learning to love myself

Last week was rough. When Aaron hurt me the way he did, my self esteem took a real hit. I was so hurt by how I was treated. I had a lot of good friends, and I saw how much they loved me even for my imperfections. They made me feel better. My friend Brad told me some things that really made me feel better about myself. He didn't have to say it, but he meant it. Then I think I started to think and look at things differently. I prayed asking for help and asking for confidence. I have been working on it. I am trying to go out in public and be confident make eye contact. And it has worked. I am just trying to love myself. I know I have good qualities and I am a good person. I think to find love you have to love yourself. And my girls also made me feel better bc when I showed them Aaron's pic, we decided he looks like Luigi from Mario Brothers LOL. He is ugly. I was trying to look past that, but he couldn't look past something with me. And Aaron should have been like WOW! I got a real catch here not a douce bag. I am too good for Aaron not the other way around. And Sat. I went to the game and I got my closure. I was looking good and being confident and it made him mad. Most importantly to me, I kept my composure. I was calm and mature. I didn't stare at him and freak out. I had a good time and it made me feel better about myself. Right now I am trying to lose the weight and get back in shape. It is working. I am also trying love myself. Its just something I got to learn to do if I want to find love. And last night I went out with a guy who looks like Colt McCoy. And I was very shy and akward but he wants to do it again. Its funny how Colt is into me but not Luigi. LOL Life is interesting. Now I just got to work out the bugs.

well, if my self esteem didn't suck already, last night sure made it

I have never had the best self esteem. I always saw something wrong with myself. It sucks! And I have had guys somewhat interested in me. I get cheated on; I get I dont even know what that was with Brad. So I keep telling myself that maybe in May Edward will really come home and he will really see where things go. I keep hoping that it isn't something in my head, but it probably is. Why would he really like me? I wish Jerran and me could make this work, but it never will. I am hopeless! I will admit when I first started dating, I messed up. I messed up with Garin. I messed up dates. I guess I wasn't ready. I needed to find myself. Since then I have grown. I am still frigin crazy, but I have changed. My views have changed too. Bonnie told me last night that its not me I just find crazy people. I wish she was right, but I can't help but not believe that. I felt like even when I was skinny, I wasn't good enough for anyone. And now I am not skinny. There are so many girls out there who are pretty and skinny and blah blah blah. How do I compete with that. The world is superficial. And maybe I am to an extent too, but I look at whats on the inside too. I will be friends with anyone until you give me a reason not to. Some people are just mean. I think I am good person. I volunteer and I work hard. I think I am fun and funny. I love sports and outdoors stuff. I have a good kind heart, but its about fakeness in this world. I met this guy Aaron. It was an accident. I was just bored and being goofy. Trying to pass the time. I am seriously over the hockey player stage. I was just trying to pass time and see if maybe in May my dream would come true. Well, I was doing some innocent stalking for my new obsession. I added this guy Aaron. I didn't plan on talking to him. I didn't have any expectations. Well, he began emailing me, which led to an exchange in numbers. (Mistake #1). We seemed to hit it off. He was a doll baby. Everything was going good. He seemed different. He told me I made him nervous. He was nice to me. He didn't act fake and like a jerk. And trust me I heard rumors about Aaron. He is a love or hate kinda guy. I was quite smitten, I know thats a shock. Deep down I knew we have 3 weeks until he goes back to Canada. I am the queen of trust issues. He is a hockey player. This wouldn't work out. I knew the John and Savannah romance just wouldn't work. Who can fall in love in 3 weeks? Seriously, I just wanted to have some fun. He was nice, harmless. As we talked, I really like who I thought he was. He was like before we meet. I got to tell you something. He was like I have a mustache. My exact words to him were why does matter. I don't care about things like that. As long as you are a good person. He was like well a lot of people hate the mustache. And I am not crazy about it. I liked him for what I thought was under the tough, mach hockey player he pretends to be. And I still believe that its all an act. I think he showed me the real Aaron on those days. I was real. So things were awesome. Well, we me up last night. I spent hours getting ready. I showered, smelled good, fixed my hair and make up. I think I looked cute. I even went to Alita, Lacie, Lynette and Dr. Stout for their imput. They liked it they said. So I text Aaron and ask him to meet me outside. He did. When I get there he was like Why are you nervous? "I don't know." Well, don't be Nervous. "OK" Well, I am sorry but I got bad news. We are getting ready to leave. And at this point my heart sinks. He was like I think we are going home. And I was like ok. He asked if that was ok. And I said its fine, but it was easy to tell that was a lie. And he knew that and he asked is it? And I was like I dont know I mean I guess its fine. Hey was like I will text you later and let you know the plans. He never texted me. 15 hours later I havent heard from him. I knew that when he blew me off. Its just the fact that he made me feel like zero of a person. My self esteem sucks and he made me feel like I am not good enough. Like I am a loser. Sorry I am not skinny or pretty as some of those girls. I was real though. I wasn't into you because you were a Nailers. The mustache didn't do anything for me. I wasn't attracted to you in the OMG your sexy way. I liked you for who you were. You were a sweet guy. I don't know why you had to fake this macho act and hurt my feelings. I didn't deserve that. I can guarantee you that no one will ever treat you like I would have. No one will ever be real with you. Maybe that is what you want. You made it sound different on Monday. Or was Monday the act? I don't know Aaron. I am sorry I am not good enough for you. I hope one day someone will look past my imperfections and see the good in me. Until then I guess I will deal with the heartache involved. I just wish I could not hate myself. Did I do something wrong? I have been the most real as I can be the last year in my dating. Is there somehing wrong with me? Be honest, I just wanna know. Why don't guys like me? I don't wanna be alone forever. I want kids and a family. I hate you for making me hate myself and for making me feel this way. I hate you Aaron! I really do. I hate guys in genereal.

