I just keep giving chance after chance to Rod. Nothing ever changes. He does good for about a week and its back to the old ways. That is my own stupid fault. I love him; I really do. I just think that I need to wake up and let go. I cannot get depressed. I am a strong person. I will get through this. I just cant take another lie. I caught him lying again tonight. Instead of saying yes he denied it. I am not dumb. He must think I am. Or else he knows I will take him back. All I wanted was someone to spend my life with. It will never workout with Rod. I just need to find the strength to walk away. I need to stay away. I need to heal and go on with my life.

empty inside

I feel so empty inside right now. I can't eat. If I try, I get sick. I just want to be alone. I feel alone in life right now. I just lost the love of my life. All night I kept hoping he would call. I kept hearing a noise and expected to see him. I never did. That is for the best. I am tired of feeling this way; I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night. I love Rod with all my heart. He is my first love; the first real relationship I had in all honesty. I miss him. I wish things could be different. If he had not lied about work and hadn't gotten fired, I probably would have forgive him. I just feel that he doesn't care enough to try for himself. I am embarrassed. I cannot believe he would hurt me like this. The thing is he can claim to be in pain, but he is at home hanging with his buds, playing video games, I am the one hurting. I don't really want to be with anyone else. I don't want to date; I can accept being alone. I will live in the basement. Maybe one day I can help my parents out. I am just going to try and mend my heart. I want to work out and lose weight. I want to try and go back to school. Then I can throw myself into that. I can try and do right by myself. Maybe I can get a cushy little savings account. Pay off my debts. Maybe even make this dumb car last. I just can't deal with heartache again. I know I will never love anyone again, especially the way I loved Rod. So its pointless to try. He was my soulmate, but he couldn't understand that. He couldn't grow up. So now I have to walk away. I have to heal.

tears

I feel like all I do is cry. I miss Rod so much. He hasn't shown up here or called. I know that is best. It is going to make it easier than looking into his eyes and giving in. It is just so hard. I love him so much. I can't eat, I cry myself to sleep, I am physically sick, and I can't smile. All I do is think about him and my girls. I woke up hoping this was a nightmare. Then I realized it wasn't. I just want the pain to go away. I hate this feeling. Honestly, I will never know how someone who claims to love me so much could do this. How can you keep telling lies? How can you look for another women? How could you want to hurt me so bad? All I did was love this man and he broke my heart. I just don't get it. I would not have ever done this. I did everything I could for him. I tried to make him happy. I am sorry that sometimes I am a bitch or a little insecure. With all of this, how could I not be. I loved him with all I could. I thought he felt the same, but I guess I was wrong. Just someone please take away my pain. Please!

I love with all my heart

I am not the person who loves easily. I am not the person that is good for letting people know how I feel. I am not good at trusting people. I love with all I have when I do love. I would have done anything for Rod. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have his children; I wanted to spend my entire life with him. I dreamed of the day he would ask me to marry him. The day my dad would walk me down the aisle. Our first dance. All I wanted was him to grow up. I wanted him to prove that we could live together and I wouldn't get screwed over. All I asked was for him to pay his bills, save some money, even if just $5 a pay. I just wanted him to put an effort forth at work. If he wanted a new job, then find one and quit. Instead, he lies and embarasses me and my brother. He says he is going to work and doesn't go. How can you do that? I feel like a fool. Then on top of that I find him on dating websites. I find him on craigslist posting personals. He was replying for adds for sex. That hurts! That tears me up inside. What more do I have to do? Why am I not good enough? I am not perfect by far, but I would have done anything for him. I love him with all my heart and soul. And he repays me like this. All I wanted was someone to love me and respect me. All I wanted was to be happy and spend my life with him. I thought he was differet. I really did. Everyone loves him, but he made a fool of me. Apparently, I am not good enough. I dont know. Maybe I am not skinny enough or pretty enough. I dont know what is wrong with me. I feel like God is forever going to punish me. I try and be a good person. For some reason, I dont deserve to be happy. No one can possible know the pain I feel right now. No one can know how much my heart is hurting. The one o is person who is suppose to love me obviously doesn't. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I wish someone would take this pain away from me. I can't believe any of this. I can't believe I hurt so bad. I am physically sick to my stomach. I feel like a part of me has died. I want to die.