marriage and family

Ever since I was young, I always wanted this picture perfect dream wedding and a family. I may have told others different, but a lot of that was this tough act I had to play. And I was scared. I always thought as marriage as a forever deal. I see so many people fall apart so I was always hesitant. Then after everything with Richard, I just figured I would never get married. Then I meant the missionaries and became Mormon. All of that changed. The stronger I grew in the church, the more certain I knew what I wanted. I want the family and the dream wedding. For the last year it is all I drean of. I am a failure at dating and relationships. I wonder if I will ever find that person to spend my life with and start a family with. I am 24 years old. Time is running out. That scares me. All I want is a family. I want to have babies and watch them grow. I want to cook for my family and go to their sporting events. I want to come home to someone who loves me every night. I hate dating. It is awful and full of lies and pain. That is what I have experienced in my years of dating both Richard and after Richard. Will I ever find this person? Will I ever get my family? I seriously doubt it. I have been hanging with a guy for about 6 weeks. I have never been in love. I love peple in my life and I loved Jerran. I have never been in love. I am scared of it. I am just sitting here waiting for everything to fall apart with Rod. I am waiting for him to quit talking to me. Or something. Anything. I am just certain its going to go bad. It always does. I am just waiting for my heart to crumble. I don't know if I can take it. I am falling for Rod, but I have told people about him and blogged about him so this must be the end. I probably will never hear from him again. I just hope he finds what he is looking for. He is an amazing person. One day I hope to find someone to spend my life and all eternity with. Until then I a can just keep praying and hoping.

catching up on life

Well, it has been a while since I blogged. You know I just taught a lesson in church last Sunday on journals and here I am not writing in my blog LOL. Well, first I have a new calling in the church. I am no longer Relief Society Secretary. Now I am the Second Counselor in the Young Woman's. It's okay. It is a lot of hard work. I was helping that it would help me learn. Not growing up in the church, there is a lot of teenage, young adult things that I struggle with and just don't know yet. So I am hoping on that. It is still hard though. There are still times in life I just don't feel as if I belong. It is hard to be honest. You are suppose to live in today's society and have such high standards. That is almost impossible. I feel like these people are so perfect and don't struggle like I do. I fight everyday to live a normal life but follow the commandments. It isn't easy by far. On a good note last Tues. I went to transfers to see Elder Evans. I needed a friend with all the struggles and the fact that I messed up big time. So I went to transfers and I got to see him and Elder Erguera. It was great to see both of my best friends. It was what I needed. Plus my soul mate was ther He was going home :) Not that anything will ever happen with Elder Hills. He is a friend, but I don't think he knows I exist romantically. I have lost weight and try to look good but he just didn't notice me. Thats ok. I had been preparing for that. I couldn't take the heartbreak so I didn't concentrate on that so much. Anyway transfers was amazing. It was just like the good ole days. I loved catching up and hanging out. I talked with Elder Evans and he made me feel better. He said I messed up and now I know what I got to do. He told me I am human and we all make mistakes. He is right. He didn't seem to disappointed in me. It made me feel better. I can't wait to see him in 5 weeks when he comes home. He is going to come here and bring his rents to meet us. I can't wait. Elder Erguera is now a father. He is training a new missionary. I am so proud of both of them :) Anyway last time I wrote, Aaron Boggaard had dumped me because I wasn't good enough. I said I was going to take some time and concentrate on myself. I did just that. I have been working out and doing P90X. I have lost 34 lbs so far. Only 42 more to go. I have also been working on my self esteem and confidence. Everything is going well. Personally, I think that I am doing good. Just got to keep the hard work up. Then in terms of my love life it is ok. I took some time off from dating for awhile. About 5 weeks ago, I meant this guy Rod. He is really nice and a lot of fun to hang out with. We have a lot in common and good chemistry. We are technically just friends I guess. I think maybe one day it has the potential to be more. Or at least, I hope. That is how it seems to me. We got in a huge fight 2 weeks ago. His friend tried to hook up with me. And I flipped on him and was psycho. He told me that his friend was just a test. I don't know what that meant. At first, i struggled with the situation, but I am past it. He was very nice to me. I was a fool and did and said a lot of things. Personally, I would have never spoke to me again. He did the opposite. When I was upset and crying and screaming for him to just hit me; he just grabbed me and held me. He told me he would never hit me. Why would he hit me? It made me feel better. That night was crazy and a blur. I said a lot of things like I hate him and he just said I like you. Since then things have been different. Really great. Hopefully it works out. Knowing my luck it probably won't. I will end up getting my heart broken because well I am falling for him. That is how my life rolls.