Olympics

The Olympics are something that come around every 4 years, every 2 if you alternate between the summer and winter. It is 17 days of amazing athletes perfoming what they love against the best in the world. Typically, I love the Olympics. It is fun and entertaining, but this year it was different. I was obsessed still, but the love and the stories that came from these Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia made it so much more memorable. First, lets start with the story that actually happened before the opening ceremonies. Hours away from dreams and happiness, 21 year old Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili died during a practice run. He was taking his run and on a turn crashed and went into a steel pole. He died. This started the games off very badly. Lugers were talking about how fast and dangerous this track was. It was too dangerous for the less expereinced. Even a defending Olympic champion crashed right before Nodar. He was lucky however. Now, a country and a family was left mouring the loss of a son because of too dangerous track. This was not the way to start the Olympics. It is a sad story. It never needed to occur. However, the games went on and it got better. There was Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo, the Chinese couple, who fought through so much during a 19 year career to finally win a gold medal. They found a love story with each other. Then fought hard and gave 2 beautiful performances. It earned them a spot on top of the podium. And you couldn't help but smile and be happy. There were the surprise performance from Caydee Denney and Jeremy Barrett and Amanda Evora and Mark Ladwig for the USA. These young couples didn't medal, but they stole your heart. They skated their best and made their country proud. That is all you can ask for. The future looks bright. Then their was Shaun White winning another gold on the half pipe, which is the coolest sport. Then their was the surprise Silver Medals from Julia Mancusso. And Lindsay Vonn winning her gold and a bronze. Or was it the Hannah Carney gold in the moguls or the Alexandre Bilodeau from Canada winning the first gold for the country on their soil and doing it for his older brother with Cerebral Palsy. Their Bode Miller who bounced back from a terrible Torinio Olympics where he was bashed. Bode skiied his best and won a gold, silver, and a bronze. Their was the goodbye to greats like Chad Hedrick and his medal skates. There was Evan Lysacek beautiful gold medal performance in the men's figure skating. He was the first to win gold since Brian Boitano in 1988. He upset Pleshenko and could have very well started a cold war with Russia. Johnny Weir skated his best and came up short from a medal. There was the amazing ice dancing competion, which we saw Charlie White and Meryl Davis win silver. They were amazing but just not as good as their Canadian friends Tessa Virtue and Scott Moyer. They were darling. We saw Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto finish a fantastic olympic career just falling a little short. Then there was the Nordic Combine that finally the US rocked in. It started with a Johnny Spillane silver. Then a team silver. Then a Bill Demong gold and a Johnny Spillane silver. The USA had never medal and the stories of Todd Lodwick, Bill, and Johnny touched your heart. I became a fan. After 60 years, the Night Train won the first men's gold in the 4 man bobsled. How can we forget Apolo Ohno. He won 3 medals. He became the most decorated winter olympian. This was probably the end for him. JR Celski, the 19 year old who suffered the horrible injury won himself 2 bronze. He is a doll. Then we go to the ladies figure skating program. First, lets