I am single Whohoo

Sat. was pretty much a day from Hell. I did everything possible to tell my heart not to like Craig. Unfortanately, my head heard me say that but not my heart. It still hurt, but I am cool now. Saturday afternoon my friends Lacie and Bonnie confronted Craig for me. He had a perfect story to something that I never even heard.... Clue 1. Then they asked if we were exclusive "I thought we were". Then when we asked if he was cheating "Excuse me" At least have the balls to deny it. It was a mess and I was just a mess. I was fuming and carrying on. Then we broke up with him and he was like WOW. Never once did he call to straighten this out. He was just so suspicious. And I would text him and 20 minutes he answered. If I was fighting with my girlfriend I would answer right back or call. I know he seemed so passive before but I dont even know what to think. After I left Bonnie and Lacie and was on my way to Follansbee he text me this big sob story. I like you a lot. I think your a great person. Do I have friends yes. Not all of them are males. I do stuff like play basketball go out get my hair braided so I run in to females and I am social. I am not cheating on you. I will leave it to your judgement. Lacie told me not to answer till I talked to them so I went to Meg's and hung out. Her kids made me feel better. When I went home I went and talked to Bonnie. She asked if I heard from him and I told her. She asked what I wanted to do. I wanted to believe Craig but I just couldn't. Its all too fishy and I was burnt in the past. I just said I wanted to do the right thing. She said I probably won't know what that was till its to late. We talked awhile. She told me to do what I had to and they would support me. She said I could appologize and tell him I am crazy and I came from a rough past relationship and I have trust issues. I though about it and I did. And 4 hours later. I get an its no biggie with me. That was when I knew it was over. Because I put an effort out. And I left things up to you. You knew my insecurities and my hurt but do nothing about it. So that shows everything is true. I just got my life back after all these years. I am not fucking up again. I am not going down the same road twice. I am going to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me and take advatage of me. People do that because I am the sweet, niave girl who would do anything for anyone. Well, I am not being taken advantage of anymore. I will admit I am not perfect. I am a big screw up. Yeah I wasn't trying to be controling. I have Jerran who I talk to. I have Elder Evans and Erguera and they mean the world to me. So I get you can have girlfriends. I wasn't cheating. At first, I let Jerran pour his heart out to me. And I confessed everything but I told him I couldn't do it once Craig and I back together. I wasn't going to emotionally cheat. Yea I had feelings for Jerran, but I knew Jerran and I can't be together. So I wasn't going to be the person I fear most. And I wasn't. Maybe I was wrong to let Jerran try when I was talking to Craig, but hey obviously I meant nothing to him anyway. Right now, I have no faith in men. I have no desire to date. My trust is broken yet again. Another cheater and another liar. Are there any decent guys out there? Why do people lie and cheat anyway? I guess I will never understand. I could never hurt someone on purpose. I feel guilty for having feelings from the past while with someone. I never would have acted on those feelings. I never even brought them up after that night. I let it be a friendship. I know how it feels. I know how it feels the first time. And I know how it feels now. I am not the best person obviously but I am not a liar. So back to being single. It is less pain. Trusting is so hard to do. I wish someone could just prove me wrong for once. And sorry for cussing I was mad. LOL

cheaters

So we come back to the cheaters and the liars portion of life. Imagine that! Shanna falls for a douche bag who cheats. Story of my life. I knew something was wrong. Lets just say it was my intuition. I did some Shanna stalking and got proof. It just sucks. I was hoping it was all in my head. I wanted someone, anyone to prove me wrong. I wanted to feel like I could trust, but I learned you can't. I should just wait for the good Mormon boy to sweep me off my feet. Maybe in like 3 months right? I doubt it. Right now I just feel really let down. Why do you say you want something real and you don't play games? In all reality you do. You hurt innocent people who fall for your charm. Maybe they just fall for the whole someone like you thing. Why does everyone take advantage of me? I am just glad I figured it out and did something about it now. Now, I need the courage to ditch him. And imagine as soon as I post a status update on facebook the best friend is there to pick me up. I wish he wasn't so great. Maybe I am just as bad for being a person as Craig bc I am emotionally in love with Jerran. Maybe that is why I deserve this. I just was trying to seperate my feelings. I was just trying to keep the best friend I adore with losing our friendship. I can't help how I felt. It was't like we did anything wrong though. I know Jerran and I can't be so I was trying to move on. Is that wrong? I was honest with Jerran. I can't just cut him out of my life. He is my friend and always will be. I never cheated physically or emotionally. I was just trying to sort my feelings out. Jerran and I can't be a couple. This wasn't me doing anything wrong right? I told the Jerran how I felt; I poured my heart and soul to him when Craig and I became a couple. Jerran let go! He stayed what he always promised to me. That isn't my fault right? Did I deserve this? I don't know anything. I just got to do damage control now. Confess my hickies! I will be ok. I am a weak person, but I think I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I just will probably never trust any guy. Other than Jerran, but trust me he earned that trust. It was a lot of work to break that wall down. Again that isn't even romantically that is in friendship sense. I don't know if I would ever trust him. You live and you learn. Hurt and heartbreak are apart of that. I just wish that people could be honest and upfront. Why do people cheat? If you are un-happy, then break up with me. I never understood. I try and keep my heart at a distance bc I always get hurt. Even though I am trying to be tough and act like this doesn't hurt. It does. I wasn't in love, but at the same time we were together since the end of Dec. It still hurts. You still have feelings for someone no matter how you try not to. I am just use to acting like I don't. Its a form of protection, except I never really get protected. Plus it hurts just the fact that you already don't trust and this lies on top of that. Maybe I am just as much to blame here. I know I have feelings for someone else this whole time, but I know the truth of that relationship. I never would have acted on that. We had put our feeling aside technically so that I could give this a shot. And then he cheats. It just sucks. Can anyone out there just be honest with me? Do I do something wrong? Maybe I just deserve this. I have no clue. Time to move on. Oh and get a little Shanna style revenge ;)

