself included. Not anymore though. I am living my life to the fullest I can. I am trying to better myself everyday and get closer to Heavenly Father. Jazz was amazing. I admire him for who he was. He showed me to let everyone you love know that. He inspired me to quit hiding from my fears and move forward. You gotta face your fears head on. I was inspired to get over my shyness as much as I can. I am doing things on my own, just enjoying life. I am giving back to the community. It feels good too. That month or so just really changed me for the best. Then we lost our own Chris Henry. That was tough to take. Then there was falling in love with Jerran. I do love him. I have never felt that way before, but I also be realistic. As much as I love Jerran we will only ever be friends. I don't want to lose him. So I had to let him go and move on. He will always be in my heart and a great friend. After I let Jerran go I decided to give dating a second chance. I was talking to a nice guy. That is how 2009 ends. LOL I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. I am sure it will have its up and downs. Hopefully more ups than downs. So far its been pretty good. They guy I met is really nice. We went out a few times. I like him a lot. I am trying not to get my hopes up on him though. I opened up and let him in, but I am trying not to get hurt. So we will see where it goes. I have also made some mistakes. One is a little more serious and I need to talk to Bishop about. So I will never be perfect or have the perfect year. I am just going to try and make it as good as I can. LIVE 365