start with Joannie Rochette, she was the Candian who lost her mom the Sunday before the competition. Her mom died unexpectedly from a heart attack. The story was so touching. Joannie went on in her mom's memory. She skated her heart out. At the end of the short program, she broke down and cried. She was in 3rd that night. That would be where she finishes. It was the story of a beautiful and strong young woman, who never gave up. She touched the world's heart. Everyone wanted her to win. There was the future of figure skating in Rachel Flatt and Mirai Nagasu. They were young and did fantastic for us, just falling short in the best ever women's field. Then there was the story of the Korean gold medal winner Kim Yu-Na. She was a beautiful younf lady with the world on her shoulders. She was under tremendous pressure but came through and won the gold. She was absolutely beautiful just knocking everyone out of the water. Now, my personal favorite was the hockey. Hockey is my life. It is my true love and my passion. These games made me fall in love more than ever with the sport. There was the fairy tale run of the Slovaks. they upset Russia and Sweden to lose to the Finnish in the bronze medal game. The story was my Team USA. No one believed in them. They were not even favored to win a medal. After watching the first game, my heart new that my original saying of they could medal was true. I just fell in love with this team. They upset Canada in the third game. It was on from their. They destroyed the Fins 6-1. Ryan Miller was marvelous. The young kids had heart. They had Brian Rafalski, Chris Drury, Jamie Langenbrunner to add their vet skills. It was a fairy tale story up to the end. They lost 3-2 in the gold medal game to Canada on a goal from Sidney Crosby. It was hard to handle. They were down 2-0 and came back. Then the Zach Parise goal with 24 seconds to go in the 3rd to tie it sent me through the rough. Even though they lost, I was so proud of them. The whole country was. They fought hard and proved everyone wrong. Like Coach Ron Wilson said they deserved the gold too. They had heart. Like Chris Drury said " we came in with no one knowing our names, but we are leaving with everyone knowing us". THE USA is a hockey powerhouse. They are almost there. I loved that team. It was sad to see them hang their heads and be down. They didn't deserve that. So it was nice to see them smile. It was great seeing Ryan Miller, Jack Johnson, Tim Taylor, and David Backes smile at the closing Ceremonies. It was a game I will never forget. It made hockey back to what it use to be. It was a fantastic hockey tournament. That was the end. It was amazing and an amazing run. There were sad times and happy times. It was one for the memory, one that I will never forget.

Just so we never forget my team USA here is my Roster:

Tim Thomas, 35 (Boston Bruins)
Ryan Miller, 29 (Buffalo Sabres)
Jonathan Quick, 24 (Los Angeles Kings)

Defense

Brian Rafalski, 36 (Detroit Red Wings)
Ryan Suter, 25 (Nashville Predators)
Erik Johnson, 21 (St. Louis Blues)
Brooks Orpik, 29 (Pittsburgh Pittsburgh)
Jack Johnson, 23 (Los Angeles Kings)
Ryan Whitney, 26 (Anaheim Ducks)
Tim Gleason, 27 (Carolina Hurricanes)

Forwards

Zach Parise, 25 (New Jersey Devils)
Chris Drury, 32 (New York Rangers)
Dustin Brown, 25 (Los Angeles Kings)
Jamie Langenbrunner, 34 (New Jersey Devils)
Paul Stastny, 24 (Colorado Avalanche)
David Backes, 25 (St. Louis Blues)
Patrick Kane, 21 (Chicago Blackhawks)
Phil Kessel, 22 (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Ryan Kesler, 25 (Vancouver Canucks)
Bobby Ryan, 22 (Anaheim Ducks)
Joe Pavelski, 25 (San Jose Sharks)
Ryan Malone, 31 (Tampa Bay Lightning)
Ryan Callahan, 24 (New York Rangers)

Don't ever forget!!!!!