cheaters

So we come back to the cheaters and the liars portion of life. Imagine that! Shanna falls for a douche bag who cheats. Story of my life. I knew something was wrong. Lets just say it was my intuition. I did some Shanna stalking and got proof. It just sucks. I was hoping it was all in my head. I wanted someone, anyone to prove me wrong. I wanted to feel like I could trust, but I learned you can't. I should just wait for the good Mormon boy to sweep me off my feet. Maybe in like 3 months right? I doubt it. Right now I just feel really let down. Why do you say you want something real and you don't play games? In all reality you do. You hurt innocent people who fall for your charm. Maybe they just fall for the whole someone like you thing. Why does everyone take advantage of me? I am just glad I figured it out and did something about it now. Now, I need the courage to ditch him. And imagine as soon as I post a status update on facebook the best friend is there to pick me up. I wish he wasn't so great. Maybe I am just as bad for being a person as Craig bc I am emotionally in love with Jerran. Maybe that is why I deserve this. I just was trying to seperate my feelings. I was just trying to keep the best friend I adore with losing our friendship. I can't help how I felt. It was't like we did anything wrong though. I know Jerran and I can't be so I was trying to move on. Is that wrong? I was honest with Jerran. I can't just cut him out of my life. He is my friend and always will be. I never cheated physically or emotionally. I was just trying to sort my feelings out. Jerran and I can't be a couple. This wasn't me doing anything wrong right? I told the Jerran how I felt; I poured my heart and soul to him when Craig and I became a couple. Jerran let go! He stayed what he always promised to me. That isn't my fault right? Did I deserve this? I don't know anything. I just got to do damage control now. Confess my hickies! I will be ok. I am a weak person, but I think I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I just will probably never trust any guy. Other than Jerran, but trust me he earned that trust. It was a lot of work to break that wall down. Again that isn't even romantically that is in friendship sense. I don't know if I would ever trust him. I know his love is real. You live and you learn. Hurt and heartbreak are apart of that. Time to move on. Oh and get a little Shanna style revenge ;)

fears

I am horrible with dating and relationships. I have always pushed people away. Then I fell in love with Jerran. Nothing was un-natural. The thing that came with loving Jerran was knowin that sometimes you have to let go. I tried that, but he couldn't except that an tried to fight for me. Well, on Friday Craig and I became official. So I had to let him go. I told him that I loved him more than anything and I probably never would love anyone as much. I put my heart out there. Jerran was hurt, but he let me go. All he could say is that I want you to be happy. Jerran and I have been working on a friendship. It is hard, but I can't loose him. On Sunday, I needed a friend and he was the first person there for me. I don't ever want to loose that. In the process of letting him go met I was free to see where this goes with Craig. I like Craig. When we kiss my heart stops. He is amazing, but I am scared. So now I am doing the pushing thing. I don't know if I have a legit reason to push or if it is just the craz part coming out. At times I question is it the feelings for Jerran? I know realistically that there can never be a Jerran and I. I adore Craig. I have fn with him. This is the first relationship in years, my first real relationship ever. I am scared to fall in love. I am scared to get hurt. I am scared to be played or anything else. When I get scared, I want to run. I am trying not to but it is so hard. I just don't know what to do. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend.... ease my mind